Self-Healing #7: Things Narci Enablers Say To Others

Dealing with those who side with the narcissists is one of my massive pet peeves, and I wanted to examine that today.

Once more Dr. Ramani explains: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ok4-7RJut6I

Narcissists hold so much power in families, workplaces, etc. because Enablers hold them up, protect them, and make excuses for them.  People think Narci arrogance is confidence, families are scared of Narci rage, and modern social media venerates the egotistical displays of bullshit that narcissists are so skilled at.

THINGS ENABLERS SAY

1. That the Narci had a tough life and deserves pity. Therefore, the Narci is excused from their bad behavior.

~ My mother used to say this about my father all the time. My come back was that I was having a tough life RIGHT THEN, and I rose above that shit and tried to be a better person. Therefore, it was clear my father was still choosing to be abusive towards me.

2. The Narci didn’t actually MEAN that terrible thing they said or did. Therefore, you shouldn’t take it so personally.

~ Yeah they did! Anyway, how could the Enabler even know that? The point is to invalidate the victim’s point of view and avoid empathy for the person who actually deserves it.

3. “Well, I never had any problems with them!” Therefore, it’s your problem and not the Narci’s.

~ Classic invalidation response. People rarely treat everyone around them the same, so it doesn’t even make logical sense. (However, I recall with some shame that I’ve said this to people who’ve complained about someone to me. Usually it’s because I’m new to the social circle and don’t know what to think yet.) Narcis often give their Enablers a pass, though, because they protect and excuse and embolden the Narci.

4. The Narci will get better. Therefore, you just need to be patient for them.

~ Many people just can’t grasp that a category of humans are nearly incapable of change and waiting for better behavior is a lesson in stupidity. The point is to maintain the status quo for any number of selfish reasons for the Enabler. Preaching endurance and patience just means allowing abuse to continue when it doesn’t have to.

5. The Narci is not that bad! Therefore, you are just being too sensitive.

~ This form of invalidation and minimization is very common. It’s yet another thing my mother would say to me about my father. His behavior wasn’t that big of a deal and so why was I over-reacting? It drove me absolutely bananas! Gas-lighting the victim not only on a personal level, but on a societal and cultural one. This a huge reason why victims of Narcis doubt themselves after hearing this over and over in childhood.

(I love Dr. R. saying relationships with Narcis is like “one long hazing ritual” when you bring the Enablers into the mix!)

6. Stop complaining about the Narci– look at the ______ they do for you/us! Therefore, the problem is you being whiny, not them being abusive.

~ This is all about the Enablers keeping their Golden Goose laying those eggs, regardless of the cost to those the Narci is targeting. It’s as though providing for some kind of material comfort is a “get out of jail free” card for the abusive Narci.

Thanks for reading/watching along!