HOW TO FIGHT A REPTILIAN - MILITARY EXPERT EXPLAINS ALL

Ex-SAS paratrooper and martial arts expert Colin Plank has unveiled excerpts from his upcoming combat manual ‘How to Fight a Reptilian: A Citizen’s Guide’.

The 400-page handbook urges the public to prepare for bloody battle with eight-foot scaley aliens and provides step by step instructions for “knocking the f**kers out”.  

Plank’s long awaited tome covers an array of exotic fighting styles, such as Rough and Tumble, Queensbury Rules and the Jail House Rock.

The book also touches on dark tales from Plank’s infamous SAS days, like the seven minutes war in Tanzinia and that fateful nerve gas debacle that put him tragically out of action.

“It was hard to get used to being monged out flatty in that piss honking hozzy bed. Sick folk always skegging me out. Hard to crack one off. Eyes all gammy like immigrant trenchfoot”. 

“Soup was alright”

“But where was the enemy? In the prisoner bay? The cognac? The doctor’s grubby eyebrows as he shanked me up on 80 mils of comatosin and read my private mail?  Then after a lot of soul searching on the internet… I worked it out. They’re invisible”.

“Invisible and green”

Since that moment Plank has devoted his life to compiling this colourful handbook on battering space lizards, complete with painstaking illustrations from the celebrated war hero’s masterful hand.

“Jib that cocksock in the gunk flaps” writes Plank.

“Bosh him in the gizzards like a salad-munching left-wing fairy boy”

Addressing the rumours that his beloved Queen Elizabeth II may herself be a Reptilian in disguise, Plank said “Get the deep fried f**k out of my Ford Sedan you parasitic Trotsky-gobblers”.

“You killed Diana”.

Colin Plank was banned from the Groucho Club when it transpired that his “degree in awesome” was scribbled on the versa of Daily Mail scratch cards.

‘How to Fight a Reptilian: A Citizen’s Guide’ will be out before Christmas and can be bought from, as Plank puts it, “all respectable train station biro-mongers, near Andy McNab and the other super-hetero war authors, you know, behind the crisps”.