Skinny Baby & Disapointments

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With my second baby, I was set and determined to nurse full time.  Nothing was going to stop me.  The first time was just a freak thing because Sam had issues.  This time was going to be different.  Then once again, the baby got jaundice and me nursing him wasn’t kicking it and he was still losing weight.  So I was told to just supplement.  It wouldn’t affect my milk supply if I did it right… so they said.  Well, Nephi preferred the bottle.  He didn’t want anything to do with that booby business once he discovered the convenience of the rubber nipple.  Once again, I went to see a specialist… who was about as helpful as my husband in the kitchen… which isn’t saying much, sorry, sweetie.

But number 3 was going to be a charm right?!  RIGHT!?  Wrong.  Jaundice struck again, and this time I flat out refused to supplement… but his weight got dangerously low and the doctor told me I really needed to.  And told me to go to a lactation specialist who single-handedly dried me out when I took her advice.  It was SOOOO depressing.

Now, with number 4, I was just going to say screw you all, I am going to nurse this little guy and NO supplements AT ALL.  PERIOD!  I was going to make the necessary sacrifices (limit running and eating some foods my body liked to store on my thighs) and be the perfect nurser!  So when this little started showing signs of jaundice, I told our doctor that I wanted to ride through it with nursing only.  She told me she would feel better if I supplemented but she was respectful of my decision.  I nursed like crazy!!  My friends and neighbors hardly see me out because I am always at home nursing this little guy.  I was determined to do this!  But as the weeks went by, my confidence started wavering when I noticed all my friends babies were looking big and plump and my little guy was pretty much exactly the same.  He didn’t seem to be growing.  His arms and legs got a little longer, and he just looked so skinny.  His diapers, size newborn, were falling off his non-existent butt. At a little over 2 months he was still wearing the newborn clothes as well.  I started feeling this horrible guilt that my pride and stubbornness were harming my little guy.

We went in for our 2 month appointment today, and I was right.  He wasn’t getting enough from me.  No matter that I did and ate everything right, my body just isn’t cutting it.  Joseph was 8 lbs at birth, he lost a pound with the jaundice, and today he is only 8 lbs 6 oz.  Not even on the growth chart!  I cried.  I felt like the worst mom in the world.  For not supplementing when I should have, and then for not producing enough to feed my baby properly.  What a loser.  And not just a one time failure… or a two time… a FOUR TIME breast feeding failure.

So tomorrow, I have to take him in to see a specialist… again.  They are probably going to tell me the same stuff I have heard before… give me the same advice I always get… and I hesitate to even write this post because I KNOW there are a bunch of well meaning readers out there that would love to give me their two cents… which, I know I have already heard a hundred times before.  So I am going to help you out, what I really want to hear from my friends is “That sucks!” or “I understand” or “Hurting for you…”  I don’t need advice, I need hugs and listening ears.  And one day when you need the same, I will return the favor.

Now that my pity party and rant are over, I want to point out a few silver linings.  The most important thing is NOT the way I feed my baby, but it’s that I do… and I do it the best I can for his optimal health.  I love my boys, and I wouldn’t do or not do anything that would hurt them, ever.  I’m not a perfect mom, but I feel that I work hard to be the best that I am capable.  My boys well-being is the number one important thing, and I will do what I can to fulfill my mommy role and raise these boys to be healthy and strong men, mentally, physically, and emotionally.  It may not always go how I plan, but we get there in the end… eventually.

-Cat