Sunday Special: 2020 Eyesight Applied to the 2020 General Election

Well, well, well….so the Leavers didn’t lie after all: Jeremy Hunt has announced that the NHS will, in the end, get £384m a week….that’s £34M more than the Brexit Bus claimed. What on Earth will the Remaindeers remoan about now?

Unfortunately, this isn’t light at the end of the tunnel….it’s a thumping great cyclopian juggernaut coming towards us.

Mr Hunt has always been the preferred candidate of big media and Alt State money behind the Conservative Party. Writing in today’s Telegraph, he describes the windfall as “money from Brexit for the NHS that can unite us all”. This is a masterly piece of leadership positioning: although himself a confirmed Remainer, he now steps forward to be the Hero of Public Health (although he very obviously isn’t) the man doing his duty as a servant of the People (he’s actually the servant of Mr Rupert Murdoch) and the man to unite the Party behind a Remainer now ‘locking Britain into Brexit’ (the issue still, however, remaining, “what sort of Brexit?”).

The Days of May are now numbered. The future for Real Brexit looks grimmer than ever. We are about to witness the elevation of Dorian Caligula Gray to power. If you thought the United Kingdom was already stark staring tonto-bonkers round the bend, give it time: sociopathic Britain is about to morph into a fight between the Soviet Union and Nazi Germany.

You have to laugh.

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Well good evening viewers, and welcome from me Ravid Dumblebee to 2020 Election Special. From now until God knows when, we’ll be covering this, the third snap General Election in recent years, filling the gaps of interminable tedium between results with projections, hypotheses, predictions, analyses, and off-camera knee-tremblers with assistant producers from various colours along the LGBT spectrum.

The night will be filled with results we’ll be expecting at any minute from around midnight, but not actually getting as such until the Returning Officer is satisfied that every sane citizen is asleep. With me throughout this unfolding origami will be a hip flask of Johnnie Walker, along with all our top experts here at Skybeeb – Adam Bloaton, Jon Soapsud, Thirsty Quark, Devon Avis, Huw Jellyboring, Victoria Nartyfakt, and of course our political editors, Laika Carlsberg and Kay Serasera.

Also joining us after the pubs close will be all the usual media and political soundbiters with nothing to say, something to sell, and everything to gain. And as I speak, I’m getting something in my earpiece now, so let’s go over to the Molehill East constituency where our man in the limelight on the spot off the cuff has something to tell us. How’s it going there, Devon?

[Cut to Devon Avis eating a prawn curry sandwich, looking suddenly startled. He speaks]

“Yes, hello Rabid and I think, yes, I’m just getting confirmation in my earpiece that you’ve got a fly in your earpiece and in fact there’s nothing going on here at all and so back to the studio”

Well there you are then, let’s turn to our chief pollster Yuri Guvnakov….Yuri, what did you make of that?

“Absolutely fascinating, I just fed that development into our Iabatometer and it looks like a 100% swing to the Jurassic Flies Party, so if this trend were to be reflected internationally, the next President of the United States will be Jeff Goldblum”.

Great Scott. I’d love to debate that further with you Yuri, but we’re going over now to Huw Jellyboring who is watching developments in the key Welsh marginal constituency of Pritilamb North…what’s the news Huw?

“Thank you Savid and look you, things are very tense here because the coffee machine has broken down and the Counters’ Union National Tribunal has called a count-to-rule until such time as the coffee comes back on stream isn’t it?”

OK, while we’re waiting on that result, I’m going to ask Kay Serasera to give us a review of the last twelve months leading up to this election….Kay….

“Well Sajid, the big news of late 2019 was the dramatic attempt by London firefighters to save  Cressida the black cat who captured the Nation’s hearts by climbing to the top of the Post Office tower and then deciding she couldn’t get down again. This was a politically charged event because Cressida’s owner was of course none other than Philip Hammond. Within hours of Cressida tempting rescuers to a height of 300 feet and then jumping to her death, David Lammy launched a searing attack on Hammond, and Momentum’s hashtag #Blackcatlivesmatter went viral. Accused of wilful neglect, cruelty and feline racism, the Chancellor was followed night and day by Labour supporters wearing black-cat hats, as the Cats’ Protection League held candlelit vigils and hunger strikes up and down the country.

“It was a challenge for new Prime Minister Jeremy Hunt, but he dealt with it swiftly by having Hammond shot under the new Emergency Powers Act, replacing him with Michael ‘Fingers’ Fallon, and calling a snap Election after rushing the Emancipation of the Remainers Bill through Parliament. The Bill called for removal of everyone over the age of 60 from the electoral rolls and the banning of all ‘diehard’ Leavers from holding Office or fund-raising garden parties….”

Gosh yes, what a start to 2020, although of course Labour members voted with Mr Hunt and so the Bill sailed through…

“….that’s right, and after the third hung Parliament in a row, Hunt then formed a National Coalition consisting entirely of Labour MPs who had resigned under Jeremy Corbyn’s leadership, Liberal Democrats with EU pensions, and Conservatives who do or had at any time worked for our proprietor, Lord Murdoch. Boris Johnson than renounced his Leavership and became Home Secretary, promising a water cannon for every police station, and three for his own home in Kensington.”

