IFS Exercise: Further Work with RottenRed & Daddy's Little Girl

I wasn’t feeling quite ready to move forward with IFS stuff, but I have begun feeling more prepared. The dreams are working to heal Aspects on their own even when I’m not doing this imaginative work myself! I take that as a sign that I can handle more.

Today, more dialog with my Father-based Ray, RottenRed and the Shadow he Torments/Protects?– Daddy’s Little Girl.

~ As Imagined ~

SELF: I’m feeling like this time, RottenRed trusts me more and is ready to come forward and communicate with me. Is this true?

ROTTENRED:  *comes into my imaginary meeting room wearing a suit and looking only a little disheveled– adjusts suit and sits*  Yeah. I’m here. I think it’s time we more forward and make some changes… *looks annoyed at me* Can you type?

SELF: *I was messing up for a couple of seconds as I typed this*  Yes! I’m fine! Just finger tripping! Thank you for signaling to me that you were ready to speak. I wanted to respect that. I know you must have something to say, and I want to hear it and work with you.

ROTTENRED: *sighs skeptically* Jesus! Do you have to mention my every nasty habit? Way to be neutral and fair, Ms. Self!

SELF: I’m doing my best to portray our communication as truthfully as I can. I’m not trying to cast you in a bad light. You’re a complex Aspect, and I need to see and consider all sides of you, including your impatience or… pessimism. If it makes you feel any better, I’m actually really impressed with how much your attitude has improved. You are skeptical, but not nearly as disrespectful. Could we stop talking about how I’m doing this and get down to what it is you wanted to say to begin with?

ROTTENRED: Yeah, alright, sorry. Be sure to mention I’m looking remorseful and at least a little contrite. Got that? Typing that up there on your blog? Okay– good!

SELF: Yep! Go on, please.

ROTTENRED: Okay. Now, what I wanted to discuss with you in a more civilized manner– I’m talking slow so you can keep up with me here…

SELF: Uh-huh. Thanks. Stop procrastinating and say something besides how I type or what I type, PLEASE.

ROTTENRED: Yeah, yeah. Well, I’m nervous, if you must know. This is kind of a big deal to me, all exposing myself and being up front with you and the rest.

SELF: I understand that. You don’t have to worry. We’re a team here. I won’t keep boring you with the details, because I know you get that, but I want to emphasize that I’m here to support you. We’re trying to find ways to live with one another better. I am feeling that you have something to say about D.L.G.

ROTTENRED: Yeah, I’ll get to her in a minute. I just wanted to say that I like the idea of being a better Dad to you than I’ve been. The Old Man I’m based on is gone! He’s dust in the ocean. He… *starts to look emotional– almost teary-eyed*

SELF: He… *prompts and waits*

ROTTENRED: He hurt us. I hurt us too.

SELF: *getting teary eyed myself and trying to unblend* Yes. He did. And yes, you did too.

ROTTENRED: I wanted to explain why. I wanted to tell you how I came to be this monster in your head….

SELF: *waiting*

ROTTENRED: It goes back to the Aspect, er… Shadow, that you call “Notorious D.L.G.” Daddy’s Little Girl. Now, I don’t want to say it’s her fault, exactly. That’s not quite it. See, I talked to her from the time we were all tiny. I watched our father and explained him to her. The more I figured him out, the more I turned into him. I emulated him to… know him.

SELF: I think I expected something like that.

ROTTENRED: I guess I wanted to tell you that D.L.G. and I started out as friends. I told her when she could count on the Old Man being happy, friendly, in the mood to– not just be safe to hang around, but fun– stimulating. If we could just strike the right balance, we could keep him on our side, please him… But when we got older, it was a constant dance. I guess I got tired of pretending to be DLG’s friend. How could a real friend or a real dad be so horrible? So I just decided to be consistent for her, unlike the real RottenRed, so she would stop counting on the real father for praise or good feelings. I made her HATE him– the real father. I wanted you all to HATE ME.

