The Twattering Classes

The focus tonight is on corporate twatterati, and I make no apology for the predictability of the implicated suspects: Bicyclist Branson, feral Fukushima fomentors General Electric, Boomstats Bloomberg, and the seat aka arse of British executive government, the Cabinet Office. I hope you find tonight’s contents as hilarious as I do….but if so, please remember that for hundreds of thousands of innocent citizens in the West, laughing at those who should be the residents of Bedlam gives only temporary – and all too brief – relief from poverty.

One of the least attractive things about Virgin Trains is that when somebody says they’re travelling by Virgin and they’ve got reservations, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they’ve reserved some seats: it’s more likely to mean they have severe reservations about getting on a Virgin train and then using it as a means of transport. Half the time (in my experience) even if travellers reserve seats in advance, they will arrive to find people sitting in their seats, and few if any staff prepared to move the squatters. Let’s face it, even if the squatters wanted to move, there’s no way they could get out and move down the carriage without at least five other passengers being winched onto the roof.

In order to prove those seemingly exaggerated points, here’s a tweet from yesterday  – the tail end of the Did He Have No Seat or Just a Grudge? saga about Corbyn’s Virgin experience – that delivers yet another hammer blow to Branson’s flimsy case:

Bear in mind, this was Branson’s First Class product, so it could be that Standard Class would make a 1942 carriage bound for Dachau look like the Orient Express. I like the lady foreground left, though: she’s cute.

Branson has been a cowboy since his early days of evading tax when he launched Virgin Records. He’s just another “well” educated creep with no compass for either balloon or ethics. This time around, he thought it would be a gas to exploit digital technology and hang Corbyn on a Spithead pike. It’s gone so wrong that Big Swinging Dick had to have a bicycle accident in order to grab the sympathy vote afterwards. “My whole life flashed before me,” he told the PR company. What a horrible experience it must have been.

But Branson’s use of corporate funds to bend the Truth is another of my pet Twitter hates, for such Uri Gelleresque dissemblers are an increasingly high proportion of the Twattering classes. Here’s an absolute pearler from those wonderful folks who gave you Fukushima, General Electric:

In some ways, I felt vindicated by this tweet, because it is prima facie evidence of what I’ve been saying for years: large multinationals not only haven’t learned that binary bean-brain Nerds are dangerous, they positively want as many of them as they can lay their hands on. Never mind if the customer finds it easier to read their instruction manuals back to front, these guys can do what we can’t so they must be clever.

For those unfamiliar with the reason why one Japanese nose in five now doubles up as a bedtime reading light, I should tell you that GE supplied the very same Fukushima refining tanks that will be donating a second head and six more eyes to every fish from Yokohama to Yonkers for the next 7,900 years. The reason is that some genuine GE scientists with real brains designed failsafe tanks, and then the beancounters at General Electric took out all the silly ideas they’d included like walls and metal. The scientists then resigned en masse, and were told to shut up by Sales, it’s business WTF do you know, egghead?

Perhaps it wouldn’t have been so bad if the software automatic-control manual hadn’t been written by the Binary bugeyes. You know, so the ‘how to turn it off’ had been on Page 6, not hidden in a footnote on Page 438 under the heading ‘Collateral coordinates’.

Few corporate news entities use Twitter quite as much as Boombust TV. The word-count restriction suits their coverage style perfectly, in that there is a direct correlation between the number of words used, and the size of the lie. In the 1930s, Goebbels refined this better than anyone, eventually settling on ‘All Jews are Communists’. Had Philip Green been born 70 years earlier, there would have been stark evidence to show what a consummate liar the Little Club-foot Nazi was; but because Green is an arsehole without equal, it didn’t happen.

So you see, the propaganda victory of the Nazis, the invasion of Poland, the Second World War and the Holocaust were all Green’s fault because he didn’t turn up on time, the ill-mannered fat bastard. How easy it is to blame the Jews if you just put that Simian part of your brain to work on the problem. It reminds me of a Manchester Jewish friend from my youth who used to insist that the saying “the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for many good men to do nothing” was based on it being misheard. He used to tell me “the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for Manny Goodman to do nothing” were the actual words, and they were taken out of context: the original sage uttering them added, “and let me tell you, when we catch up with Manny, we are going to give him a hiding that shoulda happened to Hitler”.

But I digress. Again. Because the Bloomberg tweet above just casually slips in – funny how it happens every three months – that the figures for the US economy from the previous quarter (designed to boost confidence and keep the show on the road) were lies.

Aw shoot, sorreeee….when we said the economy was booming at 2.2%, we forgot to remember that lower outlays and bigger depletions in the QE support for the prostitution space would actually be the cap that covered up the bald truth of a sluggish first half.

IABATO! (It’s all bollocks and that’s official)

But when it comes to institutional Twatter, nothing can beat Government for sheer brass-necked, zero-sensitivity hypocrisy. Here we are in 2016: we’re well into the 21st century now, and this is the scenario…..

The politicians we pay to protect our interests don’t GAF about us, because they may get votes from us on account of us being terminally stupid, but they get the filthy lucre from the big multinationals and the banks – and for hobgoblin legislators, votes are only the means to the end of munnnneeeeee.

So it is that £870 billion was pissed away to save banking onanists in the 2008/09 period alone: and yet somehow, it’s the NHS and Women State pensioners in 2016 being called upon to pay for this sea-based Charge of the Light Brigade at Dunkirk – during which the financial cannons fired upon the little ships that came to rescue the beached troops being strafed by the creditors.

Now the Government that works for us has hired profit-obsessed, unskilled android tick-boxers to humiliate innocent 60+ women who’ve had their pensions delayed by up to six years….by probing about their fitness to work. That is, fitness to work in a deregulated and rabidly ageist job market just to try and make a few pennies because the dickheads to whom they paid lots of pennies over 40 years backed the wrong horse at Newmarket.

But to show that the crew of the Mayflower still have feelings, this truly sweeeet tweet emerged this afternoon from the Cabinet Office:

It’s enough to make one pray for a return to the Divine Right of Monarchs.

Wake up Waspis: this is the level of depraved cynicism you must face.