But then of course, events in the eurozone took an odd turn, didn’t they?

“Indeed Rasid. Contrary to all expectations, the euro collapsed as the Italo-Grecian fleet burst up the Rhine and invaded Germany. This made things really awkward for the Government which was, at that moment, steering the Cancel Brexit & Grovel for EU Reentry Bill through Parliament. After Brussels asked NATO’s Federica Smogherini to intervene in the emerging civil war, newly reelected Donald Trump gave his approval to ‘the full-scale rescue of Europe from the rise of Far Left Russian-inspired elements’, and at this point Jeremy Corbyn resigned as Labour leader to form the Islamic Feminist Democratic Anti-Fascist Green Quintet, with Caroline Lucas on doldrums, Harriet Harman on pink oboe, Jon Lansman on balalaika, Anjem Choudary on lead scimitar, and Mr Corbyn on a specially adapted 78 rpm Bert Weedon rhythm guitar…”

Thanks Kay, well that brings us to where we are today, and now I’d like to bring in Cliff Michelmore on the Swingometer, but as he’s been dead for years here’s Adam Bloaton to take over this national institution…..

“Hohoho well I must say Avid, I think of SkyBeeb as more of a gentle merger than a takeover hahahaha, but anyway here’s how the Swingometer looks tonight, I’ll just step to one side to move my six-pack stomach out of the way, and as you can see the Swingo is set at nought, because we haven’t had any results yet, but on the right of the circle there you can see the Coalition tricolour of blue, red and orange, while on the Left we have the IFDAFGQ masthead in purple, black and green, which of course also includes LGBTISIS elements and really should be banned from this election except that it has Democratic in the name. In tartan at the bottom there is Mad Jocks for Brussels, formerly the SNP.

“Now of course, we only have the last election to go on, which as you know resulted in 150 Coalition MPs, 80 seats for IFDAFGQ, and 65 seats for MJfB. The remaining 155 are grouped as ‘Others’ and include White Self Indentifying as Black (12), Monster Raving Looney (26), Pink England (13), 2020WAspi (18), Home Rule for Walsall (2), Everton Supporters Club (4), Legalise Sickos & Votes for 12 year-olds Alliance (33), Cornish Pastie Liberation Front (11), DUP (8) and of course the Rupert for President anti-Windsor Party (28).”

Right Adam, and what are the opinion polls telling us?

“They’re telling us that the biggest Party in the new Parliament will be Mind yer own fucking Business followed closely by None of the Bastards. So anything could happen Dajid…..”

I wish for Christ’s sake something would happen, but anyway over to our girl with her finger on the pulse of the Nation, Victoria Nartifakt….well Victoria, what have you got for us?

“Well Javid, joining me in the studio tonight we have a representative sample of women who keep getting raped, threaders on Left-Wing blogs, badger-gassers, Greenpeace activists, Free Tommy supporters and not forgetting…..”

Sorry to break in on you there Victoria, but we’re going over to Jon Soapsud at the Winterval North constituency, where we’re expecting an imminent declaration….

“Yes indeed Gavid, and without further ado, let’s listen to the Returning Officer”

“I Benjamin Nelson Fidel Hatter, being the Returning Officer for Winterval North, do hereby declare war on the crypto-fascist swine Donald…..sorry, wrong speech there….hereby declare the following as the votes obtained by each candidate:

” Lyla Rosa Aqbar Trotsky [IFDAFGQ] 59……..David Algernon Pfiffle-Unterborough [Coalition] 35,804…..Wilfred Alice Anastasia Rhone [White as Black] 783….Philip Battenberg [Monster Raving Looney] 22…..and Bruce Ned Raintree [Anti-Windsor] 22,922. I therefore declare….”

“And there it is and my golly what a shock for the Royals there and back to you in London”

Well what about that, Yuri?

“Well Rajid, in all my seventy-eight years as a pollster, I have never seen a result quite like that one. Obviously it’s a HOLD for the Coalition there, but an absolute catastrophe for Jeremy Corbyn’s Quintet….in fact yes, the Iabatometer shows a remarkable 470% swing away from Corbyn to Anti-Windsor….”

And I think our Top Frock Laika Carlsberg wants to come in on this one…

“Andeed ah dooo, aid lieke some bagger ter tell me hooo the heel yer can have saxty-thoosand vorts cast in a constitiyency wath oonla faftisax bladdy vorters orn the roool, and…”

[Quick cut back to Dumblebee who has developed a twitch]

Ah, right, OK, yes, um, over to you Adam…..

[SFX sound of scuffle and shouts of “teek yair fecking grubby hands orf me yer Sassenach tattybogle”]

[We cut to Bloaton with finger on earpiece]

“Oh thankyou very fu….yes, right, hahahahahaha, well that certainly was an odd one Rapid, and according to the Swingometer if this result was reflected nationally, um, we’ll have only two Parties by the weekend, the Coalition with a clear majority, and the Anti-Royals as the Opposition….which will create a tricky precedent because the anti-Royals do not oppose the policies of the Coalition, as such….”

