Tales From The Classroom

(“Tales from the Classroom” is a feature posted occasionally here at this blog.  All tales are true and present matters about which I have personal knowledge. The following blog post relates to a particular aspect of teacher training: that of communicating with parents)

From School Reports – What Teachers Really Mean:

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
(He was caught cheating on a test).

2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
(The hyperactive monster can’t stay seated for five minutes).

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
(He’s definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don’t intimidate her.
(The lazy thing hasn’t done one assignment all term).

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).

7. Your daughter’s greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
(He’s a bully).

9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).

10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
(She’s so immature that we’ve run out of diapers).

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
(He must have written the Whiner’s Guide).

12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year’s repetition of her learning environment.
(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).

13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!
(A mouth that never stops yacking OR Is able to imaginatively express his thoughts in various media.
(Caught writing on bathroom walls.)

14. Displays leadership ability.
(Bossy.)

15. Has potential to stand out from his peers.
(Headed for America’s Most Wanted.)

16. Technologically proficient.
(Hacked into school computer system.)

17. Handwriting is excellent.
(Forges parents’ signatures.)

18. Creatively expresses himself.
(Uses profanity.)

19. Has materials available at all times.
(Desk overflowing with crap.)

20. Talented artist.
(Draws pictures in class.)

21. Meticulous worker.
(Never completes assignments.)

22. Independent thinker.
(Does not follow directions.)

23. Others look to her for guidance.
(Bad influence.)

24. Excellent multi-tasking abilities.
(Does not pay attention.)

25. Finishes all assignments quickly.
(Sloppy, careless work.)

26. Maintains constant cheerful attitude.
(Nothing phases him.)

Yes, we teachers actually receive training in how to use certain euphemisms. Mustn’t freak out the parents or damage Little Johnny’s self-esteem, you know.