So If It Isn't the Zombie Apocalypse, What Exactly Is Going On?

Admittedly, I’m taking this zombie apocalypse thing as far as it will go (I even made it the focus of my Going Concern column this morning). After all, I hate movies but have still watched Dawn of the Dead (original and remake) a good 20 times and have pretty much been holding out hope for a true outbreak my entire life. I’ve always known humanity is doomed but the events of the last month or so have convinced me that something is not right.

I realize it is not the zombie apocalypse and that is impossible (I am somewhat logical, believe it or not) so what is it? Solar flares? Bath salts? Collective hysteria? Has the Internet only exacerbated the problem by making this information always accessible? Perhaps people were eating each other when I was a kid (hey, Jeffrey Dahmer did it practically in my backyard) but we just didn’t know it because there was no Twitter, no #ZombieApocalypse hashtag, no Facebook to share each gruesome story. It’s really hard to say. Whatever it is, something has gone terribly, terribly awry.

I have seen a lot of misinformation floating around out there so in the interest of getting the headlines right, let’s look at some cases from around the country, starting with the oldest first. Remember, dates are important. I did my best to nail them down by the day, give or take, but note the events that took place 2008 – 2010 that are mistakenly being trotted out as if they just happened to tie into this zombie hysteria. For the sake of this post, I stuck to American events only. There have also been recent disturbing events in Australia, Sweden and China that I will not include simply because I don’t know their cultures enough to know if this kind of shit is cool.

January 5, 2008 Tyler, TX
25-year-old Christopher Lee McCuin claimed God told him to kill, cook
and eat his 21-year old girlfriend. Investigators found her body with
chunks of flesh cut out, one ear boiling in a pot of water on
the stove, with a plate of human flesh and a fork stuck into it lying
on the
kitchen table. McCuin was found dead in his jail cell in December of
2008.

July 27, 2009 San Antonio, TX A mother is charged with murdering her 3 1/2 week old son using a knife and two swords to dismember the child. She ate parts of his body, including his brain, tore off his face and chewed off three of his toes before stabbing herself in the torso and slicing her own throat. This story has been popping up all over the place lately but is OLD. The mother, Otty Sanchez, was found not guilty by reason of insanity. It is believed she suffered from an extreme case of postpartum psychosis. Sanchez had a history of paranoid schizophrenia and had discontinued her medication during pregnancy due to potential damage to her fetus. Well, we see how that worked out.

June 1, 2010 Klamath, CA MMA fighter Jarrod Wyatt is charged with murdering his sparring partner, Taylor
Powell, after he allegedly removed his friend’s heart, tongue and most
of his face. According to reports, police claimed the 26-year-old
mixed martial arts fighter was under the influence of psychedelic drugs
when he allegedly drilled an 18-inch hole into the victim’s chest. Wyatt was convinced the world was about to end and that his sparring partner was the Devil. “Satan was in that dude,” Wyatt allegedly told Del Norte County Police Sgt. Elwood Lee, who responded to the scene.

July 18, 2011 Los Angeles, CA A homeless woman attempts to snatch a 4-month-old baby boy from his stroller, slams him into a pole and tries to break off his arm. In an interview with detectives, 36-year-old Natasha Hubbard confirmed she tried to break the baby’s arm off in order to eat it.
 
January 25, 2012 Lynn Haven, FL Tyree Lincoln Smith is arrested for beating a Connecticut man to death and eating his eyeball and part of his brain in a cemetery. Smith apparently confessed his crime to his cousin and claimed the victim’s eyeball tasted like oyster and that his brain tasted like – wait for it – lady juice. Yeah, y’all know what I mean by that. I’ve never had brain so I can’t confirm if it does, in fact, taste like lady juice.

March 28, 2012 Phoenix, AZ A woman walking in the food aisle of a Phoenix Target is approached by an unknown man who walked up to her, dropped to the floor and started biting her foot.

April 6, 2012 Shrewsbury, MA 79-year-old Jieming Liu is arraigned a day after his wife, Yuee Zhou, 73, was found
dead in their home. Investigators said the couple’s son went to visit his parents at
their condominium Thursday afternoon and found his mother on a bedroom
floor,  soaked in blood.  Her left arm was severed below the elbow. In court Friday, prosecutors said the flesh was missing from her left forearm and her husband had been eating it.

April 17, 2012 West Miami, FL 21-year-old George Saldago died hours after being taken into
custody after a 911 caller said Saldago, unclothed and acting wildly,
had tried to bite him and rip off his clothes. A lawyer for the family said Saldago had taken LSD and was disconnected from reality when he stripped down and flipped out. Sorry but, uh, LSD doesn’t do that to you. Nice try though, bro.

