UKIP threats: A round-up

Flicking through the online editions, I see the MSM are bang on schedule with the following UKIP stories:-

UKIP Councillor ate Kenyan sprinter – Daily Express
Voters in Leominster expressed astonishment today to learn that Maj Henry Orde, standing in the Council elections for UKIP, is alleged to have cooked and eaten a Kenyan 400m sprinter whilst on safari in the 1960s ….

UKIP victory will cause major floods in Midlands – The Spectator
An opinion poll today amongst Polish plumbers reveals that 94% will return to Poland immediately in the wake of a UKIP victory – devastating flood control management in the Midlands, which relies upon a skilled Polish workforce to manage the region’s flood defences …

UKIP will change the rules of Golf – Sporting Times
Fears that the traditional rules of golf will be changed in the event of a UKIP victory were dismissed today by the party’s Sports and Media spokesperson who said “We have absolutely no intention of changing the rules of bloody ‘goff’ – I don’t even play the game”

Elvis Costello CD found at home of UKIP candidate – The Independent
A CD containing the ultra-racist song ‘Oliver’s Army’ has been spotted in the collection of a UKIP candidate, it is reported. The song, which includes the ‘n..’ word, also states that ‘London is full of Arabs’ 

UKIP leader is really a twelve-foot lizard – Fortean Times
UKIP leader Nigel Farage is really an alien lizard intent upon taking over the Earth LibDem leader Nick Clegg claimed today …

UKIP minority candidates helped by witch-doctor – The Sun
Labour party officials in Doncaster South, where Ado Aboyaye is standing for UKIP, have complained that the candidate, who is of African ancestry, is using the services of a witch doctor to secure victory …

Keep ‘em coming, you lot