Good News: There’s No Constitutional Right To Marry A Laptop

At least not in Utah. The 9th Circuit could probably find a way to make this happen

Utah says there is no constitutional right to marry your laptop

There is no constitutional right to marry a laptop, the Utah Attorney General’s Office said in a new court filing.
Responding to a lawsuit filed against Governor Gary Herbert, Attorney General Sean Reyes, and Utah County Clerk Bryan Thompson, lawyers for the state asked a federal judge to dismiss it.

Chris Sevier sued the state of Utah, arguing that if same-sex marriage is legal he should be allowed to marry his computer. He recently amended his lawsuit to include John Gunter, Jr., and Whitney Kohl, who are arguing for the right to enter into a polygamous marriage.

Sevier has a history of filing similar lawsuits in other states. He is acting as his own attorney in this lawsuit, and has been barred from practicing law in Tennessee.

“Plaintiffs contend that because the courts have recognized same-sex individuals’ right to marry, this Court should further expand the right to marry to include unions between a person and a laptop computer and unions between multiple partners,” assistant Utah Attorney General David Wolf wrote in the filing, adding:

“These claims are untenable as a matter of law because Plaintiffs lack standing to bring these claims and the right to marry has not been indefinitely expanded, nor should it be. Simply put, marrying a laptop computer or multiple partners are not rights protected by the Constitution.”

This is, in fact, a real story. This is not the Onion or other satire site. You can make the case that if gay marriage is allowed under the Constitution, because love, then bigamy and polygamy should be allowed. An inanimate object? No. Well, maybe a smartphone, considering how hooked people are on them, but, really, they fall out of love about ever 1 1/2 to 2 years.