2016 In Review: America Off The Rails, Part 10
“A mind sequestered in its own delusions is to reason invincible.”
You know who it has to be. There can only be one winner in the race to total republican douchebaggery. The winner has to be someone who exemplifies and embodies a lionshare of the delusional dysfunction, insanity, anger born of frustration of all kinds, wackjob qualities, and bigotries that make up the republican ideal.
Many felt called; the republican primary race alone had 17 or 18 contestants. All felt entitled. All were considered for my contest as well. Think of them (I know you'd rather not): Bush, Fiorina, Perry, Carson, Christie . . I'll just stop there. I don't want any of you DWT readers getting sick from the images and wacko pronouncements of these societal low-lights being burned into your brains.
There were so many others I could have nominated, but I decided to stick with a few of the “big names.” Gingrich, Priebus, the half-dozen or so governors I mentioned in America Off The Rails, Part 7: McCrory, LePage, Brownback, Walker, et al. There was a sort of sub-winner among the governors, Rick “Let Them Drink Lead” Snyder, who garnered special attention because, while the other governors caused mayhem and oppression for the citizens of their states, Snyder actually poisoned his subjects. Poisoned! My, that's special!
The Republican Party also has a fine bench of up-and-comers. There's a whole petri dish of reprobate republicans in our future. They include Utah's camera-hogging cockroach Jason Chaffetz, who currently infests the U.S. House of Representatives. Yay, Utah! You must be so proud!
Then there's South Carolina Rep. Trey Gowdy, who, along with Chaffetz, led the umpteenth dumbass inquisition of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton over, dare I write the word, Benghazi. Don't you love how Gowdy goes out of his way to constantly mention that he is a lawyer, because he thinks that gives him validity and weight? No, Trey, it doesn't. All it shows is that, deep down, you know everything coming out of your mouth is absolute dogshit — dogshit with worms.
Readers will note that I didn't nominate any Republican women. Yes, I know they exist, but this is the Republican Party we're talking about. I could have nominated Kellyanne Konartist, but, despite the bang-up job she did for His Not-So-Excellency, I decided to go with living Republicans, not zombie ones.
Likewise, Vladimir Putin was not considered, for citizenship reasons. Sad. He might have won. Loser.
But I am fair to the female gender, and for that reason I have made an arbitrary executive decision and decided, at the very last minute, that the winner of my little contest should not be called Republican Of The Year, but Republican Person Of The Year. I know the winner will especially appreciate that.
SO HERE YOU ARE, COMRADE TRUMP!
You are officially declared my 2016 Republican Person Of The Year. Really, could the winner have been anyone else? I know how you love to be called a winner. Even better, since you are a cartoon (a sick one at that), and so much has been written about you and will be written about you in the future, I have decided that the best way to depict your person-ish essence is to just show your qualifications via cartoon.
2016 IN REVIEW: AMERICA OFF THE RAILS
No, he's not done yet, but here's Noah's annual Year in Review thus far:
Part 1, “Profiles in Cowardice: The Electoral College” (12/23/2016)
Part 2, “Republican Of The Year Nominee #1: Newt Gingrich” (12/27/2016)
Part 3, “The Trumpf Inauguration Committee Finds The Perfect Inauguration Entertainment At Last!” (12/29/2016)
Part 4, “Republican Of The Year Nominee #2: R-R-Reince Priebus” (1/2/2017)
Part 5, “Comrade Trump: The World's Worst Cabinet Maker, Believe Me — Meet The New Russian Oligarchs! (1)” (1/4/2017)
Part 6, “Comrade Trump: The World's Worst Cabinet Maker, Believe Me — Meet The New Russian Oligarchs! (2)” (1/5/2017)
Part 7, “Republican Of The Year Nominee #3: Governors' Edition” (1/9/2017)
Part 8, “Trump — The Art And Acts Of The Emboldened: The Rise In Hate Crimes Under The Influence Of Comrade T” (1/10/2017)
Part 9, “Republican Of The Year Nominee #4: It's A Sad Thing When Cousins Marry Edition” (1/11/2017)
Part 10, “Republican Person Of The Year Nominee #5 — And Winner” (today)
“When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying the cross.” — Sinclair Lewis