Living Together: It’s No Fairy Tale

By: Kara Barnette, Pastor’s Wife
Faith Baptist Church Faith, NC

During the coming weeks the world will be inundated with news coverage of a royal wedding. How many tiers comprise the cake? Who designed the dress? And which celebrities made the guest list?  

Prince Harry, the royal offspring of Prince Charles and the late Princess Diana, will marry actress Meghan Markle on May 19th. Tabloids have quarried for decades with whom the dashing young prince would finally settle down, and now the 33-year-old bachelor has quit sewing his many wild oats and picked his princess.  

Meghan Markle, in contrast to her fiancé, is quite unroyal.  She’s American. She’s the child of divorce, and as an adult, a divorcee herself. This wedding is a huge deal, we’re told: it’s the biggest thing to happen to a commoner since Cinderella slipped-on that impractical-but-stylish glass pump.

But don’t believe the hype, folks.  This is no fairytale.

Since early in their relationship, Markle and Prince Harry have been – like many in modern culture –living together outside of marriage.  The couple shares a cottage on the property of Kensington Palace. Even their internationally-publicized engagement announcement included a snapshot into their sinful cohabitation:

It was actually in their cottage where Prince Harry proposed to Markle, as she revealed in their first joint interview with the BBC. “It happened a few weeks ago, earlier this month, here at our cottage; just a standard typical night for us,” Prince Harry said of the special moment, to which the former actress replied, “Just a cozy night, it was – what we were… trying to roast a chicken and it [was] just an amazing surprise, it was so sweet and natural and very romantic. He got on one knee.”

I hate to dampen their enthusiasm or shut the book on their storybook romance… but Ms. Markle and Mr. Harry are headed down a bumpy road. Their marriage is in trouble before it even begins.

Those attempting to head-off divorce by first cohabitating might be disappointed to learn that research suggests that cohabitating increases the odds of divorce. Couples who live together prior to marriage are twice as likely to divorce as those who don’t and report more arguing, less satisfaction, and poorer communication. Furthermore, living together certainly does nothing to solidify a relationship. Around half of all couples who cohabitate end-up going their separate ways within five years.

Once considered taboo, cohabitation is now an openly-accepted arrangement.  HGTV host Drew Scott and his famous ‘property brother’ Jonathan talk openly on their home renovation show about their live-in relationships with girlfriends.   A popular AT&T commercial celebrates a couple moving their furniture into the same house while a narrator extols, “…that moving out of the friend zone, moving in together, and getting two of everything thing.”  Movies promote cohabitation, pop and country music romanticize it, and we’re all increasingly witnessing this lifestyle being embraced by our relatives, our neighbors, and our friends.

Even the Southern Baptist ones.

Living together outside the bonds of matrimony is an epidemic. More than half of all couples getting married this year have lived together. Common though it is, Scripture assures us that living together is not magical. Not romantic. And certainly not the stuff dreams are made of.

Jesus was not naïve to the iniquitous arrangement of couples living together. One hot afternoon while He rested by a well getting a drink, he approached the issue with a Samaritan woman:

The woman said to Him, “Sir, give me this water so that I won’t get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water.”

 He told her, “Go, call your husband and come back.”

“I have no husband,” she replied.

Jesus said to her, “You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true. (John 4:15-18)”

LIVING TOGETHER IS NOT GOD’S WILL.

Jesus didn’t shy away from confronting the woman at the well.  Her immoral cohabitation was important to Jesus, who knew it was a stumbling block to her ability to walk with Him. Interestingly, Jesus did not treat the woman at the well like a victim, as current culture might.  Poor lady, we might say today.  She’s been through five failed marriages, so who are we to judge her current lifestyle choice?  No, Jesus made it obvious that in order to abide rightly in His will, she needed to repent of and end that degenerate living arrangement.  

