BREAKING: Woman Outraged By Turtles Doing It at National Aquarium in Baltimore

After two wonderful years of living in Washington, DC, I’ve decided to pack up and head south to Richmond, VA where the weather is a notch milder, the rents way cheaper, the politicos more in line with my conservative views and the traffic much MUCH easier. Take note, Richmond Fed, we’re about to be neighbors. I know you must be about as excited as I am.

Anyway, it goes without saying that I’m trying my best to absorb the best my current stomping grounds have to offer so I made a quick trip up 95 to the National Aquarium in Baltimore to see what all the fuss is about. Was it worth a $30 ticket? Maybe not but hey, just doing my part to support the local economy and important stuff like nature and whatever.

While cruising through the exhibits, we came across this pair of turtles getting it on as shown in the photo above. While the living reefs and shark exhibits were great and all, you can imagine how enthralled the adults were who passed by and noticed what was going on in the tank. That’s when I heard “WHAT?! How can they DO that?! There are CHILDREN WATCHING!!” from one woman who watched in horror as the turtles slowly but surely boned it out among the little Nemos blissfully swimming around and children scampering past the tank completely unaware that anyone in the tank was doing anything dirty at all.

Let’s stop and think about that for a minute… this woman was outraged that wild turtles stuck into a tiny ass fake habitat in a large, well-maintained aquarium that exists solely for the entertainment of human beings would have the gall to fuck each other in front of the children. Nevermind that sex is completely natural to everyone but uptight Americans and, uh, pretty much how most species have managed to keep their genes going for however many hundreds of thousands or even millions of years.

Let’s not even address the fact that children are A) created by sex and B) going to have to learn about it eventually. Isn’t it better to see turtles doing it than their own parents? I’d sure say so but maybe I am a progressive parent.

What should the aquarium do, break it up? Burn off all animals’ naughty parts so they can’t be disgusting in front of the poor children? Come on, it’s bad enough they’ve got to be stuck in a tank for the rest of their lives, the least we can do is let them have a little fun.

People disappoint me. Turtles, on the other hand, kick ass, apparently. Go turtles!!