5 Things They Don't Want You to Know About The Olympics

You’ve seen the sappy commercials and the heartwarming back stories on morning talk shows. The athletes who have earned spots at the Olympic Games are the purest of the pure, the world’s most dedicated sportsmen and women who probably won’t earn much more for their work than a few seconds of airtime and an occasional appearance at the local sports store. And that is what the Olympics are all about — a love of sport, country and your fellow man.

Maybe. Just don’t look too closely behind the scenes, or else you’ll find out that …

#5. The Olympic Village Is a Nonstop Orgy

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In each Olympics, the athletes stay in a small area nearby that is referred to as Olympic Village. They could also call it Boneropolis, or perhaps Sexsylvania, because these villages have become infamous for being festivals of sexual depravity.

Bangingham. Coxforherd. We’ve got hundreds of these. Wankfield.

Imagine living in a town populated by young, toned, athletic mini-gods at the peak of their physical prime. Imagine that they’ve all dedicated years of their lives to disciplining their hot, fatless bodies for a shot to live in this little town for a few weeks. And here they are, all 10,000 of them, minus their parents and spouses and the daily regimens that have governed their lives up to this point, in an exotic location, with lots of spare time. Let’s put it this way: At the 1988 Seoul games, there was such a problem with used condoms showing up on the roof of the British men’s housing that the Olympic Association had to ban outdoor sex.

Can you imagine a crisis of condom littering so profound that an official ban on publicly whipping out your Olympic-quality junk was required? Can you fathom the degrading conversation that had to occur between Olympic officials and grizzled coaches to get this ban enacted? And it was no isolated situation — from what we can tell, every single Olympic Village since, well, ever, has been knee-deep in genital juice.

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“Any idea when the next shipment of foot-condoms comes in?”

By 1992, Olympic organizers got so worried about the frenetic sexing that they started giving athletes free condoms just to keep the AIDS at bay. By the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics, 100,000 condoms were distributed to about 6,500 athletes and officials. That’s about 15 condoms per person. AND THE 100,000 CONDOMS WEREN’T ENOUGH. Halfway through the games, anemergency shipment of rubbers was brought in to fill the gap. And that’s not even touching how much unprotected sex these guys were having. So what we’re trying to say is that not even Las Vegas or Copulation Town, USA, can compete with the coitusathon occurring in the streets of an Olympic Village.

#4. The Host City Is Temporarily Turned into a Police State

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In order to recoup the enormous expenditure it takes to host the games, the hosts need big time international brand sponsors. And as the hosts, they have the right to let only those major brands sell their wares in and around the games. Fair enough.

“This horrific, career-ending injury is brought to you by McD****d’s!”

Unless, that is, you’re a London mom and pop store hoping to capitalize on this once in a lifetime opportunity. Too bad, because you’d better not even THINK about using common words like “Games,” “2012″ “Gold,” “Silver,” “Bronze,” “London,” “Medals,” “Sponsors” and “Summer” in your signs or products. If you accidentally combine any of these words while advertising for your small business, it’s a $30,000 fine.

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“Sorry, ma’am, but the year you live in is trademarked by the Olympics.”

So that’s weird, but if you’re trying to save your country from bankruptcy, some deals with the devil have to be made. It’s ugly, but no one wants to end up like Greece (more on that later).

But let’s say that, for whatever reason, which probably has to do with the fact that the Olympics murdered your parents and left you a wealthy vigilante orphan, you’re against the Olympics altogether. Don’t expect to use your freedom of speech to voice your anger against sports-themed injustices. The IOC demands that during the games, special rights be given to the host city. Not just strutting rights among the other cities of their nation, although that’s a given, but also the right to squash all local laws regarding free speech. The London contract, for example, spells out that all billboards throughout the city must be rented by the city and that only sponsors of the games will be able to use them. If anyone wants to put up an anti-Olympics billboard, they are banned. Police even have the power to enter your house and rip down an anti-Olympics sign.

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“Someone badmouthed Wenlock! Go, go, go!”

In London, the creepy Big Brother aspect of the Olympics “brand police” has led to a whole genre of protest art by underground artists. Just incorporating the Olympics logo into their work is an act of defiance — a lingerie store was forced to take down a window display using five hula hoops and some bras to mimic the Olympic rings, presumably out of fear that people would mistake that for the entrance to the Olympic Village.