Hiding from Conditions & The Front Seat Girls

Le sigh…

The humidity is around 60%, the heat is in the 90s, and there has been smoke in the air so long I forgot what a blue sky looks like. And to begin with I was handling it okay. I could even do a little activity with copious breaks.

That is no longer true. I need an air conditioner (and dehumidifier) and an air cleaner in order to function at all. There is only one room I can find these things– and thankfully, that is my bedroom!

I’m reminded of the broiling Ohio summers when I sat in a chair next to a window AC unit, waiting for dark before daring to venture outside, or even to move much inside the house! Summers were more limiting to me than winters.

I guess it could be worse… at least I have an AC and air cleaner! And– they are finally seeing a shift in the high pressure system that camped out over us for weeks. We’ve hit 54 consecutive days without rain, a new record since 1909 when they started keeping records, and it appears we’ll hit 56 days before maybe getting relief, but it may only be sprinkles. Regardless, the wind shift should be enough to blow the smoke eastward and away from the coastal areas.

I’m sleeping a lot these days. It has been a long time since I’ve been over-saturated with sleep. Sure enough, I’m getting crazy dreams…

Right after I came home from the pain center, embarrassed by losing control and crying in the office, I dreamt [ that I was out on a mission, driving around in a little car. I stopped and parked at a place in a suburbs that looked like one of the properties I looked at with Gerick a couple of years ago. I got out to survey it, and I was thinking about how things could have been different. With a sigh, I turned back towards my car and–

– was shocked to see two women in their early 20s just jump into the two front seats!

I was outraged, and managed to grab the front door of the passenger seat before the blond one closed it on me. I yelled at them to get OUT, it was MY car! But they both scoffed and laughed. Then I lost my shit and crawled into the car to try to shove the brunette out of the driver’s seat. She and the blond stopped laughing and became silent, but they both set their jaws and stared straight ahead, clearly meaning to stay!

At that point, I’d had enough of asking and commanding. I was sitting on the blond in the passenger seat, and I started to attack her physically! I pulled her hair and then started to BITE HER FACE!! I bit her nose and ear, trying for all I was worth to bite them OFF and maim her for life!

I awoke abruptly snarling like a rabid animal!

It didn’t take much to realize that of course the Aspects were parts of me who took over sometimes when I really didn’t want them to… A car in our time is about traveling through life, and about control. I had a dream once where a little boy was behind the wheel while I was out of it and when I told him he was too young to be driving, he informed me he did it all the time!

Reassuring, right?!

So now I have these 2 Aspects who were stubborn, but to begin with seemed intent on running around and having fun I think? I was trying to contemplate my life and figure things out, and THEY wanted distractions! I wondered if it was about crying– but that’s Crybaby freaking out, and that’s not who was in the car, and I managed to get a hold of myself pretty quickly. I was also angry at my sister’s helpers and my mother, but they don’t drive my car– so to speak. I think this is about the part of me who didn’t get to party enough, to play enough, to have fun like young adults do enough (or so they feel) and who want me to relax and stop being so serious maybe. At least, that’s the only interpretation that fits.

What’s wild is my response! I mean, attacking and BITING!?!

I’m trying to figure out what Aspect I blended with to pull that response out of me… What part of me would be so enraged at being stopped from thinking over my past!? It seems rather crazy to me. But I felt so angry in that dream!

I probably owe my “young party girl” aspects (who have yet to be named) an apology. I don’t know what (aspect) came over me! Yeah, I need to look things over to feel okay as I go along, but to THAT extent? That I won’t let myself relax and just enjoy being spontaneous!?