Unbroken News

Only 16% of the British electorate feels well-informed about Brexit, a new poll out yesterday revealed. At the same time, the BMA issued research suggesting that 2.5 million Brits drink their recommended weekly allowance of alcohol every night.

This could bring a whole new dimension to the growing sentiment, “I’m pissed off with being in the EU”.

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In the light of opinion research showing that Boris Johnson has a double-digit lead over anyone as the best man to replace David Cameron as Prime Minister, Paddy Power made him 4-1 odds on favourite to be the next Conservative leader if Mr Cameron loses the Brexit vote on June 23rd.

Having reviewed the data in an entirely level-playing field manner and taken all necessary legs-up into due consideration, the Cabinet tonight decided to instigate a poll ratings negative interest policy (PRANIP) without delay.

Overruling the objections of the UK Market Research Society as “rooted in a long-distant age”, Chancellor George Osborne said that henceforth, all voters taking any notice at all of polls would be declared non-violent extremists.

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As the world braces for International Elks’ Day tomorrow, the Elk Equality Collective United Radical Anti-Meerkat Front claims to have evidence that the UK economy could benefit to the tune of £170bn – or a 9% increase in gross domestic product – if Elk employment in the UK rose to match that of Sweden.

Sweden is the best performing country in the OECD across a number of factors, especially on the Elks in Work Index.

“You have all these Meerkats with silly Russian accents appearing in flippant commercials” said Elk film-noir art house director Svvennn Johahnnnnsonnnn, “and never once do we see Elks in commercials. This is an affront to the dignity of all those who wear antlers”.

Foreign Secretary Philip Hammond promised to look at increasing the Elk immigrant quota for the UK. UKip leader Nigel Farage called this “another spineless climbdown by the Camerlot gang”.

Earlier at The Slog: How Nihilist Impotence Ruins Pensions
Filed under: Unbroken News, Uncategorized Tagged: Booze, Boris Johnson, Brexit, Elks