Right, yes….well, I’m very pleased not to say relieved that our national treasure Diana Abacus joins us now from her London constituency. Not a good start for your Party eh, Diane?

“Well, you know Sajiv, it’s very early days in a long night, and I think you know this was a great moment for British race relations because White as Black scored very well indeed, and with hindsight it might have been better for our two Parties to merge….”

But Diana, you only polled 842 votes between you….

“….also it was hard for Wilf identifying as Alice to have a clear positioning as White identifying as Black when they are in fact Brown….”

So you see a great future for White as Black, then?

“Well, yeeeeees…..but it’s not just White as Black Javis, you see north of the Border we have Mhairie Black indentifying as White”

Er, right….but the Coalition attracted fifty-one times more votes than you….

“Well Jarvis, 51 per cent is still a very close thing, but anyway with so many Tranny candidates being three separate people now, once they come into politics more aggressively, our number of seats will treble”.

I see. I think. Good to talk to you again Diana.

“Always a pleasure Rahib”

Anything to say there Kay?

“Yes, I’d be delighted to have Lord Murdoch’s babies and serve as the press secretary to Jeremy Hunt”

Very wise, very wise. Victoria, what did your studio sample make of that result?

“Thanks Sahib, well I have with me here a member of our audience, and here she is, Sarina Desbert who comes from Haringey. What is your view on that result, Sarina?”

“Ah fort it was like well out of odah innit I mean iss like a betrayal of the multiculchrul siety an’ shit…”

“But it looks like the Coalition is going to romp home, and I think you voted to remain in the European Union, so aren’t you happy about that?”

“Course I bloody in’t, that is juss, like, seefingizzlike, more of that Hunt an’ that, juss like, yerknowwotahmean, anuvva like Towree what wants to sell the NHS ter them racist dudes in Germany an’ let us Black sisters die but yer know what, Black lives Matter innit, even Black men’s lives”. 

[SFX wild applause from the audience]

“Thank you Sarina….so, there you are Avij, that’s the beat of the street talking in real time going forward”.

Very telling there Victoria, and well-timed because we’re going out and about once again, this time to catch up with Thirsty Quark up there in the Scottish seat of McBearpit West, where it looks like the first Scottish result is about to be announced…..

“Aye, so aht az Livid….an’ ahm here to tell yi, we’re havan a raight ol’ stramash an’ no mistake. Anazz at happens, ah have wath me heya MJfB heed orv Comminicashans Rory McInreverse, sooo tell the vyooers ternicht Rory, are ye cornfidunt?”

“Ayee, ahm mair happee than a lamp dack in a feckun Viagra factory, will yee harve anitha wee dram noo Thirsty?”

“Jass a wee bat laytah Rory, but let’s see wort tha Ratoornin Orfissa has ti say fah hizzeelf….”

“I, Aillig Ainsley Ballach Cameron Darach Giovanni Dellaqualia, being the Returning Officer for the constituency of McBearpit West, declare the votes cast for each candidate to be as follows:

“Michel McBarnier [MJfB] 309,802…..Fulton Gilroy McEwan [Bannockburn Revenge Party] 23……Dominic Grieve [Coalition] 309,802….Ingrid von McKammerling [IFDAFGQ] 563……….David Icke [Anti-Reptile Defence Front] 1,267….Major General Hal Crosby [Bomb Russia Now] 73,901….and Pontius Pilates [New Testament Buddhist Exercise] 1.

“By the power invested in me via several bulky but untraceable fiat currency brown envelope contents under the Emergency Powers Act, I therefore declare both Michel McBarnier and Dominic Grieve jointly elected to serve the interests of a few people in this constituency during the forthcoming Reichsta….Parliamentary term.”

“Bladdy Heel Rory, whaddyi make ootothaaart?

“A feckun’ shatlood o’ munny Thirsty, an’ happy deez are heeyah agin….nar cumorn ye feckun’ misery, try a nip of the Loch Glenlowroad Malt…”

“Aye weell, if y’insist Rory….”

Thanks Thirsty, and now over to Yuri…what does that result tell us?

“Well Sadij, this seems to me like a very clear statement from the British People that they utterly reject any idea of independence from anything except Westminster, and it really looks to me as if this is turning into a landslide in favour of the EU…”

Even if the EU is itself, as it were, sliding over a cliff?

“Well you know Vladiv, I think far too many people in the metro-élites underestimate the fundamental wisdom of the British voter….perhaps the electorate sees a chance for reform of the EU in the midst of all the serious problems it faces”.

Well you know Yuri, I rather suspect that there might be other forces at work here, but far be it from me to doubt the words of an expert, or indeed lose my job by so doing….

“What this Scottish result shows on the Iabatometer is a remarkable 721% swing to Bomb Russia Now alongside a 2004% revival of the Anti Reptile Front….surely you feel privileged to be at the centre of history being made?”

I’m less sure history is being made as made up, Yuri. And as to feeling privileged, I would regard it as a privilege if people could get my fucking name right.