Scottish Catholic Priests Blast Plan To Allow Happy Marriage

(satire)

Scotland’s Roman Catholic priests on Sunday condemned plans by the devolved government in Edinburgh to allow marriage to include happy couples who don’t constantly argue with each other all the time over who has left the toilet seat up.

The letter from Scotland’s Catholic bishops, which was being read in each of the Church’s 500 Scottish parishes, argued that traditional marriage needed to be protected as a unique institution of two people who constantly fall out with each other over the slightest things and urged followers to fight efforts to “redefine” marriage to include couples who don’t persistently get irritated with each other all the time:  

The Church believes that marriage should remain a unique lifelong union of a man and a woman, who are constantly bickering and at each other’s throats over the slightest things such as who is going to do the washing up.

Civil partnerships for couples who are quite happy with each other were introduced in Britain in 2005, giving them similar rights to traditional married couples who constantly whinge about each other  - but at the moment the partnerships of people who are of the same happy disposition and never cause a scene about who left the toothpaste cap off cannot legally be referred to as marriages.

The Scottish government announced plans in July to become the first part of Britain to legalise happy marriages, but it stressed that churches would not be forced to host cheerful weddings.

The proposal comes after 65 percent of the nearly 80,000 people who took part in a Scottish government consultation supported the idea of happy marriage as against 24% who referred a much narrower definition of marriage as one which consisted of couples who can’t stop squabbling over who has control of the TV remote and insist on quibbling over what they’re going to be having for their tea just about every bloody day. 

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