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Dream: The Assjerk vs. The Rescuer

Friday, April 21, 2017 10:44
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(Before It's News)

My dreaming marathon continues…

I’ve really been putting effort into better, longer sleep. The fatigue flares are destroying what little life I have, and I’ve got to conquer the sleep disordered pathetic slumber if I want to alleviate some of the problems contributing to my exhaustion. SO–! I’m taking herbal meds like Valerian root and 5 to 10 mg of Melatonin, all in an effort to try to get back on some sort of schedule. (Otherwise, I’m getting mixed types of insomnia, randomly kicking in on different days.)

The last few days I’ve managed to get back to at least 8 hours of sleep between 11pm and 7am, which is my ideal schedule, and– as I mentioned before, it’s like all these dreams are bursting forth and being remembered upon awakening.

The down side is that this includes a few nightmares. The extra long story dreams I don’t mind, but when they get disturbing, it can be a bit much…

This morning I dreamt that I was planning, discussing, and then finally going on a roadtrip to see some kind of show with a bunch of friends that I am no longer friends with (like Kate & Wacita were there.) We somehow ended up with an ass of a guy as our driver (the image was of the actor who played the boyfriend of the pretty girl on Stranger Things) and my sister ended up going, as well as some giant Xmas lawn ornaments? (I just love the illogic of dreams, don’t you?)

But the point was obviously about rehashing old emotions from the past. Yayness… =^/

Not too far into our roadtrip, the ass dumped one girl after we stopped off to pick up something. I thought it was a part of the plan, but it wasn’t. Everyone went along with it. Then we stopped for lunch, and Wacita was dumped. I was shocked that Kate would permit her best friend to just be left on the side of the road, but the ass driving us said, “She can hire a Lyft or Uber or something… Don’t worry about it!” I was really upset, but didn’t rock the boat too much because I wasn’t sure how to handle the incredibly awkward situation.

Until, that is, they dropped off my sister and her 3 giant Xmas ornaments somewhere while I was using a bathroom at a gas station! My sister is intellectually disabled and such an action would be a monstrous thing to do to someone like her. I freaked out and insisted the ass drive us around to look for her. I was beginning to realize that he was trying to turn the group trip into a date for just him and me, and that was the reason for abandoning all the other passengers! I felt so stupid!

We drove around a neighborhood, with me getting ever more freaked out, when I saw one of the giant ornaments– broken!– in someone’s driveway! I demanded that the jerk pull over and leaped out, starting to cry really hard, and went up to the house. Dreading what I would find and hating those so-called “friends” who would allow themselves to be manipulated by someone who could do this!

There, I saw Gerick. My sister called him for help, so he came to pick her up when things fell apart. I was SO relieved!

I ran into the house, and Gerick rose from the sofa and rushed to catch me in his arms, saying it was okay. We hugged, and I turned around, and there was my sister, perfectly fine, but pissed that they broke one the ornaments she had with her (a giant “north pole”).

Then I awoke, feeling very weird…

I can interpret that the Ass driving the car was like the dark side of Gerick. He can manipulate people for his own reasons, and the ex-friends thing was obvious… I have come to believe that at least some of my friendships ended, or ended more quickly, because he may have complained about me to them. And separating their target from support is a classic tactic of manipulators, and I’ve recently read about that type of tactic, so it was on my mind.

My ex-friends falling for it, as well as being victims, really brought out mixed feelings in me. Confusion, and distress, and not knowing what to do…

With my sister, my protective side kicked in, and it wasn’t a matter of just letting things happen anymore, though. However, the kinder, more responsible and protective side of Gerick popped up as the part of him I remembered and loved and appreciated the most. He was always unfailingly kind to my sister, who could be very annoying! She trusted him and talked to him, when she doesn’t trust or talk to almost anyone, especially men. He got her to open up by passing notes and drawings back and forth when they first met and she was curious about him, but also scared of him. No one ever took such steps to connect to my sister, just so she would be comfortable when they were around. He got along better with both my sister and mother than I did for most of the many years we were together.

In the dream, when I saw ‘nice Gerick’ and I rushed to him and we embraced, it was a reminder of all his good qualities. Of how caring and dependable and reliable he always was. He couldn’t negotiate adult emotions sometimes, but he believed in following certain rules and, as I was raised by parents who didn’t seem to use them much (rules that is…) it was something I came to count on about him. He was moody, but was always there, doing what needed to be done.

I guess that’s why I was so shocked and disbelieving when he threw all the rules out the window and turned on me. It really was not like the man I came to believe in. He had his flaws, but his good qualities made me feel secure. I still have days where I can’t believe it!

Oh– and the lawn ornaments? Unrealistic expectations of celebration, happiness, ideal home life, etc. The “North Pole” would be like the compass direction writ large… a belief and hope in a direction in life. Yeah, I’m pretty cynical already, but what happened– having the last person I came to count on let me down and also betray me– it really smashed some of those ideals that I had left, and I didn’t have a lot to begin with. It’s really very sad. But it doesn’t matter. I have to pick myself up and dust myself off and move on somehow.

I guess the dreams, and my thoughts, are just processing all that happened before and during the divorce. Nightmares come after the shit calms down… that’s true for almost everyone. The good news is that this means shit is calming down for me, and my subconscious believes it’s finally “safe” to touch on the hard subject matter. Like– how a man can be more than a black villain or a white rescuer?

Life is more complicated than that, no matter how much we wish otherwise…


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Total 1 comment
  • b4

    what a bunch of total bullshit–what a self centered narcissitic cry baby–petty nonsense–all horseshit–go away– i i i i me me me me me i i i —all about me me me me me–going to go throw up

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