Getting Real: Sexual Orientation Fantasy, a Climate Emergency Without a Patient, and Why Onanism Is the New Black

 In this, the second of a new themed series of posts, The Slog examines more thoughts from the Thoughtless Tendency.

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Lynsey McCarthy-Calvert, 45, has been forced to stand down as spokesperson for Doula UK, after a Facebook follower accused her of using ‘absolutely disgusting language’, adding: ‘Also, you seem to be forgetting that not only women birth children.’

This was Lynsey’s disgusting outburst….which followed some nonsense from Cancer Research UK about its smear tests being available for “everyone with a cervix”:

‘I am not a “cervix owner” . . . I am a woman: an adult human female.’ She added: ‘Women birth all the people, make up half the population.’

Doula should rename itself Doulally.

An innocent person has lost her job as a useful practititioner in the medical help sector, for pointing out reality. The person guilty of causing that job-loss as a result of her mad assertion of unreality got off scott-free, and has not as yet (so far as I know) been forcibly offered a straitjacket for Christmas.

The likes of Owen Jones and bonkers trannies are fully implicated in such beliefs. I do not call it denialism, because it is far more serious than that: this is the refusal of an ideologue and other sexual orientation activists to accept a human anatomical fact: men cannot have babies or periods.

We need a bit of crowd-funding here: to sue Doula UK for wrongful dismissal, and name the Facebook Fluffy involved as an accessory.

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Leonardo DiCaprio has become the latest banal celebrity to publish a picture of himself with Greta Thunberg. Leo hails her as a “leader of our time”.

This coming January, Greta Thunberg will be all of 17 years old. I am 71 years old. I listen to what she says about ‘Climate Change’ and find it generally puerile, narrow, often demonstrably wrong, far too CO2centric, and above all simplistic.

Her black stares and inability to cope with any left-field questions suggest not just a muddled pubescent girl, but also a person way too far up the Aspergers scale to be taken seriously on such a complex and agendered topic.

She is of the age group to whom Jeremy Corbyn would give the vote. It bears thinking about, given that the issues facing the British electorate are also very complex….albeit not as terrifyingly complicated as the factors acting upon our planet’s weather and climate.

But many others from Ed Miliband to George Soros have lauded the ridiculous idea that  a Swedish teenager gets the climate topic as if she might be some kind of savant.

I spent much of yesterday evening going through a dozen online videos of Miss Thunberg pontificating on various aspects of “climate charge”. Not once did she introduce a shred of evidence to support her Extinction Rebellion-style claims. Not once did she mention water conservation – by far the most important problem we face, given our continuing tendency to reproduce without thought for the consequences.

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In a new beginning for job creation, Nadia Bokody labels herself a “sex influencer”, which is apparently a sort of trend-spotting opinion leader when it comes to innovative use of the Naughty Bits. What the tabloids would call ‘a sexpert’. Says Nadia:

“I take masturbation breaks at work instead of coffee breaks. When other colleagues are busy self-indulgently puffing on their cinnamon vapes and making trips to Starbucks to wait in line for 10 minutes for their pumpkin lattes, I’m rubbing one out.”

The Pumpkin latte experience has obviously passed me by.

But seizing upon Nadia’s “fidings” as an opportunity to sell more of their wares, the Ann Summers chain of sex-shops felt that if Ms Bokody is rubbing one out on a daily basis, this must be the Next Big Thing in sex. Straining every sinew of creativity, the store group calls this new trend “Self Love”.

Those who remember Private Eye’s wonderful Pseud’s Corner column from the days before Ian Fizzpop ruined Lord Gnome’s organ will love this next quote from senior Ann Summers manager Laura Whittaker:

“Our Party Ambassadors are perfectly positioned to give us up to date information on what UK women are really talking about – so when they talk, we listen! We think self-love will come out on top because it’s so accessible and can take so many forms. Masturbation obviously doesn’t require a partner and can be taken to new heights by incorporating a whole host of products – it’s the perfect sex trend for everyone to enjoy! We believe this prediction sends a really positive message about women embracing their sexuality and getting what they want in the bedroom by taking control of it for themselves. It also shows that we’re breaking down some age-old taboos….”

At the risk of sounding like a distant echo of David Cameron, let’s be very clear here: this is a company whose biggest selling line is a dildo. The company is, let’s face it, in the flying solo aka wanking sector of the sex industry. Without in any way wishing to seem prurient, I would simply make the following points:

It’s the perfect sex trend for everyone to enjoy. Heterosexual men don’t use dildos, Laura. Very sad men use blow-up extra-sensitol naked plastic dolls complete with Durex ‘intimate lubrication’ for enhanced satisfaction.

A really positive message about women embracing their sexuality. I cannot see anything socio-sexually positive about the female of the species preferring a vibrator to an experienced male lover purely because she hasn’t the wit (or balls) to tell the fuckwit-brained lover (whom she alone mistakenly chose) what she wants. On the whole, it feels to me like another example of selfish satisfaction retreating further and further in on itself as part of a culture increasingly indulging in shallow narcissism.

We think self-love will come out on top because it’s so accessible and can take so many forms. Urrrrrrrrghaaaaaahooouuuuweeah. That’s better. Look, I have a hand and a dick! Look, I have a finger and a clitoris! All so accessible! And in so many forms….Plugholes, test tubes, jello, nitrates, rope, animals. I can do all of it in front of the mirror! With the video camera running!

Ann Summers’ long press release did not at any point use the word love without the self prefix. The stupidity level of this media item is hilarious; but the nakedly commercial nature of the self-assigned IABATO* is a tragic symptom of a culture in crisis.

I had two completely wild ring-necked doves who nested, raised young and never strayed from my house here in the open countryside for over twelve years. The female must have stopped ovulating at least five years ago, but her mate remained by her side. They preened each other daily, sat side by side on the telephone wire, and to the best of my knowledge, never shopped at Ann Summers. (Although they did give off the uncanny air of OAPs who went to Southport for their holidays).

The male died three years ago. The female remains constant: she aggressively repels any other dove who tries to mount her.

The avian species Streptopelia capicola has developed a social system in which there are no unwanted children, no unhappy marriages, and no expensive divorces. Look down upon them at your peril: such a cultural objective is impossible for Homo sapiens, because we think (a) too much (b) without regard for the consequences, and (c) have this flawed idea that we can be perfected.

I wouldn’t want a brain the size of that sported by the ring-necked dove. But I do envy them their compassionate contentment.

* IABATO – It’s All Bollocks And That’s Official.