BREAKING – Liberal Democrats pledge to increase levels of immortality in the NHS

(satire?)

DAILY MAIL EXCLUSIVE: Cancer Now Main Cause of Cancer – Labour’s shameful legacy

According to new statistics released today – under the previous Labour administration as many as 100% of cancer patients were expected to suffer from a cancer-related illness and virtually all terminally ill patients cared for by the NHS would eventually die of their illnesses.

Other figures released by the coalition government paint a grim picture of health under the Blair and Brown administrations with statistics clearly showing that life expectancy under Labour was as much as 50% shorter for middle-aged people than for children born under the coalition and increasingly diminished as people got older.

Senior Labour officials refused to comment on the damning statistics, but medical experts say the shocking fact that under Gordon Brown’s leadership nearly all hospital deaths in the UK resulted in the patient dying were proof of the party’s woeful record on management of the NHS.

The raft of shameful figures include these other shocking statistics:

• Under Labour, pensioners, retirees and the elderly were the most likely to die of old age
• Between 1997 and 2010, as many as 100% of fatal road accidents resulted in the death of at least one of the victims
• Medical experts have confirmed that during Gordon Brown’s premiership, terminally ill patients were routinely expected to die of their illnesses
• Despite strong evidence that most accidents occur in people’s homes, Labour ministers did little to reduce the number of people living in them
• Nerarly all patients admitted to hospital under New Labour were suffering from some kind of illness, disease or medical problem – in some cases life-threatening

A spokesperson for the junior partner in coalition government, the Liberal Democrats, summed up Labour’s abysmal record on health and the NHS:

Despite pouring millions of taxpayers’ money into the NHS – Labour totally failed to increase the immortality rates of patients by even a fraction of a percentage point.

That’s why if voters want to live forever, they should vote Liberal Democrat at the next election because we are the only party to have made a written pledge to increase immortality in the NHS. For those who have enough money to pay for it, obviously.

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