On Tenderhooks...

My gawd–!

I have been feeling so awful and nervous today. Even on medication I feel like a cat in a room full of rocking chairs! It seems as if the sky is going to fall any second and some anvil will land on my head.

The squabble between Cat and I didn’t help matters last night. Tonight, she’s oddly extra quiet which actually freaks me out MORE, because she’s never that quiet. I mean, I don’t want her to just disappear or anything! I’m home alone all day and checking in with each other is a part of what makes us both normally feel okay about life and able to fall asleep, ready to face the next day. I was just complaining last night because her moods throw me sometimes and I don’t seem to have my normal patience to brush such things off.

I feel like I’m supposed to be doing something and forgetting what it is. Which makes me feel very oddly disconnected in some ways.

I’ve been desperately searching for distractions and find that I’m just effing twitchy. What the hell is wrong with me?!?! I can tell that right now I’m feeling fragile enough to start weeping at the slightest thing. But it’s from nerves, not sadness. Like the energy is just ready to leak out of me in any way, including tears.

Hmmm…. you know, I rather feel like I’m getting ready to go to war…  Not with anyone or anything in particular, but rather with my fears in general. They’ve been holding me captive for so long, and I’m finally sick of it and ready to “fight” back and face them. My body and mind are reacting with a “all hands on deck” emergency status thing.

Jesus…