Dana's Visit & Wine & Cheese

Several years ago, when I started actively socializing with friends from work, I started a “Wine & Cheee” club. I love to try different wine and cheese combos on my own, and just invited others to join in.

The rules were simple: bring a bottle of wine and a block of cheese you think goes with it. We all share and make notes of the best of what we consumed. I would throw in extras every now and again, like videos explaining wines and stem glassware shapes and so forth. Once, I showed my favorite wine movie, called Bottle Shock with Alan Rickman and Chris Pine. True story about California wines beating out the French in the ’70s.

We decided to do that for Dana’s visit, since Tess and Dana and I were the 3 that always made the meetings. If everyone only brings 1 bottle and shares, you don’t actually have any hangovers. We learned that the hard way. I had a couple extra bottles to share and I felt it the next day. Not badly, but it’s been a long time since I’ve had even a mild hangover because I’m just not much of a drinker.  But-! Worth it! Special occasion and all of that.

Dana was her old self: Type 9 with a little 8 “bad girl” shadow. Sweet, sincere, and just ever so very slightly twisted. She’s a Christian, more so now than when I met her (but she was 19 and just coming out of her bad girl rebel phase anyways). A mom and wife, she’s settled into her adult life, even caring for her mother who has advanced Bipolar Disorder, which has been largely untreated to the point she’s delusional and needs to be cared for 24/7. Dana takes it on without complaint. For her visit, she was relaxed and giggly, like old times.

At one point, we brought up religion, since Tess’s mom is so religious, and Dana said she really felt Jesus in her heart– and gave quite the speech about it! I said that was utterly cool, so long as she didn’t begrudge me feeling differently. “I never felt anything in the slightest for Jesus,” I said, “though I went to several churches and youth groups when I was a kid and teen, trying to get what everyone else was talking about. I never did. I feel so much for the Divine in Nature and the Mother Goddess aspect over male gods, let alone the patriarchal ones from the desert, that I admit to feeling mystified that anyone has a thing for Jesus. But– I don’t need to understand it. I know you’re a good person, and if it works for you, I’m super happy for you. Something different works for me, and I hope you’re happy for me.”

She was. So we’re good. Dana’s another of my sincere Christian friends I respect and even admire. I’m glad I have friends from different spiritual places and life circumstances than myself. It means I don’t live in a fucking bubble, you know?

Meanwhile, Tess was the most animated and friendly I’ve seen since she moved in with us. It was the Tess I’ve known for years and been friends with. I KNEW she was in there somewhere, dammit! It was interesting that just adding another mutual friend brought Tess out of her shell, when I’ve felt like I was beating my head up against a brick wall to get her to relax enough to just be herself and open up a little.

Although, to be fair, Tess has been generally getting more open and chatty since our confrontation last summer. She’s been making an effort. And now that she’s broken up with Oliver, she’s acting EVEN MORE like herself. It’s just that it wasn’t until last night that I saw her really back to her old self. And, granted, being Bipolar, she automatically has several “selves” – but I mean not oddly uptight and restrained. She’s been very defensive and strange since she moved in here. It’s taken over a year for her to stop waiting for an anvil to drop from the sky!

Tess went to bed first, so Dana and I went to her guest room to talk another couple of hours. I told her that Tess was going to be given a notice, but that I wanted to give her a head’s up first. She agreed it wouldn’t be kind to blindside her.

Finally, Dana agreed that she needed to visit more often. We missed each other and she needed to have more breaks from her family. She’s taking care of 2 kids, a friendly but not smart husband, and an alcoholic father and crazy mother. Her plate is FULL. For me, her visit was very healing.

The next day, I found myself rather melancholic after she left. It felt so good to revisit a happy part of my past with friends from work. We’re all a little older and more worn out, but we still just enjoy hanging out and talking and laughing. I couldn’t help it, I missed having a home without an autistic person in it. Cat hates noise and we pissed her off talking until midnight. But it was Saturday night! And I like socializing and making some noise! At least once a month if I can help it and I’ve only had maybe 3 nights in over a year and a half living here where I did this, and every single time Cat gets angry. She’s invited, but uses the time for her to do “me time” which is fine– but her having a firm 9pm quiet time rule even on Friday and Saturday nights is not working for me. It never will. This house is BUILT for socializing!

Anyways… point being I had a great weekend, but I feel sad now. I’m peopled out and need alone time to get my energy back, but that’s not it. I just feel what’s gone more when I have a piece of it returned, maybe? I’m taking this sadness as a signal that I need to socialize and relax with people more. I need to make new local friends– but how to do that where there’s no easy public transportation? I’ve got to fix this at some point, and get back to a more balanced lifestyle.