“The Joy Of Opting Out”
Saturday, November 18, 2017 20:49
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“The Joy Of Opting Out”
by David Cain
“Sometimes, improving one small, seemingly obscure skill can make you better at dozens of things at once. One time at a backyard get-together, I was chain-eating potato chips, when a well-meaning friend made a useful observation. At a natural break in our conversation, he said, “You’re a sucker for bowls of chips aren’t you?” He meant no offense by this, and I took none – we are both observers of human behavior. I knew I liked chips, but I hadn’t realized quite how unhinged my chip-eating is compared to the people around me. Most people will graze on chips when they’re around, a few at a time, but I tend to fall into a whirlpool of near-continuous chip eating. I spoil my appetite. I park near snack tables and mingle from there.
Interestingly, I wouldn’t describe myself as a fan of potato chips, and I only really eat them at get-togethers. I don’t derive any real joy from eating them, the way I do with chocolate, or spring rolls. For whatever reason I just have a repeating, mechanical habit of reaching into nearby chip bowls when they’re around.
If it’s true that people are either “moderators” or “abstainers,” then I’m an abstainer. In my experience it’s much easier to refrain from eating the first chip than any of the subsequent eighty. I don’t think I’m an outlier in this regard, however – one of Lays’ slogans is “Bet you can’t eat just one.” This is a transparent bluff of course – Lays wants you to take and lose this bet every time, not to test your mettle against snack-temptation in a serious way. They certainly don’t want you to regard not reaching into chip bowls in the first place as an improvable life skill.
But not reaching into chip bowls is a skill, just like tying your shoes or peeling boiled eggs. Like anything else, you can be a hapless novice at not refraining from reaching into chip bowls, or a true master. If you were to make a conscious practice out of it, eventually it could become trivially easy.
Unless potato chips are somehow single-handedly destroying your life, that may not sound like a spectacularly useful thing to get good at. But it definitely is – the ability to forgo chips and other sensory temptations happens to be an extremely transferable skill.
The Ancient Art of Non-Participation: An ancient spiritual practice is what sparked my recent interest in mastering the powerful art of chip non-eating. In a narrow sense, my goal over the holidays is to learn what it’s like to leave a nearby bowl of chips untouched. But this campaign in conscious chip non-eating is really a way of practicing a much more fundamental skill, one that makes life easier in virtually every area. Western Buddhism has a great word for it: renunciation.
Renunciation is one of ten trainable qualities known traditionally as the paramis (the others being generosity, resolve, patience, morality, effort, insight, loving-kindness, equanimity and truthfulness).
I think of these qualities as ten often-weak muscles each of us can strengthen during day-to-day life if we look for opportunities. The stronger these traits get, the less tricky your collisions become with certain recurring experiences that make life difficult: laziness, ill will, greed, egotism, and so on.
Theoretically, if you master those ten qualities, there isn’t a lot in the realm of ordinary human experience that will give you much trouble. Actively practicing them is new to me, but so far it seems as though every single moment of difficulty in life can be harnessed as a chance to strengthen one or more of those potent muscles.
The stronger we are at renunciation in particular, the easier it is to refrain from making tempting but costly choices in every area of life. By practicing chip non-eating, or any other specific form of renunciation, you’re simultaneously getting better at avoiding wasteful purchases, going to bed on time, declining a third drink, and otherwise quitting while you’re ahead, whatever the context—because they’re all the same skill.
We tend to think of renunciation as a long-term personal decree: “I renounce aimless web surfing forever!” Lifelong decrees are hard to stick to, perhaps even impossible, since they require you to decide for the person you will be tomorrow, next year, or next decade, and Future You may not agree that such a drastic rule was necessary.
The key as I see it, in my limited experience, is making our renunciations very small. I don’t know how to renounce snack food forever, and I’m pretty sure I don’t want to. But renouncing my participation in this bowl of Doritos is always doable. It’s a small feat with a lasting benefit: future temptations, of all sorts, lose a bit more of their pull.
Although such a renunciation is small, it is the forever kind—it’s just that the life span of a bowl of Doritos at a Christmas party is not very long. Swearing off snacks forever is unnecessary, as long as you are capable of saying, “Chip bowl #8046, I’m going to let you live and die without my involvement,” and mean it.
It’s within the power of each of us, if we want, to calmly and silently renounce participation in this gossipy conversation, this impulse purchase, this Twitter argument, this strike of the snooze button, this passing tray of Fererro Rocher – forever.
A Pleasure That Lasts: If you start practicing renunciation on this scale, you might notice an interesting side-effect: there is a kind of pleasure to be found in saying no. Your silent decision to opt out makes you feel empowered and wise, right then and there in front of the box of Turtles. It’s a softer, but less conflicted kind of enjoyment, more akin to the pleasure of giving a thoughtful gift than of downing a drink.
There is real pleasure in potato chips, Turtles and gossip too – of an intense, costly, and quickly-fading sort. If you pay attention, the life span of this pleasure can often be measured in seconds, while the costs last much longer. Developing a taste for the subtle sweetness of renunciation makes it progressively easier to take pleasure in the choice that improves the rest of your life too.
I’m new at working the renunciation muscle, and I’m probably still experiencing what gym nerds call “noob gains” – easy progress that happens to a body that’s never been stimulated in quite this way before. But I can see the trajectory. The gravity around the objects of my bad habits – phone apps, chips, second helpings – feels a little weaker each time I let the opportunity go by untouched. Sitting quietly without reaching for anything has a warm glow of its own.
Best of all, practicing renunciation of this sort doesn’t come with a feeling of martyrdom. You don’t have to wall anything off or deprive yourself of frivolous pleasures. The option’s always there. You’re just adding a new pleasure to the list of possibilities, and for once, it’s a kind that stays with you.”
Source: http://coyoteprime-runningcauseicantfly.blogspot.com/2017/11/the-joy-of-opting-out.html
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You mean coping out!