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Saul Bollocks On Injecting More Fun Into Extremism

Wednesday, January 11, 2017 11:56
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Complete bollocks on the subject of ecumenical extremism and arsehole barter 

As always, there is no shortage of clients who need my help in the relaunch and repositioning of their increasingly tainted theories and belief systems. The trouble with all these poor misguided seers is that the sheer misery of what they want us all to do just keeps letting them down. Still, it’s easy money, and who am I to turn down those in genuine need?


Last year, for example, I was approached by the retinue of a well known male screen heart-throb, and asked how that great invention of Mr L. Ron Hubbard, Scientology, might dramatically broaden its beam.

My response was instantaneous: the religion having now achieved saturation point among the very silly celeb market niche, it needs a series of brand extensions to increase share of other bonkers belief growth sectors.

Initial focus group research, as I had suspected, showed enormous appeal among Muslims for my initial concept, Islamistientology. This would take the eight dynamics of scientology – self, sex, groups, mankind, animals, the universe, spirits, infinity – and replace them with men, rape, virgins, pig genocide, Allah, Mohammed and decapitation. Also no images of L Ron Hubbard would be allowed. The appeal of these new eight dynamics did not extend to the important scientologist, Labour Party, Democratic Party and Christian sub-groups. However, it should be noted that – on being made aware of that finding – Islamic respondents increased their level of enthusiasm for the concept.

My clients being scientologists and not jihadists, in the debrief I laid more emphasis on my second concept, Scizentology. Although rejected by 155% of Muslims, the idea played massively well among all other religious and spiritual groups. My hunch is that this can be explained by the somewhat hedonistic reinterpretation of the Hubbard Cupboard of contents. As above (only somewhat differently) the Great Man’s Eight Drives are replaced by two girls for every guy, strange pussy, group sex, man that is great shit, if it feels good do it, the universe is what you wannit to be, Southern Comfort and do it to me forever Big Boy.


And yet more needy requests continue to emanate from those around Mother Theresa of May. Now they want me to make the current Kitchen Cabinet more likeable in the context of her promise of a land fit for heroes, the old, the disabled, the unemployed, the apolitically concerned, the vulnerable, the Samaritans and indeed everyone else they all detest really.

My brief – it landed without much prologue and no overture on my desk last Friday – is to “put the strengths of my Cabinet into a positive perspective”. Obviously, the only way to achieve her goal is via the amoral use of bankrupt relativism.

My proposal – as radical as they come – is to start carefully infiltrating into the passive MSM think-pieces for the hard of thought about how ‘it could be worse’. I envisage this as a media environment in which shits are compared favourably with utterly sociopathic bastards.

Think of it as Arsehole Barter….but with a few sacrifices along the way. Some examples might suffice to explain the idea – which, thus far, has gone down very well in Conservative circles.

An election Manifesto might contain the following proposals:

  • If you’re prepared to accept the rise and rise of Jeremy Hunt, we would consider keelhauling Sir Philip Green unto death
  • We are content to dump the entire blame for the Libor fix scandal on Michael Fallon, if you voters will let Philip Hammond carry on delaying Brexit until Domesday
  • We in the Conservative Party would be happy to go along with every City borrowboy barrowboy’s firstborn being sold into ISIS slavery, if you’ll just let us finish the HS2 project without moaning about the 200 x difference between the proposed cost and the eventual bill
  • If all you fluffy waverers out there will let us complete our programme of Pension grannycide, we’ll be absolutely delighted to ensure that the Barclay Twins are the accidental victims of stray nuclear rocket friendly fire from a Stealth Bomber crash into the Bay of Biscay
  • Providing enough of you sign the standard 100,000 signature petition demanding that all British citizens suck Rupert Murdoch’s dick forever, the Government will guarantee – no ifs, no buts, no hards, softs, lites, reds, whites or blues bollocks – the immediate execution of Sir Richard Branson, David Buik, Tony Blair, David Cameron, Lord Mandelson, Alastair Campbell, Boris Johnson, Tim Yeo and the really unpleasant, fat cockney Nazi who runs the cloakroom in the House of Commons public gallery.


It’s all about sharing: we must all share out the shit, because we are all in the same sewer. We are merely at different depths in the shit. And some of you are standing on your heads, whereas we aren’t, as it were.

Filed under: Dr Saul Bollocks, Uncategorized Tagged: Islamists, L Ron Hubbard, Scientology, Theresa May, Zen



Source: https://hat4uk.wordpress.com/2017/01/11/saul-bollocks-on-injecting-more-fun-into-extremism/

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