Break-Up Emails w/ Robin, Final

After I tried to be reasonable, she finalized a break up, then I got mad and then she told me off– I got REALLY angry and wrote the following:

You started acting weird towards me and we had our first fight in over 30 years after disagreeing over politics when I first moved to Bellevue and Trump got elected. I wanted nothing to do with the discussion about politics because I knew we leaned in different directions, but you wouldn’t relent! I was shocked that you’d be so aggressive about it and thought afterwards we agreed to not go there. But every few months, you bring up something again, daring me to disagree with you or something, and I’ve been trying to be respectful and not tangle with you over politics if I can help it. The shadow of politics has been hanging over us for 3 years now.

You have been changing into this aggressively right-wing person and I don’t get it. I honestly don’t see any other reason for you to change so much except maybe reading and hearing propaganda sent you in that direction. To be fair, as I’ve aged, I’ve moved more to the left– but seeing as how I was raised by bigots, that journey began as a child just learning not to call black people the “n-word”. But still-! I’ve tried to just let it go. Meanwhile, you’ve been called a squaw by racist abusive men, yet you’re siding with their kind. You get Disability, but you support those who want to end it. You’ve been hassled and harrassed by police (something you seem to have oddly forgotten…) but think that peaceful protesters deserve to be “mowed down.” I mean, who the hell are you, anyways?!?! I can’t reconcile myself with your hypocrisy on this shit, so I am completely confused!

But even THAT doesn’t matter so much–

You’re the one who has been thinking about dumping our friendship “for a while” — not me! Don’t put the blame of the friendship ending on my being pissed about it AFTERWARDS! You ALREADY told me goodbye forever! I’m pissed off at you because I now think you were looking to pick a fight to end it, and so the clock was ticking for the last 3 years I guess. It wasn’t for ME– I was never looking to get out of the friendship. I loved you and still love you and think of you as my sister! You obviously don’t feel the same way about me. You obviously don’t love me if you’re so eager to be fucking rid of me. You’ve been looking for a reason to dump me ANYWAYS. It doesn’t matter what I say now, does it? Now I just feel fucking stupid for thinking you loved me. You didn’t. You don’t. So… it doesn’t matter what I say or do. You were done with me a while ago, you said it yourself. So trying to make me the bad guy NOW isn’t going to fly.

And I’m NOT LYING!!  It IS about the POLITICS and the ugly climate that the proto-fascists are pushing!

I already explained that I DID talk to Reese to back off. That I didn’t know what to do. That I don’t get notifications for Facebook and only check it twice a day. I said that I get that it looked like I threw you under the bus– but Robin, I DID NOT. I didn’t know what to do, and decided to just back out of that shit and maybe not follow each other on Facebook because our posts from opposite sides of the aisle keep popping up and it’s hard for you and I not to jump in and say something that pissed the other off and all our friends or relatives who agree with us! I was TRYING to find a way to PRESERVE the friendship! Any mistakes I made were honest ones done out of fear of hurting the friend I loved.

I hurt you in the process and I am sorry for that– but you didn’t care about that anyways, you were looking to just get me out of your life to begin with! So… I’m not allowed to be angry at how this all played out? I’m not allowed to say I’m PISSED at how political disagreement led to this state of affairs? Um, yeah.. actually, I think I am!

It’s not lying to say that it was politics, because nothing else makes any sense to me. What else have I done to make you not care for me anymore “for a while now”?? I honestly, REALLY believe that it IS politics. I think you don’t like having someone around who doesn’t agree with you on these topics. I think it makes you feel uneasy. You don’t like to wonder why we think differently. It’s easier to just get rid of the only person in your life that isn’t on the same page politically, and I really think that’s your reason to dump me.

I’m the only person in your life who isn’t using you to death, LITERALLY (if you don’t count grandkids). I actually care about you and have for SO many years, and proved it, over and over again! I was there for you, a voice of sanity when Mark had you in his clutches. I got a bed and made up a room for you to escape to and kept it ready until we moved from Orient. After I got moved in here, I told you we have an open-door policy and you can show up ANY time and be welcomed. So many times you were desperate and I’d drop everything to be there for you, if only as a voice and a heart. I forgave you for making and breaking plans to spend time with me. I understood where you were in your life and never judged you for your choices. At most, I expressed frustration that you were spiralling and unable to get out, because I wanted better for you. But I knew you deserved better, and I still know that! I have never once wished bad things for you. I’ve only ever shown you consideration and love, in all these many years. 42 years I’ve been good to you. 42 years where I sought you out if we lost track of each other due to the chaos of moving and busy lives. 42 years of calling each other for HOURS every week. I’ve been a true blue friend and YOU KNOW IT. You know that I’ve bent over backwards for years on your behalf and been happy to do so because it was out of sisterly love.

