What I Learned Watching the Freakshow Debate and Trumpapaloza Last Night

by Scott Creighton

Last night on the Fox “News” channel, a bunch of very stiff looking political hacks got together with some TV talking heads and tried to appear responsible and presidential as they took advantage of the one single Trumpless moment in the freak-show that is the Republican Presidential Primary season. Of course, they still had to talk about Trump.

On CNN and only about two miles down the road, The Donald was holding court in his own little event talking about how many cameras were at his show focused on him and how great he is while wrapping himself in the magic invincibility cloak that is “the troops”

I hear next week he is going to pay some illegals less than minimum wage to dig up the corpse of a soldier so he can literally wear it on stage and see if that will finally cause his poll numbers to drop a little. Somehow, sadly, I doubt it.

I learned quite a few things watching these productions last night and I thought I would share a few of the with you guys.

First: It doesn’t take much to convince the republicans in this country that you should be president.

Apparently what you have to do is tell everyone that Ebil Muslums are everywhere waiting to rape your children. Then you have to say “ISIS™” a bunch of times and promise to spend trillions of dollars rebuilding the saintly military industrial complex which is already larger and richer than the next top 10 militaries on the planet. You have to say “ISIS™” (guys who make fake videos and drive around in parades with big black flags on the trucks we gave them and still somehow never get bombed by Obama) is the greatest threat to our way of life since the Ebil Commies, the Ebil Nazis and the Ebil Satan.

You have to say you love God and more importantly, that your family loves God and that God loves your family because you aren’t gay, Muslim or a liberal.

You have to have a family. Even a Latino one, but you keep that on the down-low.

Then you have to say “Hillary Clinton” a bunch of times with a sneer on your face and promise you and you alone can defeat her ebilness.

Call Bernie Sanders a sooOoooOooOocialist once or twice.It’s Okay. The audience wont know what that means.

Then mention “ISIS™” again.

Then you have to say how bad things really are in this country (thanks to neo-liberal economic trickle-down ideology) but you’ll fix it using neo-liberal economic trickle-down ideology. Then you want to talk about some new way to privatize 1. public education 2. the VA and 3. everything else that could possibly turn a profit for folks like Bill Gates, Oprah Winfrey or George Soros.

Mention “ISIS™” again.

Talk about amnesty saying you were against it before you were for it and now you’re against it again but you’re MORE against it than everyone else is. Talk about your record if you have a record, talk about someone else’s if you don’t.

Praise the troops for protecting our freedoms (in countries that never posed a threat to us in any way) and then promise if elected president the first thing you’ll do is invade a bunch of countries that never posed a threat to us in any way, throwing those very same troops you just praised, under the imperialist neo-liberal bus.

Say “ISIS™” a couple more times.

Thank God for being born white (Ben Carson is white in case you didn’t know).

Take a couple shots at Televangelist Ted Cruz until he gets mad and pouts a little, threatening to walk off the stage.

Try not to pick your nose while the camera is on you. Complain the camera isn’t on you enough.

Exit stage left.

Second: If you want to get Trump off the debate stage so the “responsible” candidates can have a day in the sun as well, it really isn’t that hard to do.

Just get Trump to go along with the plan and have his own little road show down the street. He’ll like that because he’s the center of attention once again and ultimately he knows he’s not “in it to win it”.

Just use Megan Kelly as an excuse, further separating Trump from 50% of the conservative voting population, and then have Fox “News” publish some silly little comment that Donald COMPLETELY overreacts to and PRESTO… a pretext to get Trump out of the way early without banning him from the debate and further establishes his “anti-establishment” credentials with his obtuse fan base.

Toss in “the troops” and you have a bullet-proof plan…. which will end up being shot full of holes as “the troops” come out saying they don’t like being used as some hackish political stunt, further separating Trump from yet another large portion of the conservative voting base.

It’s a win win win.

Third: I hate too say it, but Rand Paul, Little Entitled Randie as I like to call him, turned out to be the most reasonable, rational and responsible sounding guy on the freak-show stage last night. That’s probably why they didn’t call on him much and probably why he’s polling so far behind the televangelist, the brain-dead brain surgeon and guy with a comb-over who does WWE barbershop stints in his free time from his phony “reality” TV show.

Fourth: Ted Cruz has just gone totally faith-healer on us now that the spotlight is on him. He talks like a faith-healer. He acts like a faith-healer. He has the hand gestures and body language of a faith-healer. And his history, like so many faith-healers of the past, exposes all the deals he cut with the devil (he, his father and even his wife all served the Great Republican Satan that is the Bush Family Dynasty)

He’ll probably come out next time one of these things takes place and start healing people by whacking them on the forehead and having Secret Service guys drag them down to the floor.

Fifth: Chris Christie really hates Hillary Clinton and that is pretty much all he has.

Sixth: Jeb Bush can’t deliver a line to save his life and that might be of interest to him because that might actually be what he’s trying to do.

The Bush Clan has a way of doing away with presidents they don’t like or get in their way (or at least trying to) and they never lost a presidential election they wanted to win (except that whole “Reagan” thing… and look what happened to him).

Unfortunately for him, Jeb was given all the good lines last night and he kept stumbling over them like he had Turrets or something.

Sans Trump and with Cruz goin all “I’ll take my ball and go home”, it was his turn to shine and he blew it. He came across like a pampered child of a political patriarch who’s talent and intelligence skipped  generation, which is exactly what he is.

Well, considering how the Bush Clan deals with obstacles in their way of world domination, Jeb might need to update his security budget a little and avoid riding around in convertibles for a while. I don’t think Poppy and his entourage would handle the failure of his redheaded step child very well and the martyr status might suit their needs better than the loser status would.

Would they offer up a slow-witted child on the alter of their greater good? Well, their friends the Hinckleys did.

Finally: I didn’t learn much other than this is just a ridiculous charade of a tradition, isn’t it?

Killary is going to be sidelined by the FBI investigation into her servers while she cashes the Goldman Sachs checks, washes the Libyan blood off her hands and moves down to Haiti to live in the Big House with Massa Bill.

Bernie is going to feel the burn when the country effectively turns in a negative reaction to Ebil SooOOooOocialism on what will undoubtedly be considered a referendum on socialism vs free trade neo-liberal economic ideology. Of course, the privatized electronic voting systems involved in counting the votes on that referendum must never be questioned.

Trump is a clown… like Baskets… with a ridiculous comb-over and a duck-face and even less talent.

In a just world, Baskets would be a presidential candidate and Trump would be the rodeo clown thrown face first in the pile of garbage, but, alas, it isn’t a fair world and the lottery of birth Trumps (or Bushs?) all.

After last night I still think it’s be Bush/Paul (or Rubio) vs Sanders/Biden (they wont dare include Warren on the ticket for fear of actually winning)

In a day or so we will see how things go in Iowa. Diebold cant rig caucuses… yet… so we wont get a full picture of the shape of things to come until a couple more states chime in, but yesterday I think makes things a little clearer.

It’s kind of sad. People were seen hanging out at bars watching this freak-show. Small, tired looking, yuppie wannabe crowds drinking themselves into forgetting what they once thought about this country.

I learned last night that I should have more of a life so I don’t end up watching this crap. I think Twain once said, “if voting made a difference, they wouldn’t let us do it” and was right about that.

And I thought that one candidate “election” Hillary staged overseas was silly.

The American political theater of the absurd never fails to impress now does it.

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