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The 14 Weirdest Moments In the Bible

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BuzzFeed Staff, UK

1. You asked for 100 foreskins? Here are 200, hope that’s OK.

David wants to marry Saul’s daughter Michal. Saul doesn’t want David to marry his daughter, so he demands as a bride price 100 foreskins of his enemies the Philistines, hoping that David will get killed fighting them. But instead, David goes and kills 200 Philistines, cuts off their foreskins, presents them to Saul, and marries Michal.

From 1 Samuel 18:25-27.

2. You call me bald, I will have you killed by a bear.

Some children mock a bald man. He curses them, and two female bears come out of the woods, killing 42 of them. He continues on his journey. No one seems to think this is disproportionate.

From 2 Kings 2:23-24.

3. Noah gets hammered and behaves weirdly.

In which Noah gets extremely drunk on wine from his vineyard and passes out naked outside his tent. One of his sons sees him and tells his brothers, who drag him into the tent and cover him up. Noah then exiles his grandson, who hasn’t been mentioned so far, apparently for no reason whatsoever.

From Genesis 9:20-28.

4. God says he doesn’t want any sacrifices from people with damaged testicles.

God tells Moses that he is very particular about who can offer food at his temples. No one with a “defect” is allowed. That is, “no man who is blind or lame, disfigured or deformed; no man with a crippled foot or hand, or who is a hunchback or a dwarf, or who has any eye defect, or who has festering or running sores, or damaged testicles”.

From Leviticus 21:17-24.

5. Take that, fatty.

Ehud, an assassin, stabs a king called Eglon. Eglon is extremely fat, so the whole sword, up to the handle, is lost within his rolls of flab. Eglon then shits himself and dies, and Ehud leaves without his sword.

From Judges 3:12-23.

6. Lie down on your side for one year, and eat bread baked with human poo!

God tells Ezekiel that in memorial of the siege of Jerusalem, he needs to build a model of the city. Then he needs to lie down on his left side for 390 days, then his right side for 40 days. During this time he is only allowed to eat bread which he has baked over a fire of human shit.

Ezekiel protests at this last bit, so God lets him use cow shit instead.

From Ezekiel 1:1-16.

7. Abram pretends his wife is his sister, so Egypt gets punished with the plague.

Abram’s wife Sarai is seriously good-looking, so Abram is worried that the Egyptians will kill him to steal her. He asks her to pretend that she’s his sister instead.

The Egyptians do indeed think she’s very good-looking, so they tell the Pharaoh, who gives Abram “sheep and cattle, male and female donkeys, male and female servants, and camels”, and takes Sarai into his household. But this annoys God, who punishes the Pharaoh’s family with “serious diseases”.

From Genesis 12:10-20.

8. God decides not to kill Moses after seeing some foreskin blood on his feet.

Moses is walking back to Egypt after spending some time in Midian. God decides to kill him. But Moses’s wife takes a flint knife, chops off their son’s foreskin, and dabs the blood on to Moses’s feet, saying, “Surely you are a bridegroom of blood to me!” God changes his mind.

From Exodus 4.24-26.

9. No, don’t rape those guys, rape my daughters instead.

Two angels visit a guy called Lot in the town of Sodom. Every single man living in Sodom turns up on Lot’s doorstep demanding to be allowed to rape the two angels. Lot asks the men if they would rather rape his two young daughters instead.

The crowd say they would not, so God strikes them all blind and tells Lot and his family to get out of the town without looking back because he is going to destroy it. Lot’s wife disobeys the instruction and looks back, so, for reasons that are not adequately explored, God turns her into a pillar of salt.

From Genesis 19:1-26.

10. Fancy a drink, Dad?

Lot and two daughters have fled Sodom, and are hiding in a cave. His daughters worry that there aren’t any men around. So they take it in turns to get their father drunk and have sex with him. They both get pregnant, and their sons each start great dynasties.

From Genesis 19:30-38.

11. In which Jesus reminds us of the real enemy – the trees.

Jesus is hungry one day. He goes to grab a fig off a tree. The tree has no fruit, only leaves, so Jesus loses his rag and curses it. “May you never bear fruit again,” he says. The tree dies. His followers look surprised, so Jesus tells them that that’s nothing and he could totally make a mountain jump in the sea if he wanted to.

From Matthew 21:18-21.

12. I am the Lord your God, and if I want to make donkeys talk I bloody well will.

A man called Balaam beats his donkey for stopping. God gives the donkey the power of speech, and the donkey complains about being beaten. Balaam is apparently unfazed by the talking donkey and threatens to kill it. Then an angel comes along and tells him that actually the donkey is doing God’s work.

From Numbers 22.28-29.

13. Pay the tax with magic fish!

Jesus and his disciples are asked to pay some tax. Jesus says that they’re exempt, but out of politeness, he agrees to magically make a four-drachma coin appear in a fish’s mouth so that his apostle Peter can pay with that.

From Matthew 17:24-26.

14. God gets beaten up by a guy with a dislocated hip.

Jacob is moving house. His wife and 11 sons have gone ahead of him. Suddenly, without any explanation, he’s wrestling with a man. The fight goes on all night. The man knows he’s losing, so he somehow magically wrenches Jacob’s hip out of place. Jacob says he won’t let go until the man blesses him, so the man does that, and then admits that, in fact, he’s God. “Therefore to this day,” says the Bible, “the Israelites do not eat the tendon attached to the socket of the hip, because the socket of Jacob’s hip was touched near the tendon.”