I have never stolen from you. I have never messed up your house. I have never physically abused you. I have never called you names. I have never gas-lit you to get you to doubt yourself. I have never insulted you. I have never asked you for money. I have never conned you. I have never demanded your services. And I’ve NEVER gone after any of the men in your life or played any other stupid competitive games with you. Not once. Not ever. To hurt you on purpose is unthinkable to me and you know that, too.

Yet you’ve forgiven the people in your life who have done these terrible things to you over and over. I’m better than ALL of them and treated you with respect and love, yet I am unworthy of this forgiveness you easily deal out to those who hurt and use you! They can treat you like shit and you’ll stay attached to all of them! For YEARS.

I flub up ONE thing every few years, and NEVER intentionally hurt you, and you’re done with me just like that!   *snaps fingers*

My only conclusion is that some fundamental thing changed between us in a very profound way, because I can’t think that you’ve been faking friendship with me all this time. No, you only got angry at me if 1) we disagreed on politics or 2) you thought I was trying to ditch you.

Well, I’ve NEVER tried to ditch you. If I ever thought our friendship was over, I’d have a talk with you about it, at least by phone– and explain myself as kindly as I could. I wouldn’t just “ghost” you suddenly out of the blue. I’ve told you that very clearly when you freaked out over my phone issues last year. If I want a break from you, I’d tell you that as well (and have– and we did have a 3 month break once a few years ago after you got back from Mark’s). I’m not tired of you. My feelings for you have not changed (other than being angry this week that you dumped me.) So since it’s pretty fucking clear that I’m not ditching the friendship– it’s you who wants to ditch it and has “for a while now.”

Which leaves WHAT reason for you to be angry enough to jump on me for making a mistake and declaring “it’s all over!” –?????

Politics.

I didn’t jump in to say I agreed with you right away. I asked questions about where you took photos. I thanked you for taking them. I gave a little of my honest assessment, that I saw boarded up buildings and graffiti– which was bad, but not as bad as I feared. (But then I have a dark imagination!) I offended you for not being on your side over Reese’s, but Reese is my friend too. Not like you– no one is like you. But think of this– when your daughters have had fights with me over Facebook, you didn’t jump onto Facebook and defend ME then, did you!??! No, of course not, because you love us both and don’t want to take sides.

To be clear, I do love you more than Reese. A LOT more! But I still wasn’t sure how to handle the situation because politically, I tend to agree with her more– but I care about you more as a person, and as my family. How was I supposed to balance that? I know I fucked it up, but it was a situation that was really EASY TO FUCK UP!!

I think the meanest thing I’ve ever said about you was that I pity you. But that’s not a lie, either. I do feel sorry for you. I think you’re siding with abusive people personally and politically. And that’s your right, it’s not up to me. But it hurts to see someone turn pain to hate, and that’s what you’re doing. I honestly feel sorry for anyone who does that! But I only said it because you made it clear you don’t care for me anymore anyways. You’ve been friends for 42 years with a green hippie democratic socialist who isn’t a “tough” person. I don’t abuse others and I refuse to join the authoritarian belief system that says abuse is okay on a societal level. I will not side with bullies. I’m not one and I don’t approve of them, so I cannot side with that whole group of people. I’m plenty pissed, but I’m not out to take that anger on people who are less powerful than I am. I am better than that. I have to be in order to breathe or to look in a mirror and not spit at what I see!

Isn’t it interesting that all the people in your life that hurt you tend to like jackbooted thugs and cars ramming into protestors? Isn’t it interesting that men who “grab ‘em by the pussy” are the ones who hate people like me? I don’t think that’s a coincidence, and I do feel very bad for you regarding this dilemma. How can you justify disagreeing with the one person in your life who has stayed loyal and kind to you? What if she’s right and you’re wrong? That must feel very uncomfortable indeed to decide to get rid of me over it!

But make no mistake, my throwing the towel in and saying “Fuck it!” and expressing my frustration and anger at the political climate that would turn you against me is not because I’ve secretly been a bad person who just got exposed to you! Give me a break. We’ve had this discussion when my cousin and various other people have played this game in order to not feel guilty when they dump me for no good reason. You know I won’t believe your self-righteous stance on this! That “See? SEE?!!? You’re the one who sucks here!” is not going to work.

You know I EAGERLY take the blame when I fuck up. I’m happy to! As I’ve said many times– if the problem is ME, then I am the one with the power to FIX things. I took the blame for handling the Facebook thing badly and I meant what I said. I feel terrible about it and always will!