Genesis 2:24 says, This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh.  This passage early in Scripture shows that foundational to marriage is the concept that a couple will (1) leave their parents (or by extension if single, leave their own home), get married, and only then (2) live together in a close, intimate relationship. Never once does the Bible promote any idea that a couple living together before marriage – in essence, reversing the order of Genesis 2:24 and bonding together inside a home before wedlock – is acceptable to God.  

LIVING TOGETHER CAUSES PROBLEMS FOR THE COUPLE.  

Cohabitation muddles relationship roles such as who’s responsible for household chores or the care of aging parents. It creates financial confusion concerning the separation or joining together of property and moneys. And it creates legal complications galore.

When my husband and I signed the lease on our current rental home, the contract had a clause that we could not be living together as a couple in the house without being married. Was this because our national rental company is Christian, and holds to a high ethical standard? Nope. It’s because they’ve grown weary of legal battles that arise when cohabitating couples split-up and disagree about who’s responsible for the lease.  

LIVING TOGETHER CREATES HAVOC FOR THE COUPLE’S LOVED ONES.

Relatives and friends endure chaos over sleeping arrangements for the cohabitating couple who are coming to visit; what names children will call the couple (“Is she my aunt because she’s living with my uncle?”); where the live-in boyfriend should sit at funerals and weddings; and whether the live-in girlfriend should be included in family pictures.  A couple’s choice to live together outside of marriage ruins holidays, spoils birthdays, and creates everyday awkwardness for those who love them.

LIVING TOGETHER IS NOT JUST CONFINED TO THE YOUNG.

Lest senior citizens wag their finger at Millennials, the Pew Research Center reports, “The number of people over 50 who cohabit with an unmarried partner jumped 75 percent from 2007 to 2016…the highest increase in any age group.” This phenomenon, known as “repartnering,” is often prompted by individuals who either (a) had a bad divorce experience earlier in life which they do not want to repeat, or (b) had such a good experience being married earlier in life that they feel like they’re disrespecting their deceased spouse if they remarry.  Rest assured that sin has no expiration date: getting older does not soften or codify its consequences or its unrighteousness. Living together at any age is wrong.

LIVING TOGETHER IS NOT SOLELY ABOUT SHARING A PERMANENT RESIDENCE.  

Those who desire to live in a chaste and holy manner before the Lord must examine their short-term accommodations with their boyfriend/girlfriend, as well. In today’s permissive culture, couples who might not consider permanently cohabitating often feel comfortable vacationing together, for example. But that type of arrangement can harm the couple’s testimony, whereas 1 Thessalonians 5:22 admonishes us to avoid even the appearance of evil.  And even if the couple takes strides to abstain from physical impropriety while vacationing together, without accountable adults accompanying them they can still find themselves experiencing increased temptation.

A single pastor-friend of mine once shared the excitement he felt when his out-of-state girlfriend came to visit him for several days. As he detailed the nice time they had sightseeing and fellowshipping during her visit, he was sure to explain that they did not stay in the same residence, nor did they ever allow themselves to be alone at his home during her stay. Such wise regard for protecting their testimony and purity will bless the couple throughout their marriage.

Living together is a heartbreaker. A trouble-maker. A dream-stealer. It’s like opening all your Christmas presents on December 1st and then on Christmas morning trying to find something new under the tree.  Those who hope to build long-lasting relationship unity will follow the Lord’s blueprint. A wise couple holds to Scripture and forsakes the plague of cohabitation that has infected our culture. They protect the purity of their bodies and the well-being of their testimonies until that blissful day when they place those golden bands on each other’s fingers and say, “I do.”

And then they live happily ever after.

1. Muller, Marissa M., “Prince Harry and Meghan Markle Are Living Inside A 1,300 Square-Foot Cottage In Kensington Palace,” W Magazine, December 8, 2017.
2. Wartik, “The Perils of Playing House,” Psychology Today, July/August 2005.
3. Lukas, Carrie L. The Politically Incorrect Guide to Women, Sex, and Feminism. (Washington, DC: Regenery) 86.
4. Ibid.
5. Span, Paula. “More Older Couples Are ‘Shacking Up’,” The New York Times, May 8, 2017.