Lonely FBI Director/Terrorist Mueller Tries To Look Busy

FBI Director, Robert Mueller, appeared to be drunk this week when he stumbled in to an annual gathering of cyber-security professionals on Thursday and requested the help of the private sector to help combat what he believes is becoming the nation’s No. 1 threat, cyber-security!

Mueller went on to blather paranoidly, ‘We are losing data, we are losing money, we are losing ideas and we are losing innovation. Together we must find a way to stop the bleeding.”

For starters, Robert, who is this “we” you keep talking about.  I’m not losing data.  I’m not losing money or ideas or innovation.  And, the FBI isn’t losing any of those things… well, it does lose billions every year, but that’s just normal operating behavior for government agencies.

So, WHO is losing all this and why should you have any involvement?  Certainly, some private companies may have been the victim of hacking.  But, how is this any of Mueller’s business?

I’VE BEEN HACKED

I actually have had one of my companies hacked before.  It was in the early days of the internet, in 1998, and my financial portal, Stockhouse.com, was ramping up for a $250 million+ IPO when our site went down.

Immediately Chinese and Indian kids began running around the office.  We’ve been hacked, they shouted, in chinglish and Punjabi.  Not knowing what else to do and still being young enough to have a modicum of belief that the government can sometimes be of help, I called 911.

“We’ve been hacked.  If we can’t get our site back up soon it could mean tens of millions of dollars in losses as our IPO would be damaged irreparably,” I exclaimed.

“Someone is on the way,” she stated.

Thirty minutes later a cop entered the office, gun drawn, scaring the crap out of all my teen programmers.

“Uh, what are you doing?” I asked calmly.

“I got a call you are under attack,” he responded.

Have a seat, I motioned.  “We have been attacked, virtually,” I tried to explain.

His eyes crossed a little bit as he continued to scan the office for signs of a threat.

“Don’t you have some sort of cyber-crime thing or something?” I asked.

He shrugged his shoulders.  “Dunno,” and left.  That was the last we ever heard from him.

It was then that many of the programmer kids had figured out what was going on… and they knew how to resolve it.  But, it would take Amen, the Indian programmer who was the only one who knew how to handle this type of attack… and he was at home.

I raced to pick him up and ten minutes after running into the office he had fixed it and elevated himself to programmer God status.

By this point, Casey, the 15 year old Chinese prodigy and idiot savant of programming had already tracked the hacker down to his exact address, somewhere on campus at Penn State University.  A phone call to the University and the next day he was expelled from the school.

Case closed.

SO WHY ARE YOU HERE?

Which brings me back to Mueller.  He stated, right off the top, that the FBI needs the help of private companies in order to help private companies from cyber attacks??  A little deductive logic here can show there is one person here who seems to not be needed in this whole process.

It must be one of Mueller’s favorite pastimes to have a few drinks and wander from conference to conference just trying to find a way to get involved in something that not only has nothing to do with him, but he already admits is already better done by the private sector.

THE REAL THREAT IS THE INTELLIGENCE-INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX

Making the whole situation even more absurd is the fact that the FBI and the CIA are almost always the ones behind real world attacks.  Crazy, conspiracy theory talk, you say?

Well, those statements come from former FBI Chief, Ted Gunderson, who spent the last year of his life after being diagnosed with cancer airing the dirty laundry of the FBI and the CIA, stating that both organizations have had roles in countless false flag terrorist attacks including the original World Trade Center bombing and the Oklahoma City bombing, just to name a few.

THANKS BUT NO THANKS

So, Mueller’s attempts to “help” tech companies might as well be like having Godzilla drop by to see if they need any help with all those buildings getting knocked down and set ablaze in Tokyo.

Thanks but no thanks Mr. Mueller.  Private companies are more than capable of protecting their own data… and if they aren’t, they should hire a private company who can.

Apparently the irony of stealing money from corporations (taxes) and then using the money to back terrorist events on home soil and then offer to use some of the remaining stolen funds to “help” assist companies perfectly capable of protecting themselves went over Mueller’s head on this one.

Go have some more drinks and think of some other ways to keep busy, Mueller.  Your kind of help isn’t needed around here.

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