Sluts Linked to Increase in Natural Disasters and Global Warming
God is terribly disappointed in all you horny sluts. So am I. You promiscuous bitches are causing the worlds natural disasters. Have you no dignity? We all know that your wanton behaviors are destroying the moral fabric of our world – but now you are literally destroying our earth with global warming and earthquakes.
In order to combat the epic denigration of our planet, I propose that we enact swift and immediate retribution of females – through proper education. And since stoning and burning is no longer a legal option in the U.S. (even though it’s still allowed in God’s manifesto), I’m afraid we will have to battle the witches and bitches with state and federal legislation as well.
For example, I believe that we should pass a stealth bill that would make teaching the “Science of Sluts” as a known cause of earthquakes and other natural disasters – absolutely mandatory. This must be taught as a counterpoint to the supposedscience of natural disasters that is currently being taught by subversive, left wing educators at Yale University. I think it’s time stop this non-sense scientific thinking, and begin promoting “Critical thinking” and the facts of sluts in our classrooms. We also know for a fact that homosexuality causes earthquakes.
I’m sure by now you are asking yourself, “Slut, what can I do to avoid being buried under rubble?” I suggest that you take refuge in religion, and adhere to strict moral codes as prescribed by the holy manifesto of God in order to bring an end to his wrath and punishment.
You see, only God can stop those pesky continental plates from disgustingly rubbing against one another. In one swift move, He can make the “Ring of Fire” – the birthplace of most of the worlds earthquakes and volcanoes – disappear.
God and I have been conversing about his plans to purify the planet – and I suggested that he just make the earth flat again. That will solve the continental plate problem in an instant.
He agreed. However, he pointed out to me that there would still be horny bitches and homos. As of yet, I don’t have an answer for that.
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