The scene online on Sunday

 Tonight’s Slogpost reveals yet more of those useless members of humanity who add nothing to life quality, but abuse the limited supply of oxygen we have left. There are old favourites and newcomers in here, from Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel and risible online advertising to Dr Farah Karim-Cooper and the only Gay Russian tank commander in the Village Owenita Jonsavitch. Enjoy.

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Although Schauble and Schulz widely asserted in 2009 that everyone is now fluent German on the continent again speaking, this has turned out to be  complete Pferdscheiss. So – as ever, ready to switch strategy – Mrs Merkel’s Boys have come up with the answer, so they have:

 Are you very keen soon popular in France to be? Jah? Then you need this app now superbly in Germany made! Yes, within a few days heavily accented fluency in French will yours be, und if you are not completely satisfied you will on our FREE intensive Arbeit macht frei course be sent.

Learn “Je veux à six heures le TGV à Berlin prendre”  in naturally guttural French to say, so that the local Untermenschen French EU partners we love to bits will never that you were in Germany born know!

Unsere geliebte Geli herself is in Spain “sorting out the migration issue” with new Spanish PM Senor Sanchez. She spoke out vehemently against racism, Communism, Islamophobia, war, poverty, fiscal deficits, Hungary, Russia and of course, Brexit. Because he is allegedly racist, Islamophobic and rich, Boris Johnson by contrast does not conform to EU directive #57909.

A Slog sympathiser has leaked to us the first three questions in the examination Mr Johnson will be “forced” to take:

1. Which of these sentences is NOT true: All babies in Britain have Norland nannies; Most British people can afford to go to Eton; There is no such thing as Islamophobia; Mrs May is very nice when you get to know her; Only White people are racist; Bashar Assad uses chemical weapons on his people because he is sadistic scum; Islam is the religion of peace; Jeremy Corbyn loves the EU and abhors violence; Rupert Murdoch knew about phone hacking all along; Michael Gove is a lunatic.
2. You find yourself in a Tube elevator with people of colour who don’t speak English very well and are regarding you in a surly manner. One of them has pop-eyes and is carrying a large machete . Do you (a) stand there with steam quietly drifting out of your ears (b) muse on how wonderful it is to have these people adding such richness to our culture (c) poo yourself (d) smile and say “Pork sausages and lashings of bacon”?
3. While cycling around London, you see a tattooed white UKIP swine beating up a defenceless old Chinese lady with a view to stealing her purse, in which are her life savings. Do you (a) assume the attacker is a DWP civil servant going about his daily work, and cycle on (b) Raise your fist in a fascist salute and shout, “Go for it my son, wuhey, get stuck into the old baggage!” (c) Resolve to form a political alliance with Nigel Farage (d) attack the scumbigot Nazi until he is but pulp, and proclaim that all liberals have the inalienable human right to kill racists to death?

Angela Merkel requires zero diversity training, because her stances and policies have been so endlessly varietal, her commitment to eclectic cognitive dissonance is beyond question. She has in rapid succession been a revolutionary Communist Youth Leader in the DDR, a Christian Democrat conservative in the DBR, an enthusiast for broadened EU democracy, a co-conspirator in the plan to use ECB illegality to bring Greece to heel, an enthusiastic critic of ECB quantitative easing, an unalloyed supporter of African migration into the EU, a migrant doubter who asked Austria and Italy not to send her any more Africans, a Brexit hardliner, a Brexit dove who sees Barnier as “inflexible”, a fervent supporter of NATO and the Mogherini Barmy Army, but a pacifist when it came to bombing Syria because she is dependent on Putin’s gas.

So then, no training for Mutti because Mutti knows best. The only problem is trying to stay abreast of best, as it were. But then, Big Sister was not an outcome George Orwell thought about. The misogynist bastard.

 Wouldn’t it be simply divine to own a car in a horrible bright rust colour called a ‘Duster’ for just €5 a day? “I’m just going to potter around with my duster,” and so forth. Bright rust is surely the new black.

Even better, the car is made by a subsidiary of Renault called Dacia. In Romania. And in just 61 months (aka five years) you’ll have paid off the 0% loan of €9150, just in time to get the Dacia Duster valued at around €2000.

But nihil desperandum: it could be worse…..you could be a black thespian under the cosh of racist lighting technicians in the English theatre. The Maily Telegraph asserts that ‘experts have warned that casting ethnic minority actors without paying attention to the way they are lit, or what colour costumes they wear, puts them at a disadvantage to white performers…..’

The plural “experts” turned out to be one singular academicette, Dr Farah Karim-Cooper, the Head of Higher Education & Research at the Globe Theatre.  “Using the same lighting and stage design as you do for white actors puts actors of colour at a disadvantage. There is a danger with traditionally dark, tragic, stage settings, that actors of colour merge into the background.”

So when Ronald Colman and Larry Olivier put on the dark face-paint to play Shakespeare’s infamous Blackamoor, they too were (one assumes) disadvantaged. However, it doesn’t seem to have stopped them – and myriad other honkeys – from getting rave reviews over the last 400 years.

Having a monniker like Farah Karim-Cooper, one might easily assume that the good doctor is herself of a colourful hue. Not so, as the picture (left) illustrates. Ms Karim-Cooper is very keen on how “Shakespeare leaves directorial clues to actors”, and she continually looks at how the plays work successfully in all sorts of different performance spaces. But clearly, Will didn’t give any directorial clues as to what acting is about regardless of skin colour.

Why would he?

I couldn’t leave this meander through madness without reproducing yet another evidence-free Owen Jones tweet:

Well Jones the Kommissar-boyo, perhaps we would speak out if you could – in plain, commonsense English – explain whyTF UK media and politicians would want to do this. After all, we sell an enormous mountain of arms to very nasty Islamic régimes busy hating Muslim sects that aren’t their Muslim sects. But all of those régimes cut up rough with Britain when they perceive that we are whipping up hatred of all Muslims.

You yourself are quick to whip up hatred of Saudi Arabian Muslims. Repulsion for the values of Saudi Arabian Stone Age vengeful justice is richly deserved. So I’m assuming here that you want to make the Saudis an exception to the rule that Islam is the religion of Peace.

Face it, Owen: you’re muddled. You’re muddled about what equality is, what freedom of speech is, what citizen liberty is, what socialism is, what capitalism is, what the EU is, what philosophy is, and what the distance between your head and your bottom is.