Wandering In The Desert

Over the weekend some family and friends posted on Facebook that 2016 was the greatest year of their lives.  I couldn’t help but wonder if they had lived in the same year as me.  Although nothing terrible happened to me personally last year, nothing great happened either.  Remaining alive seems to be the only goal I accomplished.  I am still distraught over the presidential election and I am anxious about the future, not just for me, but for the entire country.  No prior election in my lifetime, even when my candidate lost, has ever made me feel this way.  I find myself another year older with an uncertain future.  Of course, I guess all of our futures are uncertain.  As someone who will turn 66 in a few months I can’t help but feel like I am at the beginning of the end of my life.  I am not depressed about this but I am not in denial either concerning my mortality.  I think part of my problem is that I have lost a sense of direction and purpose in my life.  My life seems to be nothing but working and going to the grocery store.  Occasionally I accidently go to Kroger on senior citizen day and that can be very scary.  Working and grocery shopping seem to consume 98% of my energy and I seem to have little left for anything else.  Most evenings it is all I can do to maintain minimum life support systems within myself.  I am too tired to even be and anyone who knows me well knows I prefer to be than to do.  Fatigue is more than just physical.  It’s that, too, but it can also be emotional and spiritual.  A sense of purpose may energize me but then I wonder where I would find the energy for a sense of purpose.  It is time to find new meaning in my life.  Too much of life seems like nothing but chores and life should be about more than just making a living.  It is seriously time to re-think my life and find some activities that engage and energize me and not just annoy me.  I know I am a grumpy old man sometimes but it is not what I want to be.  Like most people I once had dreams of making a difference and living a meaningful life.  These days I feel a little lost and I need to find myself again although at this point I am not sure where to look because I don’t know where I am.  Where’s an imbedded GPS device when you need it?  The Israelites wandered in the desert for 40 years but they eventually found their way out and entered the promised land.  I am ready to do the same.  Occasionally I see some of you out there in the desert with me.  However, you shouldn’t follow me because I am lost.