Dear President-elect Trump:
Congratulations on not only defeating Nana Hilldawg, but surviving her. Given the body count she has piled up over the years, that’s no small feat by itself. Given how well her supporters are handling the outcome, you might want to keep the Secret Service detail on its toes. Anyhoo, I know you’re an exceedingly busy man. You’ve got America’s standing in the world to repair, Islamic terrorism to address, bad trade deals with hostile governments to untangle and mean tweets to send to Rosie O’Donnell. There’s one thing you have to do before you get bogged down in the swamp you promised to drain. Just. One. Thing:
Kill Obamacare. And by “kill,” I mean “do to Obamacare what President Barack Obama’s fellow Chicagoans have done to each other, despite living in their ‘gun-free’ zone.” It’s not as if driving a stake through the undead heart of what we called “Hillarycare” needs to be complicated. In this case, Obama himself graciously provided you with a perfect example. Prior to a cabinet meeting in January of 2014, Obama brayed “We’re not just going to be waiting for legislation… I’ve got a pen and I’ve got a phone… and I can use that pen to sign executive orders and take executive actions and administrative actions.” Six months later, Obama doubled down on the Divine Right of Presidents, crowing “Middle-class families can’t wait for Republicans in Congress to do stuff.”
We all know what a disaster Obamacare has been. Between the skyrocketing premiums, crushing deductibles and disappearance of doctors and plans, it’s no wonder even former President Bill Clinton called it “crazy.” You’re going to hear a lot of people — mostly Democrats — try to dissuade you with fear mongering about people losing their healthcare and nifty little slogans “Make America Sick Again.” Despite Obama’s predictably empty promises to the contrary, people lost doctors, plans and enough money to fund a lifetime’s worth of doctor visits. And the last time I checked, people still get sick. Some of them even die.
Obamacare forces people at gunpoint to buy something Obama has neither intention nor ability to provide. You’re a New York guy, so you already know: that’s exactly how mafia-protection rackets work. The only difference is that, instead of guys named “Vinny” and “The Bull,” Obama’s muscle is the IRS and the FBI. They’re going to tell you that repealing Obamacare without a suitable replacement will cause chaos. Obamacare already caused chaos; as anyone who got lost in the labyrinth of Healthcare.gov can attest. Besides, when organized criminals put the squeeze on good people, the proper response isn’t to leave the criminals in charge until a better idea comes along. “I understand life under the Gambinos has been difficult but, until we can convince the Genovese to take over, you’re stuck with the Dapper Don and his Dandies. I wouldn’t miss a payment if I were you.”
Obama’s crony Nancy Pelosi tried to hide it from us. Obamacare-architect Jon Gruber said we deserved to be lied to about it, since we’re so “stupid.” And Obama made alterations to it after it passed; meaning the Obamacare we have isn’t the same Obamacare he rammed down our throats. Thanks to their own machinations over the last eight years, the Democrats have virtually no way to stop a concerted effort to give Obamacare the same treatment Hillary *allegedly* gave Vince Foster. So there’s no reason to soft-shoe the big finale. To be sure, a long process of executive orders and incremental budgetary legislation would constitute an “orderly” path to repealing Obamacare. But so would shooting it in the head and pushing it off a cliff. This might be the one time in which following Obama’s precedent is actually a good idea. Bust out that pen, pick up that phone, and get to work untying Obama’s bureaucratic hangman’s noose. Bonus: if you use the same pen and phone he did, you get triple irony points.
— Ben Crystal