I've been carefully laying out plans, goals, timelines, etc. for many months now to get me through the divorce and beyond. My list for September is taking me longer than I thought it would. Putting together two rooms while trying to get through the heavily brainy focus needed for getting my paperwork together to change my name/bank/bills was apparently asking too much of myself.
I suppose I wanted to get all the work done so I could finally either crash or relax for a few months, seeing as how I've been pushing and struggling to get that divorce done right for SO damned long… but it was just unrealistic. I'm tired physically, and mentally weary, and the work is not yet done.
I had a remarkable August, remission-wise. But September is proving to be not so workable. Easily half my days are almost entirely unproductive as flares waylay my best plans. Projects have fallen away, and only my stubborn insistence allows me to keep picking things back up to continue on my course after getting interrupted over and over again. I don't have my “tracking system” working yet in my new digs, so I keep losing stuff! I have a file cabinet that is only halfway organized, as I keep tracking down paperwork I swore I kept in a safe place to not lose… and then lost!
Its all here, I just have to finish getting it all straightened out and organized. And I realize I'll need to allow myself another month to finish my move and paperwork and curb my wildly optimistic expectations. I'm exhausted. But I'm also stubborn, and I'm slowly getting shit done and done right, and its not much longer before I can take a couple of months to just exist and work on small projects for awhile. Indeed, this winter, all I want to do is slowly help get this household in working order (and prettified a little) and get back in the habit of writing. I've been so out of my normal mental zone of research, writing, and creative endeavors! Its hard to get to such things, however, when I have a fucking pile of things to do staring at me.
I've long since given up wishing that I had a more functional body, but that doesn't mean my patience with the reality of my limitations won't tend to run a mite thin during such times as this. I'm getting there– but I'm really damned tired of this leg of the journey! I want to be already starting my new life– not still setting it up!