Self-Healing Series: Narcissist Family Roles (#4)

I remember there was a series on public television in the mid-80s about an almost identical dynamic that played out in families of addiction. Ironically, I watched this with my mother back then. I was hoping to get her to take my side if she saw that this was happening in our family. She watched with interest– she and I even took notes! But in the end, it probably didn’t help me, and may have made blaming me much easier. See below!

The Dr. Ramani YouTube link here: www.youtube.com/watch

(Note: There is usually a bunch of disclaimers at the beginning of the videos that says you shouldn’t link to or post these videos to refer to anyone in particular as a narcissist or whatever, but give me a fucking break! What ELSE is this for? I mean, if you have a narci in your life, you’re going to know who it is, and I get not using full legal names to “out” people, but I’m sorry, I’ll call ‘em likes I sees ‘em, so in general, I’ll be doing finger pointing! Albeit with just first names and/or fake names.)

Oh, and I’m summarizing Ramani’s points, but adding some others along the way that I’ve learned from other sources, so don’t be too alarmed if you notice more in my lists. This is for my discussion now and later as I examine these ideas.

THE ROLES OF CHILDREN WITH NARCISSIST PARENTS

Other points:

~ You may end up okay if you have one “good” parent, but that parent has to protect the child over the narcissistic parent.

~ If you had 2 narci parents, then all bets are off. (And I did.)

1. Scapegoat: This child gets the pile-on of blame for any excuse the narci parent can cook up. In fact, the entire family can gang up against them in a dynamic called “family mobbing.” They are the target for abuse in the family, and have completely miserable childhoods and teen years.

They can be picked on for any reason, but often they are perceived as a threat for being too smart, too happy, too talented– or, quite often, they just “get it” and know what the hell is actually up. They see through the narcissist’s bullshit and realize how messed up and rotten to the core they are, as well as the family system the narci promotes, and narcis don’t like that! So the narci parent makes sure to isolate the Scapegoat and break down their spirit as best they can so they have no power to “call out” the truth about what’s really happening. If no one listens to the Scapegoat, the narci can continue their unfair and selfish behavior indefinitely. Abuse and isolation are used together to shut the Scapegoat up. [I find this fascinating because I always suspected this was the case, but rarely heard any mental health expert address this aspect of why kids get scapegoated.]

Scapegoats have a childhood and youth characterized by CONFUSION, mainly because they are GASLIT by the narci parent and so reality seems questionable. They are manipulated and emotionally abused, but more than that– they are blamed for things they can’t help. [For instance my father having a failure in his business dealings and coming home to attack me.] It’s crazy-making for the child!

* Scapegoats go into adulthood feeling alienated, lacking self-esteem, holding grief for their lack of belonging or being wanted, and finding negotiating normal adult relationships to be terribly challenging. Hopefully, better relationships with kind people and therapy help them to learn to set up permanent and firm boundaries with their family.

I was definitely the Scapegoat of my family. Robin was the Scapegoat of hers. I think I started out as a Golden Child very early on, with my high I.Q. tests and many talents, but my parents turned on me in a big way in my middle childhood. Some of that was exacerbated by some outside forces, but I honestly think I was doomed once my narci parents realized I had their number.

2. Golden Child: Generally brings glory (or elevated pity) onto the family. They’re always great at something the parent values: an athlete, beauty queen, straight A student, or part of a group that brings attention and good will towards the parent and/or family as a whole (like a handicap that makes the parent look like a hero for raising that child). They can become highly motivated to succeed and do very well in life, since the family’s resources will be funneled into their success.

Golden Children can become Narcissists in the making, who come to believe they really are special and deserve all that attention and praise. They may be active participants in scapegoating other siblings or extremely uncomfortable with that aspect of the family dynamic.

It is possible for Golden Children to realize something is wrong and have a conversation with the narci parent, only to be punished for this and experience a fall from grace, perhaps leading to their becoming scapegoated themselves.

* As adults, Golden Children often end up being the only ones in the family who will deal with and take care of the narci parent, because the other siblings will long have escaped and refused further participation. They can fall apart from the pressure and fail to succeed at all. They can also just get tired of doing what brought them positive attention as kids and once they stop, they find out how conditional their parent’s love really was. Their success and glory can also trigger their narci parent to get competitive and petty with their once favored child.

I started out life as a part-time Golden Child who dared to tell the truth, so my parents decided I was “too big for my britches” (their actual words multiple times during my life) and I was summarily scapegoated from that point forward (around 8 years old.) My sister was half this type and half the Invisible type, and she participated in scapegoating me (she wasn’t invisible when she was tattling!) Cousins Lisa & David were also classic Golden Children, with Lisa participating in scapegoating me sometimes, but she was also often aghast at how I was treated and sad for me at other times. Robin’s brother Brian was the total hero Golden Child.

3. Invisible Child: This child fades into the background, which may seem preferable, but it means they are consigned to neglect. The opposite extreme from the abused Scapegoat Child, the Invisible Child avoids negative attention, but it seems impossible for them to sometimes even get the most basic bare minimum neutral attention, let alone positive. This child is found to be too much of a headache and inconvenience to the narci parent, and so they are shunted to the side completely.

Invisible Children will often go to extremes to be noticed. They may try being the best, then the worst, kinds of children– but nothing seems to work. Though they may actually be dodging a bullet by not being on the narci parent’s radar, it’s normal and natural for any child to want attention, validation, and praise.

* As adults, these neglected types may spend way too much time trying to be seen as special, or may fall into relationships where once again they don’t matter. They don’t believe that they are worthy very easily since we learn how valuable we are FROM our family.

I see now reading this that I was the Scapegoated Child to my father (and to my mother when I annoyed her), but I was mostly just Invisible to my mother after my tweens. By the time I was a teenager, it was often shocking to me how little I mattered to her. She would usually forget my birthday for instance, or to take me to routine dental or medical check-ups. My sister could easily fade into obscurity herself when my parents were too busy with their addictions and bullshit. I at least made a stink when things went too far, Erica rarely complained about how she was treated by her own parents– only complaining about me because our parents rewarded her for that.