From Genesis 32:22-31.

SUBMITTED BY JEFFREY DAUGHERTY (www.jeffreydaugherty.com) THE CHRISTIAN WHISTLEBLOWER



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    • Pharisees.org

      Evil Daugherty, he gets a lift up from Catholic George Noory of alt media giant GENESIS COMMUNICATIONS a freaking CIA/Vatican operation. CIA is of the Vatican/Knights Templar. Just the clowns at GCN riding the anti-Paul movement bringing dog Daugherty in to persuade ALL who would go against Paul TO GO AGAINST THE SON OF GOD TOO, as Daughtery trashes the Son of God.

      Daughtery the evil clown wants people to become adherents to Kabbalism.

      Notice the clown Daugherty does not put up one quote to MOCK PAUL, as he tries to mock God,

      1. WITH MY SPIIRT IN YOUR PRESENCE AND WITH JESUS CHRIST I COMMAND YOU TURN THAT MAN OVER TO SATAN FOR SATAN TO DESTROY HIS FLESH SO THAT HIS SPIRIT MIGHT BE SAVED (1 Cor. 5:1-5).

      Satan is the go to entity for the Christians to kill one of their own, for their master Pig Paul deemed the man committed a sin worthy of death. What evil does Paul commit, why is he not put to death?:

      Romans 7:19 I do not know how to do good. I AM A PRACTITIONER OF EVIL

      2. We Christians have an altar that forbids people who serve God’s Temple (Hebrews 13:10)

      Freak of Hell Pig Paul says NO TEMPLE SERVANTS ALLOWED at God’s altar, yet promises Jew and Gentile have been made one man, with Jesus having torn down the wall of partition between them (Ephesians 2:14).

      3. I HAVE THE MIND OF GOD (1 Cor. 2:16).

      Pig Paul has the mind of God, really Christians? Allegedly possessing the mind of God yet he does not know how to do good, he practices evil.

      4. I AM CAPTIVE TO THE LAW OF SIN. IT AIN’T ME DOING MY EVIL DEEDS, THAT IS SIN IN MY FLESH THAT DOES MY EVIL DEEDS (Romans 7:23, 7:17).

      Really Christians, you have a thinking entity in your flesh that decides it wants to be a bad boy and your mind and spirit recoil in horror as your body is taken over to commit evil deeds contrary to the will of your mind? Christian doctrine is sinister, absolutely evil – and no wonder, it is doctrine of MEN OF SATAN PHARISEES who set upon Gentiles with a false christ doctrine, an altar and a Eucharist and the moron Gentiles eat it up to this day and pour their money and time into it:

      Matthew 7:22-23 MANY shall say to me in that day, but Lord Lord, we did many wonderful works in your name … And I will tell them, I never knew you. Depart from me, workers of lawlessness

      AND YOU IDIOT GENTILE CHRISTIANS do not see your master says HE PERFECTLY KEPT ALL OF GOD’S LAW IN HIS DEEDS – blind followers of blind Pharisees!

      Philippians 3:4-6 … as touching the law, I am a Pharisee. As touching the righteousness that is the law, BLAMELESS

      But I give up keeping all of God’s law in my deeds in order to serve the Son of God – got to be kidding freaking dope Christians. Christianity will be wiped off the earth, and so too every offensive thing to the Lord, and all evil people (Matthew 13:41).

      NO MORE LAW OF GOD, GRACE, GRACE, NO MORE LAW. Okay Christians, what is this then: OBEY MOSES COMMAND NOT TO MUZZLE AN OX WHEN IT IS THRESHING THE GRAIN.

      All of God’s law is trashed by Pig Paul EXCEPT for one command of Moses, which the Pharisee says is really a command for Gentiles to pay money to the Pharisee false apostles – MONEY, give us money. Idiot Gentiles, they fund their own slavery in Christendom:

      1 Cor. 9:9-10 YOU THINK GOD CARES ABOUT OXEN, that command of Moses was written for us. NOW PAY YOUR CHURCH RULERS WELL

      MONEY MONEY MONEY – Genesis 49:1, 49:27 … in the last days … Benjamin is as a wolf who devours his prey and divides the spoils

      PHARISEE PAUL IS FROM THE TRIBE OF BENJAMIN, HE TAUGHT THE GENTILES TO TURN OVER ALL THEIR MONEY! “The SPOILS” is MONEY!

      Pig Paul Pharisee, the men of Satan full of excess and extortion – BENJAMIN the WOLF devours his prey – Christendom is a DEVOURING for the purpose of STEALING WEALTH

      That is what the Jews of Satan have been doing since they founded altars for Gentiles (Hebrews 13:10).

    • Bill Lyle

      That was pretty funny, Jeffrey. Well done. :grin:

      Pharisees: Grow a sense of humor (you may be able to buy one at Target). It’s funny, how you can take an article, and manage to turn it into an anti-Catholic rant. We get it. Paul is the Devil. You sound like the Waterboy’s mom.

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