Jeff Berwick's Top Ten Travel Tips For Amerika

[Editor's Note: The following post is by TDV Editor-in-Chief, Jeff Berwick]

I have done a lot of traveling through Amerika and I think I’ve picked up a few tricks to help others, who have thus far gone sans a first-hand taste of the “Land of the Slaves.”

1. Refuse body scanners. When TSA wants you to walk through their radiation machines, tell them that many years of baseball has hurt your arms and you can’t lift them up. Somebody is going to have to feel you up and fondle you instead. Beats cancer though.

2. Don’t ask police for help. In many countries it is perfectly normal to ask police for help but in the US you will probably, best case scenario, be asked for your ID.  Worst case scenario you will be murdered. 

3. Leave your pets at home. Some people think they will bring their pet on a little sojourn out of the country, and this is problematic as it is. But when you’re bringing your pet into the US, you never know when a police officer might shoot your dog.  Beware. 

3. Carry a camera. As we are learning, police might behave when they’re being filmed. Filimg police might save your life or at least provide evidence in your favor if you ever find yourself in a court of law, not an uncommon thing in the Land of the Slaves.

4. Border control agents do not get sarcasm. While many have shown bravery in the face of customs agents in the US, many others have died in their custody. In other countries you might find a customs agent who is nice or at least bewildered by your lack of respect for their power. In the US you might tip off somebody’s ego and find yourself dead.  You wouldn’t be the first.

5. Don’t be black or brown.  They’re the most incarcerated among the most incarcerated on Planet Earth.

6. Know the laws. This law abiding woman went to a class to earn a concealed carry permit and has been known as an upstanding member of her community. Now, because she crossed the imaginary line between Philadelphia and New Jersey, she is facing three years mandatory minimum in which the judge has no say. Her mistake, according to the judge and police? She opened her mouth about the weapon at the beginning of the traffic stop, telling the police officer about her permit and the weapon. This brings us back to rule 2: don’t talk to police. Her life and the life of her children will likely be ruined because of it. 

6. Beware the meat. For the “world’s richest nation,” Amerika’s meat sure has been banned in many nations…

7. Don’t assume you can smoke cigarettes.  You might get locked in a cage. Whereas throughout the world cigarettes are a part of daily life, in the US the story is quite different. Generally speaking, assume the only place you can smoke in busy city centers is in the middle of the street. Elsewhere you might be too close to buildings and at risk of a frisking, beating or untimely death. Police are routinely arresting smokers across the country.

8. Don’t be late. Amerikans are super stressed. The last thing you want is for them to be mad at you in a pharmaceutical fit. “Island time” has to be established among friends, and it is rarer in the US than other countries. 

9. Obey traffic signs and laws. In other parts of the world traffic signs and laws are mere suggestions. In the US they are threats: “If we catch you disobeying this stop sign we will extort you, if you’re lucky.”

10. Alcohol stays indoor. In many parts of the world, walking around with a drink in your hand is customary. In the US, it will get you locked in a cage…Had two drinks in an hour? Feeling good, perfectly safe driving? Don’t. In the US the citizens let their government limit them to one drink per hour if they’re gonna drive…or they’ll lock you in a cage. 

I hope these tips help many travel through the USSA.

Have tips for travel in Amerika? Share them with other Dollar Vigilantes.