SELF: Because when we stopped hoping the real father would love us, we were free to hate him. Hating HIM saved me. It saved us all. When he said and did terrible things, I knew he was a monster, but I didn’t blame myself. I blamed him. Most children DON’T do that. I noticed that while very young. When I told people at age 8 that I hated my father and wished my mother would divorce him, everyone was shocked. He didn’t even beat me up or sexually molest me! But he was a hateful man and emotionally violent, as my therapist once said. He terrorized me for years. Tormented me. Insulted me. And my hatred insulated me from believing his opinion of me. My disrespect for him gave me an out– it created emotional distance. You’re saying you did that? That it was your strategy to separate our hearts from the hateful man who was my father.

ROTTENRED: *nods* Yeah, yeah… *laughs cynically* Some hero I am, huh?

SELF: In a twisted, backwards way, you kind of are, actually… *considering and feeling other Aspects mulling this over with me*

ROTTENRED: I’m not saying I was a good guy. I’m saying being a bad guy and turning other Aspects, as you call them, against me and the real father was an act of protection. When the father was no longer around, I kept up the old routine because what the hell else am I going to do? I’m here, aren’t I?

SELF: I get it. I do. What does facing the end of that role mean to you?

ROTTENRED: Well, when you were talking about wanting me to take on all the good roles about your father that you liked, it made me think. I dropped all that on purpose so you wouldn’t forgive him. We couldn’t afford forgiveness. We tried it, and it backfired spectacularly. [Note: He's referring to a period of time when I was 15 and tried to work out a 'fresh start' with my dad.] I suppose what I need to know is if it’s safe for me to take on the “good dad” role.

SELF: Ah! Got cha! We’re old enough now to have perspective. If we think nice things or remember the good parts of my father, we’re not going to start hating ourselves for not being treated better by him. I think we all know the score on that! So, I’m telling you that it’s safe to take on his positive personality. We know who and what he was to us. You don’t need to keep up the reminder. We’re processing his abuse of us with consideration. You can be a good guy now– and even be friends with D.L.G. again if  you want.

ROTTENRED: *snorts* I don’t think she’s going to want to talk to me for a while! Who in our system would?

SELF: Well, I know from dreams that my mother aspect talks to you– so you have a friend or two up there in my head. Don’t deny it!

ROTTENRED: I guess you got a point there…

SELF: And Daddy’s Little Girl might surprise you. She’s stuck in time to the point she’s still a child. To her, there is still time to grow up with a great dad. You could start over with her. I think she’ll respond very well.

ROTTENRED: And how do I do that–?

SELF: You do that by interacting with her the way my father did with me when things were good. She remembers those times too. Approach her to do math, or mazes, or chess. Talk about science with her. Make fun of stupid people. Enjoy things like jokes and comics and way-out topics. Hold her hand and show her some cool dream realms and help her feel safe. I can feel her inside me– she would LOVE that. She wants a daddy to love her again.

ROTTENRED: *looks a little stunned* Alright. *nods* Yeah… I can do that. It will take a little getting used to…

SELF: I know. But you just start and see what happens. Just do it differently and keep going.

ROTTENRED: What about my monster side? I made myself a monster…

SELF: Why don’t we try separating that part out? We can put that to the side and then heal it when you’re ready. For now, let’s give you a new name and identity. You won’t be RottenRed anymore. Who do you want to be? When you take on a new role, you get a new name.

ROTTENRED: Just Red is fine. I don’t need a fancy name.

SELF: That’s cool. Red is the color of a strong person, who is dynamic and very noticeable. I think that’ll work! *smiles*

ROTTENRED: Okay, okay, don’t get excited. And I’m not going to be Mr. Nice Guy overnight.

SELF: You need to practice, but the more you try it and actually do the “good guy” act, the more it will become a part of you. Just like you weren’t a bad guy to start out, you developed that side. Becoming Red and dropping the Rotten will be a process.

ROTTENRED: *sits back and finally seems to relax* So that’s it, huh? I’m a new guy and it’s a new day?

SELF: Its the first of many new days– but yeah, you get to be a new guy now. You are formally freed from the need to make everyone hate my father to save our selves. He’s gone. We have no need to fear him, or you, ever again.

ROTTENRED: *raises his eyebrows & gives a lopsided smile* Well, I guess that’s it for now…

SELF: Okay. Thank you for coming to talk to me. I’m glad we’re helping each other now. I really appreciate you reaching out.

ROTTENRED: Hey, I’m a new guy. *tips imaginary hat to me, gets up from chair, and walks away…*

~ END SCENARIO~