The Friday Before the Fourth of July: Let’s Shut Everything Down Again!

Could things possibly get any more transparent? A June jobs report that indicates 5 million new jobs were created. Well technically that’s 5 million jobs that were hijacked and held hostage by Cootie Panic were just released. Trump’s economy is attempting to come back with a vengeance. Can’t have that in an election year so time to re-trigger the panic button:

Surge! Surge! Ten  thousand new cases – in a day! A DAY! – in Florida. Alert! Alert! Stop the great recovery reopening of America!!!! NOW!

We are to ignore the fact that this virus was NEVER going to abate until it had run its course (mutating to something either more or less lethal and/or the population developing herd immunity). We are to ignore that with the increase in non-fatal cases the death rate, which was most likely greatly overstated anyway is declining. We are to ignore the fact that this was and continues to be a media induced panic based on what turns out to be baseless predictions by “experts.”

So cue the handwringers and the government dictats: we’re going to shut this economy down if it’s the last thing we ever do. So when a bunch of (otherwise) responsible Millennials and Gen Z’s hooked up at a bar in East Lansing and created a cluster of 185 COVID infections that was the only excuse GG needed to rollback the rollback that had only begun a few weeks ago. You’ve had enough fun, time for last call; we’re closing the bars…again. Somebody wrote a new Executive Order for her Majesty to sign and just like that every bar in lower Michigan (with the exception of those in touristy-rich areas of Petoskey, Harbor Springs, Traverse City – where GG’s summer home is located) was again ordered to stop serving customers – inside. Oh yeah, they can still serve beverages outside, assuming it doesn’t rain. And customers don’t get heat stroke in the 90+ degree temps we’ve enjoyed all this week and are forecast through next week as well.

Here are some of the nuances of Executive Order 2020-143 (COVID-19) (July 1, 2020):

• Establishments that earn more than 70% of their gross receipts from sales of alcoholic beverages must close for inside service.

That brewski can be had for just $1, but you have to order chips with it. Which now cost $9.

• They may continue to serve beverages outside; customers are allowed into the establishment only to use the facilities but must wear a face mask while inside.

How to safely approach the rest rooms

• You’re not allowed to order a drink at the bar, unless you are seated at the bar, even if the bar is outdoors.

Better yet: bring your own table

• Access to common areas in which people can congregate, dance, or otherwise mingle is prohibited. Visions of Footloose and the 6 degrees of separation a la Kevin Bacon come to mind.

• You can order an alcohol beverage to go (there’s a great Idea, let’s all get a roadie!) but you MUST be seated while ordering said beverage.

I’ll take a dozen Martinis to go please

And most importantly:

• This order does not apply in Regions 6 and 8 (the chi-chi Great White North tourist meccas in Northern Michigan, described above)

Good luck with stopping this coronavirus – something that’s never been done in the entire history of mankind. I say let the bar owners make a living. Especially given that the college kids, our country’s future, are holding COVID parties anyway. See there? Just when you were beginning to wonder if a college education was worth the cost, the kids answer for you. At least they’re making as much sense as any of the experts.

Extra credit assignment:

Check out the author of the The’Gander article about the Harper’s Bar COVID cluster and tell me: Katelyn Kivel, natural born woman or what?

I honestly don’t know or care. I’m just passing on what my lyin’ eyes see.