But the fact you didn’t give a shit, and threw me to the winds at the first chance?!?! THAT is why we’re not friends, Robin. YOU said we were done. THAT is 100% on you.

You don’t love me, or apparently even like me, and I’m left to feel like an idiot for bothering you for at least the last few months after you wanted a break and then stopped calling me for weeks. Something changed even more THEN, and I’m not sure what it was, but I have a strong feeling it was after politics got brought up again. Since nothing else was going on in all that time that could make you decide your feelings for me were so much more negative that you’ve been thinking about ending our friendship “for a while.”

Therefore, do not play the “You betrayed me!” card. I didn’t betray you. I didn’t lie. I never agreed to not say it was politics. And you had already ended the friendship, so why do you have the right to dictate what I say afterwards?

No, Robin– if anyone betrayed anyone, it was you who betrayed me.

If anyone LIED to anyone, it was you who lied to me.

You stopped liking me and you kept stringing me along, and then took the coward’s way out by pretending I offronted you at the first opportunity so you could act like I was this horrible person you were justified in dumping!

But I’m NOT a horrible person. No one knows that like you do. No one in your entire LIFE has ever treated you better! Or loved you more. You KNOW that.

And if despite that you still didn’t like me that much, well, then– all you had to do was tell me and we could be more distant friends or just end it peacefully. I would mourn, because dammit!– it’s hard to lose someone you love– but I would accept it and move on. Dismayed, but not angry.

This way of breaking things up pisses me off however, because you’re being dishonest with me, and blowing everything up into a massive, unnecessary, drama. And I don’t start dramas, but I fucking blow up when I’m pushed too, you know. And so yeah, I got pissed and said “Fuck it” on Facebook. Compared to the things every other adult in your life has done to you repeatedly and been forgiven for–? It barely even registers.

But how can you act outraged? If you don’t love me anymore– HOW CAN WHAT I SAY EVEN HURT YOU?!?

You don’t want to feel like the one who’s a bitch here? Because, yeah, dumping the ONE and ONLY person in your life who has given and given to you and only asked for your company and conversation in exchange is pretty bitchy… suure.  So you feel guilty that you don’t like me anymore and making me blow up in rage is a great way to push that guilt away and make it all about how horrible I am! Okay– if it makes you feel better to think I’m really a horrific bitch, do so.

I’m not a bitch in general. You know that. If anything, I’m a fucking pussy.

But I can be a bitch. And right now? I’m feeling pretty fucking bitchy.

I’m acting pretty fucking bitchy too. I own it. Yeah, I knew you’d see what I put on Facebook, and I wanted you to see it. I wanted you to know I’m pissed. I wanted you to know that right now I’m not a fucking pussy. It’s over, you made that clear, and I feel betrayed and lied to and I’m FUCKING PISSED ABOUT IT! I deserved an apology SO many times and let it go when you refused to offer me one. This time–? You shoved the blame at me so unfairly and were so EAGER to paint me as the bad guy!

You pissed me off, and I have every right to be pissed off! If you don’t like it, it’s too bad. We’re not friends anymore– YOU said it before I said it was politics and that I pitied you on Facebook– so I don’t have to pussy-foot around your feelings. You CAN NOT break up with me TWICE and then say that it was my fault! Give me a break!

I deserved better than this, and you know it, but okay– it’s cool. Your green, tree-hugging, pagan, hippie, democratic socialist friend is gone just like you wanted.

Congratulations! Your wish is granted. Don’t act like this is because it was my wish too.

I did not want this! I still don’t and I never will, but friendship takes 2 people, and you’re not willing to hold up your end since you haven’t liked me “for a while now.”

I don’t want this, but YOU DO, and I’ll let you go, since that is what YOU want.

But I’m allowed to be angry and hurt and sad, and I am ALL those things!

My friend dumped me after 42 years, and I’m pretty sure it’s because of politics, and I hate that. I hate it and I’m allowed to hate it. You can’t tell me what to feel or what to say.

Your anger doesn’t scare me. Losing you scared me. But now that it’s done, I can’t afford to care anymore about your anger. How can it hurt me now? It’s over. The worst hurt is done already. So you’re angry at me? Well, the feeling is mutual. I’m pissed at you as well, and for MUCH BETTER REASON. And you know it.

You know it.

But that’s fine. You want me gone? I’m gone, as ordered.

But NOT because I hurt you, or betrayed you, or lied to you or anyone else. I love you and I think I’ve proven that over 42 FUCKING YEARS!

I’m gone because you were willing to get ugly to justify letting me go. But you let ME go.