In March, hordes of ‘triggered’ and ‘fearful’ liberals began to investigate just what it would take to leave the country if – horror of horrors – Donald Trump should win the US presidential election. As the following chart shows, that ‘blip’ of search hysteria appears to have been nothing compared to the overwhelming exodus that just occurred…
Of course, this has not gone unnoticed by the Canadians (who emigration website crashed on Wednesday), as Jim Quinn previously wrote, the flood of Trump-fearing American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week. The Republican presidential campaign is prompting an exodus among left-leaning Americans who fear they’ll soon be required to hunt, pray, pay taxes, and live according to the Constitution.
Canadian border residents say it’s not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, liberal arts majors, global-warming activists, and “green” energy proponents crossing their fields at night.
“I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,” said southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. “He was cold, exhausted and hungry, and begged me for a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn’t have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just stuck their fingers in their ears and kept coming. Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals just south of the border, pack them into electric cars, and drive them across the border, where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.
“A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions,” an Alberta border patrolman said. “I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier water, or any gemelli with shrimp and arugula. All they had was a nice little Napa Valley cabernet and some kale chips. When liberals are caught, they’re sent back across the border, often wailing that they fear persecution from Trump high-hairers.
Rumors are circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer, study the Constitution, and find jobs that actually contribute to the economy.
In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the ’50s.
“If they can’t identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age,” an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage, are buying up all the Barbara Streisand CD’s, and are overloading the internet while downloading jazzercise apps to their cell phones.
“I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can’t support them,” an Ottawa resident said. “After all, how many art-history majors does one country need?”
Finally, for those still thinking of leaving, our exclusive “Canadian insider” offered these tips and answers about making the move to Canada and what you can expect when you arrive:
1. Are Canadians as polite as the jokes say?
In fact they are. One joke that even Canadians laugh at goes, “How do you get 47 Canadians out of the pool as quickly as possible?” The answer: simply yell, “Get out of the pool!”
2. Is the weather in Canada as bad as the jokes say?
No; it is actually worse. The beautiful East Coast becomes an ice cube in the winter—an endurance test equaled only by the weather in the capital, Ottawa, where the main distraction (aside from watching your breath freeze) is skating on the central canal, which freezes solid during winter. The prairies are no better. The outdoor parking spots accompanying most condos and hi-rises each have a built-in electrical outlet. No, not for your orbital buffer; they’re for your block heater. (If you don’t know what a block heater is, perhaps the Dominican Republic should really be your first choice for bugging out…?)
3. Of course, there is always Vancouver, which experiences the best winters in the country (like Seattle, but with fewer serial killings).
Keep in mind, however, that Vancouver currently has the largest housing bubble on the planet. (Source: “This is Freaking Nuts — House sells $750K above Asking,” Zerohedge, March 1, 2016.)
4. Canada has cross-country “value added tax” (VAT), called HST, that can add about 13% to a typical purchase in the mere blink of an eye.
If you are in business, you may be able to reclaim it. Most Canadians just pay it. Americans will find this unsettling. Of course, the whole idea of a VAT is that it theoretically obviates the need for income tax. Unfortunately Canada has not figured this out yet. They introduced income tax right after WWI, swore it was just temporary, and yet it is still here…? If, however, you are seeking the comfort and nostalgia of politicians who say one thing and then do another, Canada could be a dream come true.
5. Speaking of politics, the wise voters of Canada just threw out the most conservative leader in decades (that is “conservative” with BOTH a small “c” and a capital “C”).
This was mainly because they were bored with his conservatism, and (the irony!) they felt he was too close to the U.S.
6. Social medicine will be a kick if you are making the journey north.
It has its plusses and minuses. If you are in dire need, it is there. I have a friend who recently received a lung transplant, did not pay a nickel, and now loves Canada so much he moved back to Toronto from the Czech Republic. On the other hand, if you are looking for a simple MRI in a non-urgent situation, be prepared to wait several months or (more irony!) be prepared to cross into a U.S. border town and pony up cold hard cash.
7. Supermarkets will be a shocker.
Imagine that 70% of all the products you have come to know and love disappeared in the blink of an eye, like in a sci-fi movie, and, in many cases, they were replaced by brands you have never heard of. Your first time grocery shopping may possibly bring a tear to your eye. Good news? They do stock Kleenex, just like in the U.S.
8. No, you don’t have to learn French, in spite of the millions of dollars a year Canadians spend translating and labeling everything that moves or squeaks into the official “second language.”
Learning French is mainly useful only if you plan to live in Quebec or run for federal office. And if you learned history via U.S. textbooks, be prepared for some revisionism. Turns out that France did not lose the war for Canada to the Brits at the Battle of the Plains of Abraham. It was actually a “draw.” (Luckily, nobody bothered to tell the British or every province in Canada would have two tax systems and two levels of government, just like those freethinkers in Quebec.)
9. The thing you will notice the most?
Well, the whole money thing will be uncomfortable. First of all, everything in Canada costs more, ceteris paribus, than the equivalent item in the U.S., even before taxes. Why? Mainly because of the higher costs of labeling and moving goods in the sparser geography (hey! those French labels don’t put themselves on the items, do they…). Next, if you factor in the weaker loonie, well, let’s just say that as a Canadian newbie, your first experience with socialized medicine might be for anti-depressants. The good news? The doctor’s visit, and part of the cost of your meds, will be picked up by the very same country that depressed you in the first place!