April 20, 2012 Washington, DC A cat adopted from the Washington Humane Society bites the crap out of financial blogger Jr Deputy Accountant’s foot for no apparent reason… oh wait. Yeah, that really happened but my cat is an asshole, not a zombie.

Now, let’s get to May of this year. This is when the shit gets crazy.

May 5, 2012 Bartlesville, OK 29-year-old Michael Williams Brent ends up in jail for biting and kicking a police officer after after being arrested for possession of drugs and driving
under the influence.

May 21, 2012 La Grange, IL 18-year-old Lloyd Cortez was arrested after he allegedly grabbed an
18-year-old woman by the throat, bit her cheek and twisted her right arm
while threatening to kill her if she called the police on Sunday,
police said.

May 25, 2012 Annapolis, MD A woman walking alone in Annapolis at 2:30am is approached by a group of unknown women out of nowhere. The women began punching, kicking and biting the woman. Police categorized the attack as “unusual.”

May 26, 2012 Miami, FL Crazed face-eater Rudy Eugene goes viral. I don’t need to recap this story, everyone should know it.

May 26, 2012 Orlando, FL 41-year-old anesthesiologist Dr. Zachary Bird  is facing felony battery charges after he
allegedly banged his head repeatedly against the inside of a patrol car
until he bled and and then spat blood into a sergeant’s face when he was
pulled over on suspicion of drunken driving, according to the Florida Highway Patrol. Bird had $40,000 in his pockets at the time with another $14,000 in his vehicle, a .44-caliber revolver and a .45-caliber semiautomatic, a bottle of pills and a vial of liquid in his BMW. It is still unknown what the liquid was. Bird became clearly upset and repeatedly banged his head against the patrol car Plexiglass, kicking and screaming in the back of the cop car. The video taken inside the car is chilling to say the least.

May 26, 2012 Golden Township, MI 28-year-old Bartolo Larios-Rivera gets into a fight with his roommate, strikes him in the
left cheek with a kitchen knife and then bites in the upper left arm.
Oceana Lt. Craig Mast said the bite was a “severe bite.”

May 27, 2012 Hackensack, NJ 43-year-old Wayne Carter barricaded himself in his Hackensack, New Jersey room on Sunday, May 27 when witnesses called police to report he had a knife and was threatening to harm himself. Harm himself he did. When officers showed up at his home, Carter ignored their requests to put down the knife and started stabbing himself. Pepper spraying him had no effect and the man proceeded to disembowel himself before police, flinging intestines and bits of skin at them. Officers were presumably so bugged out that they called the SWAT team in and Carter is still in critical condition but alive.

May 27, 2012 Columbus, GA A 34-year-old self-employed contractor Christopher Newman get into a fight with two Lowe’s employees, threatening to cut them with a knife and biting them both so hard on the arm as to draw blood.

May 28, 2012 Madison, WI 29-year-old Delarence Moore was charged with two counts
of battery to a police officer, two counts of resisting, attempted
battery to a police officer and disorderly conduct after biting two police officers attempting to get him under control. “Officers
attempted to calm down and get Moore under control but he refused to
listen,” said Lt. Sherrie Strand in the release. ”Two officers were bit
by Mr Moore before he was taken into custody.”

May 29, 2012 San Diego, CA Two drunken cousins get into an argument, one bites the other’s nose off.

May 29, 2012 Palm Coast, FL 28-year-old Angel Vega Roman is arrested for cruelty to animals after he allegedly choked a kitten a bit the lips off another kitten, burning its ear and whiskers with a lighter. As a crazy cat lady, I want to beat the shit out of this guy personally, zombie or not. This guy is probably just a random psycho but I’m including him because he’s a dick and if you ever see him on the street, you need to kick him in the balls for me.

May 30, 2012 Staten Island, NY 52-year-old Thomas Tomasello pulled a Mike Tyson and took a bite out of a fellow pizza shop patron’s ear over a stupid argument that involved a chick and a teevee inside a pizza parlor.

May 31, 2012 Joppa, MD 21-year-old Maryland brain-eater Alexander Kinyua reveals he chopped up his roommate and ate part of his brain and heart. Kinyua’s Facebook page reveals he was attempting to reach a higher spiritual plane. Maybe he got there and we’re the crazies.

Did I get them all? Christ I hope so.

Now… since we know zombies don’t exist, what in the name of sweet baby Jesus is happening here? I am a firm believer in the idea that humanity is rocketing toward a new level of consciousness (as opposed to the “world ending” scenario some misinformed 2012 theorists cling to) but I certainly did not see this as the inevitable result of such a jolt to human consciousness.

Have we lost our minds? Is there something greater at work here we’re missing? Is it just one big weird coincidence? Whatever it is, it’s creepy. Not creepy enough to warrant getting freaked out over things that happened 3 years ago but still, creepy.

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