Accepting That Sociopaths Walk Among Us

Over the course of the year that I’ve been spending hours a day with Robin on the phone or in person (which is going down as she gets better) I’ve been able to see not only the effects of her extricating herself away from an abusive, manipulative sociopath– but also at the overall lack of support she’s received from otherwise well-meaning people.

Her mother is a sociopath herself, so I wasn’t expecting much help there– and in fact I’m sure it was her early life with such a breathtakingly selfish mother that set Robin on the path to being the victim of abuse so many times in her later life. Her father is a preacher, and a gentle soul– too gentle, easily overcome by others; a coward who rolled over rather than reach out to protect his own daughter. She also has a brother and 3 half-brothers, and they mean well but can’t comprehend fully what has happened to their sister.

Robin’s husband– their marriage was strained long before she left him and ended up with Mark. But it was after she left Mark, her entire life a total wreck after 2 years of hell– that her husband truly began acting hateful towards her. He blamed her for getting into a relationship with a shithead. Everyone asks, “Why didn’t you just leave?” The blame is always placed on the victim.

I’ve studied a lot of angles regarding the human mind and human behavior– including when things go wrong, as when people either self-destruct or seek to destroy others. I’ve studied self-hatred and I’ve studied evil. What so many don’t understand is how often evil people actively seek out potential victims who don’t have much self-esteem and self-respect to begin with. Its like a dance where one person takes over the life and mind of another, and the one who has been taken over has to fight their way out of a labyrinth in which self-destruction is encouraged.

People in general don’t realize how MANY sociopaths exist in our society– 1 in 25. That means out of every 100 people you meet, 4 of them have no empathy, no conscience, no ability to attach to others, and have no experience with guilt, remorse, or any other reason NOT to do bad things to other people or animals. There is NO softness in them. They are ice. They are evil– and they remain that way for the rest of their lives. You cannot cure evil because that which makes a person care enough not to cause harm does not exist in their brains. Most may even be born that way.

There are people who lose their tempers and strike out. There are people who make mistakes because they are overwhelmed. This is not the kind of abuse we’re talking about in Robin’s case. Men like Mark have heart-rates that go down when they abuse others. They get extra calm and calculated and the pleasure centers in their brains light up with they induce pain and suffering.

Mark STUDIED how to be the most effective “Master” he could be. He studied brain-washing. He studied mind control. He learned the techniques that both cult leaders and military interrogators use to break down the will of their target. This is important for people to understand when it comes to abuse cases of this nature– Robin literally lost her will to say no. She became like a puppet. Terrified, miserable– finally able to reach out for help to me– but unable to help herself. At the very end, Robin found several books hidden away in Mark’s storage that explicitly laid out techniques for dominating another human being’s will completely, and its a good thing– because even as she was living it, she couldn’t believe what was happening to her. 

But let me give you a few examples of what I’m talking about here…

Research has shown easily and repeatedly that protein deprivation is detrimental to the brain’s ability to make judgments. If you’ve ever noticed that some vegans seem “spacey” this could be the reason why. In fact, shamans will curb protein intake and all ‘heavy’ foods for days before undergoing a journey. Lack of protein makes you subject to trances and suggestions. You’re more likely to just accept what you’re told without question, and unable to think through arguments logically. Mark routinely starved Robin, not allowing her access to food– but most especially protein rich foods. Not just meat, but peanut-butter was forbidden– as were dairy, eggs, and beans.

Research has shown likewise that sleep deprivation robs the brain of the ability to not only reason, but to function with stable emotions. Robin was rarely permitted to sleep more than 3 or 4 hours a night. Even when Mark had to sleep, he’d find ways to tie her up in such uncomfortable positions that sleep was impossible. He’d set alarms to go off at random times–LOUDLY–where Robin slept while he wore ear plugs, going so far as to hide alarm clocks in strange places around the house. If they woke HIM up, he beat HER– so she had to scramble to find them and turn them off. During the day if she fell asleep he would find ways to scare her so badly that she had strong incentive to stay awake.

Are we beginning to comprehend the nightmare this turned into?
This was more like being a prisoner of war than a woman who got smacked around sometimes.

Mark also used highly addictive drugs slipped into Robin’s drinks– typically coffee, which– given her extreme sleep deprivation, she sucked back like crazy as you can imagine. When he was around, he slipped her drugs– and when she wasn’t with him for any length of time at all, Robin found herself literally going nuts. Then when she returned to him, he slipped her more drugs. It wasn’t until a trip to the hospital that she realized one of the reasons she had incredible panic attacks whenever she left Mark was that she was suffering from withdrawal from meth and likely crack as well. Because these stimulants were slipped into a beverage, they weren’t as powerful if she had taken then in a more conventional way– however, they still had enough of an effect that she soon associated Mark with RELIEF from withdrawal and panic symptoms.

Then there were Mark’s special sessions– in which he loomed over her and made her talk about herself as a horrible person. He made her give examples of all the ways in which she deserved punishment. If she started to just recite or make something up or wasn’t fully engaged emotionally with what she was saying, he would catch it and make her begin again. Sometimes she had to think of the words, but other times he’d tell her what to say word for word and make her repeat phrases about her worthlessness, her ugliness, her stupidity, her insanity– on and on and on.

If he decided she had wronged him, he would make her get down on hands and knees and beg him for forgiveness. Then he make her do humiliating things to ‘make it up to him.’ Disgusting things that would turn your stomach. But if she didn’t do them, the punishment was worse.

