EXCLUSIVE: new write-in Party set to sweep streets on road to power

MYSTERY ECCENTRIC LAUNCHES MANIFESTO

The word manifesto first appeared in Britain in 1620. It stems from the Latin word manifestum, meaning clear or conspicuous. No environs quite pervert the meaning of a word with the same clinically diametric accuracy as those inhabited by the State and its lackeys.

A column in the mainstream media this morning referred to a semi-retired Labour politician as idiosyncratic. This word comes from the Greek sunkratikos, a good translation of which would be ‘peculiar mixture’.

So referring to the Labour offering for the 2019 election as ‘an idiosyncratic manifesto’ (as another MSM hack did today) probably represents one of the great oxymorons of our time.

The hapless scrivener was of course trying to say that the manifesto was somewhat eccentric, but actually she got very close to the truth – albeit inadvertantly. For Il Manifesto alla Labori Momentum does indeed involve both a peculiar mixture of contradictory irrelevance, and some very conspicuous expenditure.

That said, in my own humble opinion it doesn’t go anywhere near far enough (an odd contradiction in itself) to meet the needs of attracting votes from the following niches:

• Green alarmists
• Pubertal voters
• Feminists
• Communists
• LGBTQs
• Europhiles
• Narcissists
• Persons of colour
• Islamists
• Pessimists, Opthamologists, Semifinalists, ventriloquists and tobacconists.

And so tonight my friends, babies, pets, wildlife, lovely red robins, sweet deer that write off cars and any being that ever got into a Christmas carol gathering winter fuu-uuu-elle or minding sheep, I am ditching previous promises to die in a ditch before ever launching a political Party by launching an irresistibly centrist political Party.

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Yes, there are times when we must change our minds, gird our loins, roll up our sleeves and pull up our socks in pursuit of a Greater Good. Such could never, ever be as holy as Greta Thunberg, but the Nation has called me and so – against my better judgement – I am throwing my bisexual hat into a ring of fire only rarely seen beyond the best Birmingham Balti houses.

Believe me bro’ ah is like well pumped up an’ shit.

Tonight sees the emergence of a new force in British politics….offering surreal change for the rainbow coalition of ideological certitude, real power at last for those who should be certified, and all power to the elbows of those unsung alchemists who turn worthless paper into inestimably valuable assets so fantastical they are worth thirty times more than global gdp……

To become a candidate, simply borrow five hundred quid, stick a light bulb on your head….et voila, it’s gonna byea Lighty Landslide in Blighty!