Republicans Up In Arms Over Latest Mass Shooting

In the wake of the latest tragic mass shooting at Umpqua Community College in Oregon last thursday, House Republicans acted swiftly in proposing HR 264728 –B a bill that proposes to ban all belts on airplanes.

Said Republican Congressman J.R. “Buddy” Mudd of Georgia interviewed on Fox News; “Our research has shown that belts is responsible for far too many deaths.” The Congressman further added “Shoot, you could be sitting there readin’ a magazine or playin’ a game on your device and someone in the seat behind you could reach over and loop a belt around your neck and well…there you are, ain’t you?”

At his press conference later in the afternoon, Republican Congressman John Calvary of Alabama added; “I myself suspect that a belt, while harmless looking, could certainly also be used to hang someone in the planes’ restroom. Or, it could be used to whip someone to death inside the airport – couldn’t it?” He then proposed an amendment to the bill banning wearing or carrying belts in airports, supermarkets, ballparks, public buildings, parks and movie theaters. Adding; “this will show that we are serious about this terrible problem.”

When reporters mentioned that in the last three years there have been nine-hundred and ninety-two mass shootings in America, and that there were three hundred and eighty deaths so far in this year alone and all of them involved shooters using guns, Congressman Mudd replied; “But every one of them there shooters were wearing belts – need I say more?”

On Monday, Republican Congresswoman Barbie Hindenberger of Kansas then proposed stringent background checks for anyone over nine years of age who tries to purchase a belt saying; “I have looked long and hard into this horrible tragedy in Oompahpah Communion U. and after a thorough investigation I have concluded that had the shooter been without a belt he would have had to hold his pants up. This alone would have seriously impaired his ability to aim straight. Again, we see here that it’s not the gun that is responsible for this incident but the belt.”

Presidential Candidate Jeb Bush said; “stuff happens.”

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