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A Scottish Plastic Fork Ban Is Sure To Come

Saturday, November 19, 2016 0:50
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In the burg of Greenock, somewhere in Scotland, at Cowden’s News and Fast Food Shop (CN&FFS), something remarkable happened in March of 2015. BBC News

You see, a young man, Arthur Rennie, 20, decided to try and rob CN&FFS. To help make his intentions clear, he decided that a sword was just the thing.

Unfortunately for Artie, the shop keeper, one 23-year-old Julie Crighton, in response to his demand for money, backed up with a push whilst wielding said sword, had the temerity to spoil Artie’s plans for riches untold by pushing him back.

Artie, perhaps shocked to find a victim of his actually resisting, ran away. Julie, no slouch this young woman, took off after Artie armed with … a plastic fork.

Artie was caught, charged and convicted. Said the Judge, Judge Lady Rae, just before he was led off to jail,

“I appreciate you don’t accept the jury’s verdict, but the evidence showed that you went into the shop – along with another – with your face covered and with a large sword.

“That young woman was extremely brave to tackle you and you then ran away.”

“This was a large sword and the incident must have been very frightening. She is an extremely brave young woman that tackled Mr Rennie despite the fact he had that sword.”

I found all this a bit confusing. I know the British attitude toward self defense (they do not favor it), and I assumed the Scots would be likewise. So I was a bit surprised that the Scottish headline didn’t read something like:

Fork Assailant Charged, Weapon’s Cache Seized,” with accompanying photograph of the weaponry impounded.

Fork Assailant's Weapon Cache

Fork Assailant’s Weapon Cache

However, thankfully, Scotland is not yet so deranged. But I’m not so sure about the USA. Because here, or at least in Pembroke Pines, FL, an 11 year old honor student girl wielding a toddler’s learn-how-to cut-my-food butter knife


while cutting a peach to share with a classmate, was not only suspended from school for a “weapons” policy violation, but investigated by the The Pembroke Pines Police Department, which has forwarded the results of the same to the State Attorney’s Office … for possible prosecution. ABCLocal10News

Said the young 11 year old girl’s parents of their daughter:

“She’s afraid now of the educators. She’s afraid of people at school. They need to change the system.”

Smart girl. And while brave shopkeep Julie is fortunate that she wasn’t armed with a toddler’s learn-how-to cut-my-food butter knife, thereby risking “Fork Assailant” charges; it is a shame that Pembroke Pines doesn’t have just a wee bit o’ Scottish sense.


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