Mark partook of another fun hobby: gaslighting. For those of you who don’t know of this technique, its named after a classic movie in which a man and his lover trick his wife into thinking she’s going crazy. Sociopaths seem to take particular delight in making other people think they’re crazy, getting them to doubt their own senses. Self-doubt makes fighting for yourself very difficult. For example, he would change around calendars and schedules every once in a while, then switch it back so Robin (sleep and protein deprived) wouldn’t know what day it was. He’d create all these effects to turn reality on its head for short periods of time, then return things to normal– so Robin never knew what to believe. Eventually, Robin found evidence of these maneuvers and even caught him switching dates on the computer, so she was able to realize it really wasn’t her.

Then he began trying to talk her into committing suicide, bringing her implements to do herself in– pills, razors… telling her how much better off the world would be, her children (now grown) would be, how no one would miss her. How happy she would make him. What a beautiful corpse she would be. As mean as he was, he was often quiet, kind-acting, and soft-spoken when he tried to seduce her into self-harm and self-annihilation.

It wasn’t until the last 6 months or so that the physical torture (not just beatings, but hours-long attacks) began. Robin fled twice to hospitals, so badly hurt she wouldn’t stop bleeding. Yet both times she returned to Mark, driven by extreme panic attacks. She only managed to get away after she literally had herself locked up not only because she feared she would kill herself, or that he would kill her if she returned (and make no mistake, it was quickly escalating to that point) but to have a safe place to detox as the drugs got out of her system (not even knowing they were there until the tox screens after the rape attacks.)

This is no ordinary bad guy. Mark is extraordinarily evil. When Robin met him there were signs (to ME) that something wasn’t right about him, but Robin couldn’t allow herself to believe her own instincts– until it was too late. Even then, she had no idea that every couple of months (out of the 2 years they were together) his behavior would reach a new low. It was a steady escalation of violence and control. He reeled her in and then trapped her. By the time she realized the extent of the threat Mark was, she was already too far gone to know how to escape. He separated her from her family and friends, and because they did not understand what was happening, they blamed Robin and abandoned her.

Then she called me.

As she revealed more and more details of what was going on– hidden in closets on the phone with me, or outside walking his bulldogs, or locked in the house to clean while he was at work– I knew exactly what was going on. I kept surprising her because I would ask– has he done this yet? And I was asking about some crazy thing no one would think of (like I asked her if she doubted her ability to figure out reality because sometimes it just went weird on her, because I guessed he was gaslighting her.) It took me months of talking to get her to leave him. Steadily ‘de-programming’ her, really. Talking about her past good deeds, of what I know about her worth, telling her how much I liked her and loved her– no matter what, explaining how sociopaths worked, and just talking about things we could do when she was free again. When she was finally close to being ready to leave, I helped her hatch a plan to escape, which almost didn’t work because she felt so compelled to sabotage her own survival.

She wouldn’t tell me Mark’s last name (Emery) or the town she was in or his address, because even with all that was happening, she was still protecting him until the very end. Of course, the last time she returned to him I had his address and DID call the police, as did her daughter. That was the final straw that sent her to the lock-up ward. While there, she lost over 2 weeks of memory she was dissociating so badly. I had some very odd conversations with a very angry person who didn’t sound anything like my friend. But I let her be angry, even at me– she hadn’t been allowed to show anger in so long that someone had to give her a safe place to rage. She couldn’t stay pissed at me for long when I just kept agreeing with her, anyway! =^)

And its been a long, hard road since that point. Next month, we go to court to see Mark charged with misdemeanors– as that’s all a jury is deemed likely to convict him for– as unbelievable as that may seem.

My POINT here is that through all of this, very few people had any idea the extent to which one human being would go out of their way to hurt another. Just for kicks. Because so few of us can comprehend the motivation for this type of behavior, too many get stuck in denial that this sort of dynamic can ever happen– let alone to someone they know or themselves.

Robin is very street smart. She had her first paying jobs at the age of 8. She’s worked all her life, raised a family– successfully. Had 2 marriages, the second one lasting over 16 years before she left. Robin is not a shy, wishy-washy person. She’s assertive, tough, knows her mind, and fights to do what is right– even if its not popular. There is no way she would put up with anyone laying hands on her unless something had gone dreadfully wrong and taken away her choice.

That’s just the thing. By inducing fear and manipulating perceptions, one human being CAN dominate another. Robin was utterly dominated and without outside help she had no chance of figuring her way out of the trap Mark set for her. Until more people understand how this dynamic works and step up to not only face and defy the bullies and sicko monsters among us– but to advocate for and refuse to blame the victims!– our world remains a playground for sociopaths. Ignorance is not bliss– its a target on our asses, or on our friends, family, and neighbors. If more people simply understood the reality of what can happen at the hands of truly evil people– Mark could have a real chance of being convicted for felonies, Robin could have more support, and more innocent people could avoid her fate.

I’m glad I understood what was going on and what Mark was– but I wish I wasn’t in such a tiny minority of people. I want to spread the word.

Beware of people who are charming. Charm is a verb, not a trait. It requires ACTING ability. Always remember that. Why does anyone have to pretend to be something they aren’t all the time? Why is image so important? Sociopaths are always shallow liars.
And if anyone you know seems to thrive on self-pity, even as an able-bodied adult? Watch out. Sociopaths love to manipulate through a trait they don’t possess– your ability to feel sorry for others.

1 in 25 people is evil.
EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO READS THIS WILL ENCOUNTER AT LEAST ONE SOCIOPATH IN THEIR LIFETIME WHO WILL WREAK DEVASTATION!

Know it. Accept it. And be vigilant about it. Don’t rush to deny or blame the wrong people. Step up and defend yourself, your family member, your friend, or even a stranger. The evil people keep winning their little games only as long as the rest of us let them. And if you discover someone is a sociopath, DO NOT COVER FOR THEM. Out them. Out them. Out them at every opportunity!