Emotional Gold Diggers & Exhausted Women

Harper’s Bazaar had an article about the emotional issues tied to gender in our culture. Men aren’t supposed to nurture friendships, and, as a result, they turn to the women in their lives to do all the emotional lifting for them.

That article here–>  www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a27259689/toxic-masculinity-male-friendships-emotional-labor-men-rely-on-women/

Oh- man! Can I relate to this! I’m getting all kinds of frustration with the flashbacks of my own experience with Gerick.

Some tidbits:

“And as modern relationships continue to put pressure on “the one” to be The Only One (where men cast their wives and girlfriends to play best friend, lover, career advisor, stylist, social secretary, emotional cheerleader, mom—to him, their future kids, or both—and eventually, on-call therapist minus the $200/hour fee), this form of emotional gold digging is not only detrimental to men, it’s exhausting an entire generation of women.

The idea of an “emotional gold digger” was first touched on in 2016 by writer Erin Rodgers with a tweet that continues to be re-posted on social media—both by women who married self-described feminist men, and by those with more conservative husbands. It has gained more traction recently as women, feeling increasingly burdened by unpaid emotional labor, have wised up to the toll of toxic masculinity, which keeps men isolated and incapable of leaning on each other. Across the spectrum, women seem to be complaining about the same thing: While they read countless self-help books, listen to podcasts, seek out career advisors, turn to female friends for advice and support, or spend a small fortune on therapists to deal with old wounds and current problems, the men in their lives simply rely on them.“

” “Men drain the emotional life out of women,” says the 41-year-old, who lives in Nashville, Tennessee. “I love ‘em, but good lord, they’ve become the bane of my existence.” “

It goes on to say that men stop having friendships when they get married, typically, maybe speaking and going out for drinks with the guys from work sometimes, but in general– they turn to their spouses for every emotional thing. So women in older generations– Boomers and the Silent– pretty much wait for their husbands to die so they can finally begin their lives, which are filled with family and friend connections.

I recall how I pestered and pushed for Gerick to talk to friends he made at work, and remember friends birthdays and the like so I could get a breath every now and again. He totally exhausted me! So I encouraged him to befriend every nice person he came across that he got along with to give myself a respite from being his full-time, live-in, therapist!

“But unlike women in our mothers’ generation, Gen X’ers and millennials are starting to hold their partners accountable—or they’re simply leaving. Ruby Marez, a comedian in her early 30’s living in Los Angeles, got so fed up with functioning as an unpaid therapist that she gave her then-boyfriend of five years an ultimatum: Get a shrink or we’re done. “He had no excuse not to go since his job paid for it. But here I was, a struggling freelancer with no benefits, always finding a way to prioritize therapy and yoga.” He refused for two years, then finally agreed after multiple arguments—but there was a catch; only if she found the therapist and set up the appointments, which she did. He rarely went, says Marez, often blaming the therapist for scheduling conflicts. A little wiser, Marez broke up with her most recent boyfriend of two years after he said he didn’t need therapy, because he had her for that. “

Yeah, not a lot of people want to sign on for a job like that just because they have the female body parts. And yet, that is the expectation for far too many men. Women aren’t okay with it anymore– maybe they never were, but it is only now that so many are walking away from this.

“The persistent idea that seeking therapy is a form of weakness has produced a generation of men suffering from symptoms like anger, irritibility, and aggressiveness, because not only are they less likely than women to pursue mental health help, but once they do, they have a hard time expressing their emotions. (This is so common there’s even a technical term for it: “normative male alexithymia.”)“

It goes on to say that men have trouble being able to tell that they even need help to begin with, which is in sharp contrast to women, who consciously think about their mental health and pursue therapy and self-help books when they find themselves floundering.

The article ends with the idea of men’s support groups. It gives examples of groups of independent men, in groups of 6 to 8, gathering to talk about their feelings and work out their own shit. They support each other in being supportive of their wives and families as well.

That article goes well with this one: www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/culture-shrink/201709/why-are-women-so-exhausted

This touches on how women are taught that everyone else’s feelings are more important than their own– and then they keep getting dumped on for caring duties: child care, elder care, neighbor care, and spousal care. With men taught that it’s demeaning to ask for help and then further that their own comfort is of primary importance, there is a definite unfair load emotionally and socially, that women carry. Not getting practice at taking on these things, men tend to lack the community/family/friend support that women create and maintain through all the care-connections they have.

There’s more about how American culture doesn’t make room for fun, caring for children or elderly, or illness. Maternity off time is still unpaid here, where other countries are much more reasonable with 6 hour workdays, 5 weeks standard vacation for full time employees and a year of paid maternity leave. Our nation doesn’t support supporters, but it does no favors for the nose-to-the-grindstone crowd either.

“And for women who aren’t financially privileged, especially single mothers, the lack of social support is almost untenable. Major choices mean major sacrifices.“

In the end, the article called for more institutional support to remedy the situation, saying that when support structures fail (as women who are overwhelmed feel will happen) it causes a ripple across all of society that is not good.

Just some stuff I came across and found interesting. I never had kids, so I never had that time issue. However, I took care of my ex husband like he was a child on many occasions. I was his work coach and social counselor and I even tried to teach him to fight fair with me when I realized he was “cheating” by using dirty methods to “win” over me.

One thing’s for sure– I may someday get into another relationship, but I know I will NEVER invest in a broken person again. I don’t expect perfection, but I’m not going to be another man (or woman’s) momma again. I’m so done with that role. I want a partner who brings me up, who I can bring up as well in a mutual thing. When I was young and naive, I was willing to put in work for a relationship– and then when we were a decade, then two decades in, I was willing to go the distance for something so invested in from before. Now? I’ll be picky. I’m over major dramatic episodes (if possible) and I want to have friendship, companionship, and a steady partner to face life with and enjoy life with. I don’t know that it’ll ever happen, but I DO know that I’m not taking on another “emotional gold digger” again! =^)