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A Week Flaring & Unmotivated

Saturday, October 22, 2016 12:03
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I’ve been trying to get in the habit of blogging every day again, and this last week was just– a load of BLAH for me. Couldn’t bring myself to care enough about ANYthing to write about it, as far as non-fiction is concerned. Also was flaring and caring for 3 kittens and between the 3 issues (mood, flaring, kitten time) I just didn’t have it in me to text-speak.

Although, one bright spot– I did manage to spend several hours (like 20?) writing fiction. Just practice fan-fic stuff, but it was fun and once I started, I kept on rolling and rolling, to the point of writing all day and into the next morning. Threw off my sleep schedule, but the story was easy and I was able to ‘go there’ with my mind.

So– something is working with my writing, anyways!

I suspect that a part of me is just burnt out. I don’t want to much right now. Other than taking care of business stuff (when I have both money and a ride to get shit done) I just want to avoid reality. I have even had a couple of days of heightened anxiety, until I resolutely turned away from dealing with practical stuff and just worked on fantasy games and writing. Then I came out of it pretty easily, as my imagination stress release strategy is beginning to work again quite nicely.


Its weird to think that reality intruding upon my ability to ‘check out’ with fantasy may have been one of the big things that led to my breakdown last year. I HAD to deal with my entire world crumbling around me, using every bit of energy to focus to survive and come out the other side of the divorce, and it just broke me to have that much reality on my plate. Pathetic, but true perhaps. I can normally go back and forth and balance it out– a little reality, escape, a little reality, escape (and heal from reality.) I think most people do to some extent, I’ve just got an over-developed psychological system for this. When I couldn’t use it to deal with a reality gone crazy, I went crazy too. And I mean… yeah, I just fucking lost it there for several months.

Things are getting better, and I’m feeling better, but I’m just really tired. I thought maybe I’d have a reaction like this, but I was hoping to heal a bit more swiftly. Le sigh…

I think I’ll get my journal-writing book I bought way back in the 80s that used many techniques by one of the most famous diarists of all time, Anais Nin. I have shit in my head, its just stuck in there and I need new ways to get it all out!


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