Macaroni & Cheese Marketed as Cure for Global Warming

Life on Earth is not doomed after all. General Mills is marketing a brand of macaroni & cheese that can save the planet from global warming:

On a box of macaroni and cheese that will launch this month, the name of the farmer who grew the wheat used to make the pasta–Nate Powell-Palm, who has a farm outside Bozeman, Montana–is printed on the front. The manufacturer, Annie’s, Inc., wanted to highlight the fact that Powell-Palm is using regenerative farming practices, a series of steps that go farther than what’s required for an organic label–and that could help fight climate change by sequestering carbon in the soil.

In our world, carbon dioxide makes plants grow. But in the alternate reality inhabited by people who believe in liberal ideology, CO2 makes it be too warm outside. Fortunately, they can stabilize the climate with macaroni & cheese.

The brand, which was purchased by General Mills in 2014, is already known for using organic ingredients. But it wanted to go further: Regeneratively farmed ingredients are farmed with a more holistic set of practices that can promote soil health, increase biodiversity, and pull carbon from the air.

Apparently, the words “organic” and “sustainable” were no longer separating fools from their money. Now we have “regenerative.”

This helps explain what the new buzzword means, to the extent it means anything:

Powell-Palm rotates his wheat crop with golden peas, which are also used to make the flour for the pasta, boosting the protein content. A diversity of crops makes the soil healthier than just growing wheat; wheat takes nitrogen from the soil, and peas help replenish it. Livestock also graze in the field on rotation, adding more nutrients to the soil with manure. The farm also uses cover crops rather than letting the soil sit bare after harvest, so the roots of the plants help hold carbon in the soil.

If you don’t like mac & cheese, you can save the planet by purchasing other products:

Patagonia’s food brand, Patagonia Provisions, launched a beer made with Kernza, a grain that helps sequester carbon with its unusually long roots. Cascadian Farm, another General Mills brand, also wants to incorporate Kernza into cereals and snacks. The North Face launched a “climate beneficial” beanie made from wool that came from sheep on a ranch that uses regenerative grazing principles.

In the case that voluntary efforts fail to hold temperatures in place, government coercion may be required. All citizens will be required to wear a climate beneficial beanie, perhaps with a propeller on top to regeneratively generate energy from the wind.

On a tip from Bodhisattva.