One thing I learned from Robin after her horrendous ordeal with a serial sexual predator: you won't have nightmares while you're in the thick of trauma, but you WILL have them once you're feeling at least semi-safe. Apparently, during the prolonged emergency, your subconscious suppresses the pain and rage– but once you can breathe, even a little, your need to process it all comes out at night…
And I've been having nightmares at least 3 times a week that are disturbing enough to keep me up for hours. Its throwing off my sleep schedule pretty badly. Sometimes I just give up and get up at 2 or 3 or 4 in the morning, but then I can't sleep until 1 am. So I'm getting bags under my eyes again and feeling sluggish. Bad sleep is not good for my physical issues.
One dream was about baby kittens that turned into baby goats. Then the goat had a problem in its throat and I saw it was some sort of parasitic lizard! It had first eaten the goats tongue while living inside the goat, then it replaced the goat's head with its own.
I've had similar dreams in the past about having horrible things to say but can't (don't feel safe enough) and in the dreams, I'd be pulling out rotten meat laced with that awful bile taste from my mouth and throat. In this one, though I didn't feel it directly, it was about me. Dreams love puns and cliched sayings. Here its “What's got your goat?” or in other words, “What's pissed you off?” I think the lizard was about more primitive parts of me clamping down on my ability to express myself or speak. The lizard was inside the goat, eating/attached to its vocal cords!
Another dream, obviously related to the first, was more similar to the repeated rotten meat dreams of my youth. Instead, I was horrified to find that my hair had somehow gotten into my mouth and was wrapped around my tonsils or more deep in my throat! I tried tugging to get the hair back out, but it seemed stuck. I didn't want to swallow the hair down because that wouldn't be right either. The dream ended with me getting up to a very uncomfortable feeling in my heart/stomach region.
Again with the 'can't speak' theme!
A part of it may be that I don't speak as freely as I'd like where I live now. I have to be very diplomatic at least. But I DO find ways to talk to my roomies about how I feel or how to do things and so that is working itself out. I'm very wary of how this process goes down, but I'm not neglecting it as I have in the past when living with other people. I'm not going down that road again!
However, I think much of it is that for over a year, both after we moved to Windy Firs and during the divorce later, I was unable to speak and be heard. I DID speak plenty and even yell at many points– something I hardly ever did before and it shocked my then-husband. But I was summarily dismissed due to manipulations by his lovers and even his lovers ignoring things I said about my husband. They know I told the truth NOW, and I'm guessing my ex is realizing more and more that I told HIM the truth as well. But I didn't get the satisfaction of getting to witness the truth coming out. I didn't get to feel vindicated on location.
And I guess it still bugs parts of me.