The Sunday Smile

Obscure American professor Eric Sprankle deservedly joins Theresa May and Barren Adonis in tonight’s edition about virgin birth rape, a verging on the ridiculous Brexit landscape, and a very narrow escape from the clutches of Britain’s mental health authorities.

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A Minnesota professor last week argued that the Virgin Mary did not give her consent to being impregnated.

Eric Sprankle, an associate professor of psychology and ‘certified sex therapist’ tweeted last Monday to opine as follows: ‘an all-knowing, all-powerful deity impregnating a human teen….There is no definition of consent that would include that scenario….God’s treatment of Mary was an unethical abuse of power at best, and grossly predatory at worst.’

Truly, this is reality mimicking the albums of Derek & Clive. “Certified” in UK English describes people who are kept behind locked doors in a mental institution in order that others outside the wall should feel more at ease: in this case, for once, US and UK Anglospeak is in concert.

Professor Sprankle is a classic example of Homo Muddlupapiens – and something of a rare find, given the sheer profundity of his confusion.

In this his (I have to say, virally retweeted) output, the man from Minnesota seems to be accepting the possibility of impossible virgin birth while at one and the same time saying a dirty old man aka God raped her. A virgin raped by a myth knocks the idea of ”extra-virgin’ olive oil back into second place in that infamous league table, The Oxymoronic Premiership.

“Your honour,” said the counsel for the prosecution, “my client alleges that someone who doesn’t exist raped her 2,019 years ago in such a manner as to leave her an unsullied virgin. As a result of the encounter, she gave birth to an argumentative carpenter, whose crucifixion in turn led to her becoming a pariah among polite society in Judea. She thus claims damages against the alleged but absent creator of the Universe in the sum of 581 trillion cesterces”.

Supreme Court Judge Brett Kavanaugh will deliver his judgement in due course.

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In a desperate last-minute five to midnight final bid to get her abject submission to the rule of Belgian Christmas vegetables through Parliament, Queen Theresa I this afternoon vowed to get a better Brexit deal from Brussels than the one to which there is no alternative.

“I shall fly to Belgium tonight,” she told Sir Robin Day, the only respected journalist willing to sit in a room with her on account of being deceased, “and demand major concessions in minor areas or minor concessions in major areas, whichever might be the least impossible”.

The Prime Minister enlarged upon her aims by saying she would assertively beg Monsieur Drunker (the outgoing Radio Luxembourg DJ) to allow Britain to keep on calling itself the United Kingdom – as opposed to Guy Verhofstadt’s plan for the country to be renamed Punishment Cell Block H.

An outraged Boris Johnson told Maily Telegraph readers, “While she may insist on making a mockery of democracy, there are others for example me in Britain who prefer to demonstrate in favour of demockery, a system which does not involve the hypocrisy of pretending to give a shit about what the lower orders want or need”.

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There are rumours among the higher echelons of the London Greek Cypriot community that winner of the 2017 Lollipop Lookalike Contest Baron Adonis is writing a book on the Dealey Plaza death of President Kennedy in Dallas on November 22nd 1963. So although I am blocked (along with 17.4 million others) by Baron Astonish, I rang him yesterday to ask whether there was any truth to the stories. He was happy to confirm that he is indeed working on his own theory about JFK’s untimely death.

“There is no doubt in my mind,” Admonish told me, “that the cause of death was suicide. This is clearly borne out by the fact that he made no attempt to avoid the bullets fired at him – in fact, he deliberately slumped to one side in order to meet the final bullet head-on so to speak. He was obviously depressed about his wife’s burgeoning affair with Aristotle Onassis, hence his foolhardy decision to ride in an open-topped limo and thus invite every hare-brained Texan to take a pop at him…..it represents a perfect analogy with the suicidal decision by educationally sub-normal British Nazis to vote in favour of leaving the European Union. Like Kennedy, they only have themselves to blame for bringing Britain to the edge of a deep precipice from which we will crash out of the EU family and thus be buried under the extinct lava of Kilimanjaro forever.”

Next February, Baron Adenoids will begin work on another highly controversial volume, working title Fuckwits are forever, not for Brexit.  Shortly after our telcon, he made a daring escape from Twickenham mental health services across the rooftops of Muswell Hill. Twickenham Council Leader Toby Brickshort-OverLode said he was not dangerous -and come to think of it, neither was Baron Addonatip.