Many are those on the Leftlib wing of politics with a penchant for oral sex through the medium of Cuban cigars. The death today of the greatest cigar-chewing hirsutist in history has been greeted with fulsome tributes round the clock. The Slog traces the day’s events with a jaundiced eye.
It is with great sadness, and not a little schadenfreude, that we announce tonight the sad passing of Señor Vidal Castro. Known in his heyday as the Havana Hairpin-Bend – a reference to his genius with the sort of frontal quiffs of which Mark Lamarr could only dream – he was from 1959 until his retirement this afternoon the most radical hair stylist since Delilah.
All day, emails, Facebook entries, letter-bombs and tweets have been pouring into the Castro Headquarters Building in CubaSiYankeeNo, the island retreat transformed by Vidal during his hegemony there from a disgraceful mafia Hell full of strippers, sugar cane fields, tobacco and poker games into a unique moving exhibition of antique automobiles and unchanged fields full of sugar cane and tobacco.
Said ageing juvenile Union lead Arthur Scargate, “Who can ever forget Vidal’s revolutionary introduction of the Left-Wing sweep look, an abiding fashion that covered my bald spot throughout our struggles against the fascist horses of Thatcherism in the great stuggle to overcome Tory class warfare against the struggling People of Yorkshire struggling against all the odds to produce a half-decent cricket team, a struggle that continues to this day with as yet no success for those who are struggling, as such?”
Notable among the tributes to the Great Figure of International Tonsorialism was this one from fellow hair-splitting ideologist Jammery Corbean:
Controversially boring UK Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell echoed Mr Corbean’s sentiments when he remarked that “Every destitute Waspi, disabled tramp and homeless Calais infanta identifies to this day with the historic struggle of our brothers in Angola, and I have little doubt that Jammery’s message of solidarity will sweep the Labour Party to victory in the next round of Havana municipal elections”.
But asked to comment later, Vidal Castro did not respond. This proved, reported the Daily Mail, that Vidal had not the faintest idea whoTF Corbean is – thus throwing Labour strategists into disarray, and datarray over dere too.
Deep underground in a tank silo close to Bristol, a crack team of politically correct progressives were meanwhile working selflessly round the clock to expand the lexicon of liberal syntax in order to overcome hearsay evidence of metal fatigue in the structure of the existing construct.
The clock itself has an impressive 12 metre diameter, and benefits from a carefully metered time dilation system that has access to a 24/7 paramedical robot fuelled by a paracetamol cistern some 3 metres in depth….or 3 meters depending on which way you voted in the all-important Brexit referendum. The system-cistern interreaction thus ensures that the timepiece always moves obeying an inverse correlation to the dilation diameter, otherwise known as backwards.
So far, the team has produced some impressive results.
For example, the clock’s first task was to move beyond ‘scum fascist bigot racist’ as the preferred form of engagement with allies from other Parties equally opposed to shithead Nazi misogynist Tory male rapist douche-bags.
Within seconds, the revolutionary counter spilled out its spreadsheet of results.
Evolving first of all into the latin fascumist gotist biracist (‘bisexually racist corporate State’) the Leftlib Time machine so excited several alchemists in the team that they left to form the Bisexually Racist Corporate Caliphate of Obscure Islamatics – or BiracObama for short.
But the timepiece continued to produce a dazzling sexual rainbow of progressively deranged defences against totally unacceptable reality, next presented as
Go, biggest faggot’s cum
This was immediately adopted by Stonewall as a slogan going forward, and so its members too departed thoroughly happy with the formation of yet another self-absorbed and exquisitely narrow passage to ecstasy.
Sadly, at this point the clock’s left hand collided with it’s right hand, the two not having been properly configured beforehand. Although Labour purists condemned this as underhand, they were powerless to stop the evenhanded first hand report:
Me Big Douche frackist Trappist scumbag, Earl Shitfisting of Ascot
Immediately following several leaks from the research centre, nine Tory and seven Labour peers denied being the Earl in question.
The case continues under the watchful tutelage of Mr Justice Pinkie.
You may choose to see these posts as connected, but I couldn’t possibly comment