We’re somewhat light, number wise, on headloppers at our Walmarts, but what they lack in quantity they make up for in quality, most of our loppers ambidextrous, able to work Constitutional violations on a decent queue of citizens with two swords and get to the jewelry counter, within the required hour, to help customers. Of course, we have the latest in FEMA guillotines on backorder, as well as Ron Popeil’s revolutionary, new Ronco Head Shooter, combination hand-held headlopper and perfect eggs, every time, cooker, when plugged into the Easy Charge stand with Easy Clean, patented blood-drip-magnet docker tray (as advertised on DSN, the Deepstate Shopping Network). And lizard aliens? Absolutely! Not only are ours invisible, but you can’t hear or smell them when they fart, either: if you’re still using those cloaking devices that come with a bag of clothes pins for your nose, you’re like some closet faggot still on Windows 3.0, like KOS. Our lizards can also shape-shift into the most horrifying of configurations, couldn’t tell them from Lisa Haven, if you tried.

Now, we don’t have any methane pockets under our houses, but we do get frequent visits from Dave Hodges to the Casa Burrito, a threat which you’d have to agree dwarfs Yellowstone and even makes an extinction level event more palatable. Though we do have some black helicopter noise, especially during FEMA roundups of white Republicans, and the occasional crash of the mother ship (I won’t lie to you, they crashed into our only Chuck E Cheese and demolished the place, which had all our kids in the throes of depression, for weeks. Those grays really need to stop snorting cases of malt liquor while interdimensionally piloting! They will never admit their own culpability, will go to court and accuse it all on some fatality who was just autopsied, “It was Gork who did the Roswell! I was at a New World Order plenary meeting. Ask any Jew!” Of course, any on-board security camera footage is always beyond blurry. You can’t tell if it’s a gray or Lisa Haven, overdue on the hair color.

It wouldn’t be honest of me to say it’s perfect here, but we haven’t had all the WWIII outbreaks everybody else is suffering, and do also have the Peking Buffet, just opened a few months ago, and a much lower incidence of stray animals than before. Their Moo Shu Mutt tastes like chicken, similar to the General Tso’s Popcorn Fetus.

I think you’d feel safe here, that we’re competitive, just the right combination of nothing happening, but with that feeling of death hanging over you that makes no sense at all. Just down home BIN, as if you’d never left the trailer park.