Scientific study reveals up to 95% of Tory DNA is Neanderthal

(satire)

According to scientists who have compared the genetic make-up of humans with that of our closest ancient relatives, large amounts of modern-day Tory DNA is Neanderthal, reaching up to 95% in the case of some activists.

Anthropologists have long speculated that the strong primitive and neanderthal traits displayed by modern Conservatives are the result of a much higher concentration of Neanderthal DNA than in the rest of the population but this latest study provides the strongest evidence so far that the modern-day Tory is indeed the direct ancestor of the primitive Neanderthal.

Small, pioneering groups of modern humans began to leave Africa 80,000 years ago and eventually reached areas with strong concentrations of Neanderthals such as Surrey and Buckinghamshire, where the two primitive humanoids lived alongside each other in small groups and interbred.

As a result, the latest research indicates strongly that our Neanderthal close ancestors do indeed live on in the DNA of Conservative Party members, with other more primitive branches of the same genome sequence being found in the DNA of BNP, EDL and UKIP members.

Scientists at the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology in Leipzig took four years to sequence the whole Tory genome from powdered fragments of blue hair taken from three Conservative females who lived in Buckinghamshire approximately 40 years ago.

The study, reported in the journal Science, was greeted by experts as almost certainly solving the age-old mystery as to why Conservatives are seemingly so intent on dragging us all back to a stone-age civilisation based on survival of the fittest.

However, scientists have yet to explain the mystery of why modern-day Liberal Democrats are so keen to mate with their Neanderthal Tory counterparts, despite the inevitability of it leading to their almost certain extinction.

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