The Total Flanker Guide to: Being an Alickadoo

The Oxford English Dictionary defines Alickadoo as:

“A person who is attached to or associated with a rugby game or club but does not play, especially an administrative official or committee member.”

I am a person attached to or associated with a rugby club (in my capacity as a coach of a club Under 16 team) who does not play.

I am not, however, an Alickadoo – at least not yet. I do, however, have aspirations in that direction.

The definition of an Alickadoo is quite correct when it makes reference to administrative officials and committee members but there are a few things that the definition omits:

1. The Blazer

A blazer, preferably in club colours, is the staple uniform of any self-respecting Alickadoo and is to be worn on an almost permanent basis and definitely whenever within a 2 mile radius of the clubhouse. This is vitally important – after all, what is the point of being an Alickadoo if you can’t be identified as such. It’s not for nothing that club Alickadoos are often collectively referred to as “the Blazers.” I don’t have a club blazer. I must buy one or, if none exists, invent one.

2. Clubhouse residency

Another characteristic of any Alickadoo is that they spend every spare waking hour at the clubhouse. Effectively, whenever the clubhouse is open the Alickadoo is expected to be there, positioned in very close proximity to the bar, alcoholic beverage of choice in hand. Maintenance of this constant presence is key to everyone understanding just how important you are, although side effects may include inevitable insolvency, liver failure and marital difficulties. An understanding spouse is therefore hugely advantageous. This may be my biggest challenge.

3. Talking a good game

It is impossible to be an Alickadoo unless you have the capacity to regale anyone who will listen, and even those that won’t, with stories and anecdotes about how marvellous rugby was in your day, about games you’ve played in and tours you’ve been on and about certain long-gone club characters who no one else can remember as well as proffering your considered opinion on the current state of the club, your county, professional rugby, your national team and rugby in general. Fortunately this happens to be my default setting. I feel I am half way there.

Total Flanker – the older I get, the better I was